Wednesday, April 28, 2010

RE: Anyone else into self defense?

Anyone else into self defense? - 23 (Denver)
Date: 2010-04-23, 5:43PM MDT

Just looking for someone I can relate to. All of my friends think guns are scary, and martial arts are boring. Please attach a picture and I will reciprocate. :)

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1707145170

Colin Heintze to pers-equsf-170.
show details 2:37 PM (1 minute ago)

Yeah, self “defense”. Roger that. I’ve danced this dance many times before, and I know all the steps by heart.

You need a man to care of a little problem for you, a man who’s as deadly with his hands and feet as he is with a firearm. Look no further.

I know everything there is to know about self “defense”. Guns? Hell, I can shoot a Chechen mercenary between the eyes blindfolded and on skis. I’ve got guns for every kind of “defense” you require: silenced Walther PPK’s if you like your self-defense to be of the discreet variety, HK assault rifles if you got a whole lot of scumbags you need defending against, and even a spare RPG launcher is you need to defend yourself against airborne or heavily armored attackers. I even got a mini gun should I need to defend myself one day from those fascists at the ATF and US Marshalls, provided of course they can get past the electrified fence and Claymores.

But, don’t for a second think I’m a one-trick-pony. Many an attacker has made that assumption and isn’t around anymore to talk about. I’m just as good with my natural weapons as any firearm. I wrote the book on hand-to-hand combat – really, check out my book Alive Tomorrow, available from my website for $14.95. You’ll also find some good literature and handy resources from like-minded freedom-fighters who will help you with your struggle against federal-government despots. In chapter one of my book, I’ll teach you to control your emotions by desensitizing yourself to violence through the killing of small animals – starting at things like cockroaches and cicadas and going all the way up to chimps and baby otters. In chapter six you’ll find info on improvised weapons, whether it be your artificial leg, a car antenna, or a sack full of doorknobs. Chapter ten is all about making the other guy go at you first in accordance with what your state’s laws consider justifiable self “defense”. So, don’t worry, I ain’t afraid to get up close and personal if it comes to that.

I suppose now all that’s left to talk about is the terms. Being a defender of liberty doesn’t exactly pay the bills, so I’ve been known to hire out my services to people like yourself who have urgent “defense” needs. Get back to me with your offer so we can get to “defending” ourselves!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

RE: Take Me To Your Leader

take me to your leader - 30 (Denver)
Date: 2010-04-07, 10:54PM MDT

Reply to:


I like earthmen, they are delicious! Specially the tall (!!! 5'9 is not tall, not even on my planet) dark (hair! must be attached to head!) and handsome (if a drunk hoe told you that you are hot, you are not) Terra guy who works out and is in muscular bodybuilding type shape. Our men on my planet are tiny scrany and pasty. Not my type so i traveled to this planet to find my mate :)

Send me a picture! Beam me up BFs and may the force be with you. My starship uniform is whatshernames bikini and I look Terrafic in it I can assure you

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1681797175

Colin Heintze to pers-XXXXXXXXXXXXX.
show details 7:36 pm (2 minutes ago)

Dear Anonymous,

On behalf of myself and the ETADL I would like to express my outrage at your sickening portrayal of Xeno-Americans and ask that you cease making such inflammatory remarks on a public forum.

Frankly, we here at the Extra-Terrestial Anti-Defamation League are ready to pursue legal action should you continue to paint such wholly offensive and stereotypical portrayals of a minority already struggling to maintain its identity. As a Xeno-American yourself, you are undoubtedly aware of the discrimination beings from other cosmic bodies are subject to on a daily basis - from improper restroom facilities for vaporous entities, to inadequate school-lunch programs for silicon-based lifeforms, to the constant harassment and profiling from black-clad men working for shadowy government organizations. That you should choose to perpetuate several of the negative stereotypes often used as justification for this lack of civil rights reveals a regrettable level of self-loathing. Included with this letter is literature that, hopefully, will educate you on the rich culture and important contributions Xeno-Americans have made throughout three centuries of American history.

What we find most troubling about your post is the portrayal of Extra-Torrential females as brainless, sex-crazed vixens. It is bad enough that, in film and other media, we are typically portrayed as soulless antagonists; even worse that one of our own, instead of striving towards better education and community relations, elects to present herself as just the kind of dehumanizing, sexist image of Extra-Terrestrial females that would make Shatner proud. No one is saying that you need to date within your species, but that you so shamelessly buy into the myth that only human is beautiful speaks to a lack of self-respect and a mentality that has bought into the lies of our oppressors.

Of course, if you are from the Cirrus System, please disregard this letter. I am well aware that you are in your hgroth-cycle and flush with egg-jelly that can only be fertilized through strong stimulation to your reproductive ducts, stimulation that males of your species may not be able to provide. If that is so, please accept my apologies.

Otherwise, need I remind you of the consequences of this kind of post, which only serves to fan the fires of intolerance? Do you need to be reminded of the deadly Native-Xenomorph riots of 1865 New York? The pogroms in Russia? The barring from professional industries in 1930's Germany? Or do you need to be reminded of the lives, both Terrestrial and Extraterrestrial, given to the cause of registering Xenomorphs to vote in the 1960's South? Please, educate yourself and refrain from making such incendiary comments in the future. If not, we may be forced to take legal action and have you banned from the craigslist site.

Xept Taarimor,
Dir. Community Outreach