Wednesday, December 31, 2008

RE: Looking for the Right One

Looking for the Right One - 26 (Aurora)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-31, 12:11PM MST


Let’s see….I’m 26, a manager for a prepaid card company, own my own place, have two dogs and a great family. I’m not really sure what I’m looking for right now – what I do know is I’m tired of bullshit and just want to meet somebody that is HONEST for once. I have also been learning that I am not nearly picky enough and end up meeting and dating guys that I will never have a future with, so at the risk of sounding like a bitch or hurting feelings, these are my must haves:

I know times are tough. I’ve hired a lot of people that were laid off due to the economy and I don’t blame people for misfortune. However – I have dated enough people that don’t have jobs and I end up taking care of them. I don’t care at all what you do or the kind of money you make – I make enough and don’t need anybody to take care of me. But you must do something.

I don’t care if you have a place with roommates, just please not mom and dad. Again, I understand that times are hard – but right now I would prefer somebody that didn’t live with their parents.

I’m not ashamed to say that I have an IQ of nearly genius level and I have seen and been through enough in my life to hold the real world experience as well. I would like to have actual, meaningful conversations with people – to every once in a while talk about something other than the latest episode of Family Guy (which I like by the way). Please have something to say.

Look – I’m no model. I understand and accept that. But if the physical attraction isn’t there, then we would make great friends but probably nothing more. When you send a picture, send one where I can actually see you – nothing is worse than sending some picture with a hat pulled down over your face and when we meet you look nothing like what you have represented yourself to be.

Please don’t be a “macho” guy – I work a lot of hours so don’t take it personal if I can’t be at your beck and call, I study warfare and probably know just as much or more about sports as you do. I make great money and I am not ever planning on being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen or a stay at home mom. So if any of those things bother you, move on.

I think that’s just about it for right now. I might have just ruled out 98% of Craigslist, but at this point I’m not looking for 500 responses – just the right one. Oh, and if you don’t send a picture, I won’t respond. I put mine up…please do the same.

My Dear, You have Found the Right Man
Colin Heintze to pers-975696182
show details 1:54 PM (1 minute ago) Reply

Salutations, young lady! I saw your posting and, since you seem to be a woman of breeding and refinement, I would like to extend my warmest greetings to you.

You are are looking for a lover, one who is not beneath you - I can relate, for I am seeking the same thing in a young woman or pubescent boy myself. Allow me to introduce myself: I am Anton Kimble Blackwater, heir apparent to the Blackwater Steel, Arms, and Charitable Trusts foundation. As the progeny of an American business magnate and Spanish wet-nurse, I believe I possess the qualities of the superior male specimen you so fervently seek.

I am an educated man, having attained many degrees from the finest Ivy League Institutions, as well as private lessons from such titans of philosophy and mysticism as Hanno of Alexandria and Parsevus the Sophist. Physically, I am tall and well-made, the product not only of my rigorous practice of Gurkha exercise rituals, but the fine New England blood that courses through my veins as well. As for my vocation, it is a slippery and esoteric thing to define. Should I call myself a crypto-archaeologist and tomb-hunter? Perhaps I should focus more on the works of literature that have earned me international acclaim? Or, would it be better if I described my profession as CEO of the largest development firm for energy-based weapons? None of those things I would describe as a "job", for it seems like little work at all to do the things one loves.

You require a man who owns his own property? The manor at which I reside, a grand old place that has been in the Blackwater family since the time of the Pilgrims, has over 400 rooms, two swimming pools, a hedgemaze, underground archives, and secret escape tunnels should half-brother Cecil ever attempt to launch another offensive against my claim to our father's fortune. I find it beguiling that you mentioned your love of warfare and sports, for you see there is another feature of my manor which speaks volumes for my love of both: my human chess board. Oh, how many spring afternoons I have spent, with the Prince of Luxemborg and Finance Minister of Singapore at my sides, watching such elegant brutality unfold. The queens were difficult to find, for they should be much more powerful than the derelicts and tramps to whom I give a hot meal to serve as fodder for my games. Luckily, manservant Mandalay reminded me of a curious offshoot of the Ibo Tribe I met during my travels in West Africa. In this strange culture, the woman are warriors and the men as meek as whelping kittens. So, my search for vicious women over, I found my queens and let the games commence. They have been a boon to the Blackwater estate, for besides their function as warriors of the utmost savagery, they make excellent harem guards - though these women have a long reputation for lesbianism, I found through my ethnographic studies that the rumors are largely exaggerated. The warrior women, as it were, often perform simulated rape on the women of conquered villages as a symbolic show of dominance and defilement of a vanquished foe. Besides, my warrior women have all, keeping with their custom, been circumcised at the age of fifteen, so thus far the sundry beauties of my harem have been left untouched by their keepers' Sapphoric dispositions.

All I ask of you is that you submit a sample of your DNA before I can begin siring children with you: generations of breeding among only the purest stock of New England gentry has left members of my family prone to develop hemophilia, albinism, gout, and mongolism. Hopefully, you do not possess any of the recessive genes for these conditions, and may one day soon accompany me on my adventures throughout the world. Until then, look forward to walking the many gilded corridors of my manor (watch out for the ghost of great-uncle Ulysses, though: he's been rattling the sabre since we converted his room into servant's quarters), indulging in the culinary delights of my many kitchens, and reveling with the harem girls whose skill in the Tantric arts, let me assure you, are legion.

Yours Truly,
Anton Kimble Blackwater

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Seekins Ze Girl Vith No Morality

Seekins Ze Girl Vith No Morality - 25 (Denver, Berlin)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-30, 3:19PM MST

Gutten tag! Mine name est Otto von Metzbalger and I am ze president of ze Berlin Society for Rational Egoism. Ve are seeking ze women to accompany us next year to our latest excursion into madness and solipsistic debauchery.
Around zis time next year ve shall be making ze trek through ze Jungle of Sous America, following along ze stygian tangles of ze Rio Orinoco. Did you know zat fifty percent of ze world's species live in zat hellish green inferno? Zat is the purpose of our mission: if ze jungle is ze womb of ze vorld, ve vish to defile zat womb in a symbolic rape of ze great chaos, muzzer nature. Zat ve should impose our vill upon ze vun ting greater zan man and his petty verks, vhile simultaneously devolving into creatures unhibited by ze hypocritical protocols of society ez our ultimate goal.
Ve are looking for a girl or girls who vill not be encumbered by ze slave moralities of civilized existence. Ze type of girl who, ven ve have succumbed to madness and paranoia and are putting our comrades to deass in rigged kangaroo trials, trusts out an accussing finger to ze chants of "guily! gulity! guilty!" Ze type of girl who vill laugh as ve ravish ze villages of indians as ez ze right of ze strong to do unto ze veek. A girl who, as our numbers dwindle from starvation and dizeaz, vill vear ze head of ze tapir she hast slaughtered, loose all pretenses of humanity, and hunt her former comrades like ze common beasts. Are you zis girl? If so, zen I am vanting to drink your pee in parody of slave-society's pitiful delusion called love.

Location: Denver, Berlin
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 974805519

Monday, December 22, 2008

A Shit-Ton of Replies From Guys Desperate Enough to Fuck a Panda to pers-967239883

Hi, you are very creative. I would love to practice sex with you for having a few PANDAs. Would we have to do it the trees as that's where I see most pandas? I think I may to house train you will come with behind a Your big Panda bear, Pat in Brightonbush to shit. Now eating I'm very good at. Send me some pics so I see if I can help you

XXXXXXXXXXXX to pers-967239883

I am 6’ tall, weigh 170 lbs., have brown hair, blue eyes and love to go multiple rounds. I have about 9” to work with and want to find someone who can handle it all. I love foreplay and enjoy dining at the “Y”. Let me know if you are up for the challenge.

XXXXXXXXXX to pers-967239883

I am a single, white, mature male (45), college educated, working professional, live alone (can host).

Will treat you like a lady in and out of the bedroom. Skilled in the tantric arts, very oral, extremely long lasting, clean, disease free, and safe (vasectomy). I am also nicely endowed, love to use fingers to rub a g-spot for that explosive orgasm.

I love to focus on making you feel incredible, make you cum as many times as you can handle, maybe more.

I am gentle, caring, passionate, playful with a great sense of humor.

Panda Lover

Colin Heintze to pete, XXXXXXXX, XXXXXXX
show details 3:45 PM Reply

Wow, who would have thought I'd get so many responses! Let me tell you a little something about myself:
I'm roughly 6' when standing, weigh around 400 lbs and am covered in a velvety piebald pattern of black and white fur. I enjoy dining on bamboo, sleeping, and appearing as a dancing cartoon character on the backpacks of twelve-year-old Japanese girls. I'm so glad you guys are willing to mate, since I can't get it from males of my own species. To the one of you (you know who you are) who sent me a picture of your erect phallus... thank you. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've seen one of those, certainly not from so-called "male" pandas who don't seem to give two shits about bringing our species back from the brink of total extinction. Whoever I choose, I'm sure the hideous unnatural abomination you sire from me will bear (get it, "bear'!) enough of my genetic material to make this whole experience worth it... though I'm still going to have to be very, very drunk. Here are some pics of me!

Where's My Mate, Dammit!

Dammit, Where's My Mate! - 25

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-22, 12:46PM MST

Hi, Liu Xieng here, better known as the San Diego Zoo's iconic giant panda. I'm turning to craigslist out of sheer desperation. Are there any male pandas out there willing to mate? Anyone want to impregnate me to ensure the survival of our species?
Wait, there's a male over there! Hello? Hello? Over here! I'm in heat! Where are you going? Can't you smell the pheromones wafting off my genitals? No, don't amble into that cluster of bamboo trees...
Asshole. Christ I wish I wasn't born a Panda. If I was a rabbit I'd have a whole mess of kids right now, so many I'd get to choose which ones I nursed and which ones I let die fighting for a spot at my milk-laden teats. But nooooo, I had to be a panda, nature's Peg Bundy. My mother is always telling me "Xieng, don't act so uppity - men are intimidated by smart women" and "Xieng, would it kill you to drop a few pounds?" and "Xieng, you need to lower your standards". All this from a woman who rejected me for the first three months after my birth. That's right mom, I know, it was the zookeepers that bottle-fed me, you bitch. And she wonders why I drink.
Hell, I'd even be willing to mate with a human, since apparently the average human pervert is more attracted to panda sows than the average male panda is. And before you all start throwing up your hands and saying "oh no, what kind of horrible super-soldier would this panda-human hybrid make?!" remember what the average panda does on a daily basis: 1) eats. 2) shits. So, if eating and shitting are among your desired traits in a cross-bred super-soldier, then by all means buy me a bottle of wine and put your seed in me, goddammit. Christ. We deserve to go extinct.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 967239883

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I'll Settle For Significantly Less Than 72 Virgins

I'll Settle For Significantly Less Than 72 Virgins - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-22, 12:05AM MST

Okay. Here's the deal. Lately I'm starting to question this whole "mujahideen" thing. Unfortunately, it isn't the sort of thing I can just walk away from, you know? It's not like I can say "Sorry Osama, but things aren't working out for me, so I'm going to need you to cash in all my vacation time and cut me a check. Can I still use you as a reference?" And though I may have become a little disillusioned with the whole "waging holy jihad in defense of sacred sharia law" stuff, I just can't imagine losing out on those 72 virgins, especially when I've already put so much work into it. Hell, I don't even hate the Jews. I saw a production of Fiddler the other day and nearly blew up (no pun intended) with applause at the end of the second act. I also met Mel Brooks once at a coffee shop. He's a really sweet old guy.
Sure, when I flew into New York (again, no pun intended, ha ha) eight years ago posing as a Lebanese exchange student, I couldn't think of anything but what the recruiters had promised me when I signed up as an impressionable fifteen year-old living in occupied Palestine. "Fight the great American Satan AND take down the illegitimate Zionist Occupation Government? AND I get virgins thrown in the deal? Sign me up!" But now... I don't know.
So, here's the deal. I will stop everything if I can just get my virgins now. It's a win-win: I get my virgins, and you don't get blown up. Deal, right? I would even settle for less virgins, 40 or so, or around 25 if they're really pretty and unquestioningly obedient to my every command.

* Location: Denver
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 966674185

Reply: Seeking That Perfect combination of Beautiful, Brilliant, and Deadly

to pers-951931292

Your hilarious! Your posting amused me. Does Manticore provide health insurance? - B.

Colin Heintze to Becca

MANTICORE provides comprehensive health, dental, and vision insurance for all our employees. Supplemental insurance plans may be purchased at discounted rates to cover injuries resulting from madness gas, Tesla-rays, or hunter-killer droid malfunction. EXCEPTION CLAUSE: employees who mutate into another lifeform due to exposure to gamma radiation or solar disruptors must purchase their own individual policies from their preferred insurance provider. Shoot an Email to Judy in HR if you have any questions or wish to file a claim.

MANTICORE also provides life insurance policies to all its regular staff. The employee may choose up to three beneficiaries among their loved ones/sensei/master of the mystic arts/henchman/controlling entity. Though MANTICORE's life insurance is not mandatory, we highly recommend you buy into the policy as the vast majority of our team members see near-immediate returns on their investment. Your cost will be about fifteen dollars per paycheck.

MANTICORE also provides a 401K retirement package managed by the investment firm ING. Though we do not like to fill the coffers of rival nefarious organizations bent on world domination, the people at ING really know how to put together a 30-year investment portfolio. Honestly, you probably won't have much need for this.

Congratulations to Judy from HR for placing 3rd in the state Boggle Championship! On a sadder note, we extend our deepest sympathies for the passing of henchmen #45, 66, 72, 23, 108, 119, 56, 221, 194, 18, 88, and 147. If anyone wishes to use a little PTO to attend their memorial services, you may find them being buried at sea, cremated in lava, or jettisoned into space depending on the place and manner of their demise.

Anyone Up For a Double Date?

Anyone Up For a Double Date? (Denver)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-21, 12:52PM MST

A good evening, this is George.

And Martha.

Um, Yes, and we were wondering if there are any couples out there who might wish to go out on a double date. Martha here insists that our marriage here needs some spice to it. Apparently after twenty years of blessed matrimony she finds the taste of gin and vinegar unsatisfying.

We could talk about unsatisfying, George. I haven't been satisfied in years!

You must excuse me. Martha couldn't make it and sent a hyena in her place.

You son of a bitch. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Yes, that's the sound they make.

Let me tell you all something about Georgie-boy here. Georgie hasn't touched me in years. Just this morning I went to give him a kiss and he pushed me on the floor.

Martha, darling, I was simply afraid that if you placed those gin-soaked lips on me I should become overwhelmed with passion and be compelled to take you by force right then and there.

I swear to God, if you even existed I would divorce you. I gave everything to you, do you know that you big flop? I even stayed in shape, stayed -


-Thin you bastard, thin!

It's true, you know, Martha is a slim 108 - years old, that is. She weighs quite a bit more than that.

Great, real great George. How about I pop you in the mouth?

I'd like to find the sailor who taught you English and shake his hand.

That's not all you'd shake, you old queer, you bookworm! You've got to make money somehow, and it's not on an associate professor's salary, not on those funny little books you write.

Shut up, Martha.

You see, Georgie-boy here wrote a book. Spent five years on it. Then he took it to the big publisher Georgie Senior and said "daddy, can you publish my book?"

Martha, shut your loathsome mouth!

And what do ya suppose daddy says? Shoots him down is what! Five years, down the drain, just like the last twenty I've spent with this son of a bitch.

You're a spoiled, self-indulgent, willful, dirty-minded, liquor-ridden…

That wasn't very nice.

And now we get to play a new game, "Martha the martyr". We've played this game before, haven't we dear?

Oh, but I'm so good at it!

Let me assure you, good people, that this a game at which Martha excels. We've seen with our own three eyes - Martha being a cyclops - how well she plays.

It's not hard, when I've got a stuffy effeminate queer for a husband.

Martha, if you do not shut that vulgar mouth I will tear you to pieces.

You don't have the guts.

No, I gave them all to you. I'm warning you, it will be total war.

Total. Come at me!

agdfhio frh fhhdfwe%^FVSOjjk*bcbcnvbvgusf1&^789b viidf /'%xxddf pg[^&!!!!

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 966140403

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

RE: Pay For Me?

Pay for me? - 21 (Lakewood)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-16, 9:23PM MST

Hey guys,

My current lease is up in February, this apartment I currently live in is the first time I've been on my own. I moved out of my moms house 1 year ago, but moved in with my sister. Not having a job when I first moved here 1 year ago led to alot of debt...slowly getting it paid off.

Just throwing this out there...Are there any guys who are willing to let me live with them RENT FREE so I can pay off my debt to my family as well as 2 credit cards. And hopefully I can buy myself my first car.

I would be willing to help pay for groceries, maybe half of the utilities, keep the place clean etc...
Who knows what else would be in the mix of this...we can have further discussion in e-mail..
E-mail me if interested. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY!

Location: Lakewood
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 960979407

colin heintze to pers-960979407

Good Afternoon, Young Lady. Anton Kimble Blackwater here, at your service and charmed to make your acquaintance.
Am I to understand that you desire a position within my household as an indentured laborer/sex slave? This is a capital suggestion, as I am at the moment in need of both. There are always legions among my prized thoroughbred stallions that need shoeing, foreign dignitaries that require receiving in my manor's many gilded antechambers, firefoxes and whooping cranes of my private menagerie that require feeding and care, and rare antiquities obtained in my many oriental adventures to catalogue in the basement archives. Mandalay's absence - think of him as a composite of manservant, bodyguard, and assassin - has hit me hard, I would venture. There are so many little things, from the way he would put a mint on my pillow every morning, to the cold efficiency in which he snaps a would-be assassin’s neck, that I have been forced to go without since his semi-annual retreat into the monasteries of frosty Nepal. Would you be able to fulfill some of these functions? Half-brother Cecil is unrelenting in his attempts to eliminate me and claim our father's fortune, and I could use the extra security. Plus, since Mandalay has left my shoes remain on my feet untied, and I cannot figure out for the life of me how these blasted laces work!
As for the lovemaking portion of your servitude, are you willing to make certain... compromises? You see, I suffer from the Blackwater curse that has stricken all males of our family - damn our blue New England blood! - since our arrival on this ghastly continent. I cannot achieve sexual stimulation without the aid of certain psychological... enhancements. Would you be willing, I dare ask, to put on black-face, an apron, and dance the negro dervish-whirl colloquially known as a "jig"? If I might suckle from your pendulous, swelled breasts and call you "mammy" I think I shall be quite satisfied, for you see I miss Mammy so. This would only be on Fridays, after I've had my weekly portion of snake-wine, which is good both for one's longevity and one's potency in matters such as these.
So, if you would be interested in a position at my manor, and between the impossibly gossamer sheets of my silken bed, then reply without delay.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Can You Be Discreet? I Can.

Can You Be Discreet? I Can. (Olympus)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-14, 3:03PM MST

Heartiest greetings, comely lasses! Allow me to tell you about myself:
I am recently retired and wanting to settle down after many years of being the boss. I also have just divorced my wife of untold years - we were never very compatible, and I lived in constant fear of her catastrophic tantrums. Here's where the need for discretion comes in: despite the fact that the divorce was finalized many years ago, she continues to obsessively spy on, watch, and attempt to humiliate me. After matrimony with such a vainglorious and jealous shrew who could blame me for my little dalliances? My wife, however, almost always found out about my indiscretions, her powers of perception being nearly as keen as my own. Of course, it did not help that I impregnated with my epic seed many of the women with whom I sought pleasurable diversion, and these women tended to bear children whose names were, by a young age, heaped upon with glory and honor. My favorite son, for example, she attempted to kill out of sheer jealousy by placing two serpents in his cradle(crazy bitch, right?). Luckily, he was a strong lad and strangled the two beasts before they could cause him any harm. Still, she managed to make his life a living hell throughout his adolescence, adulthood, and ultimately his untimely death. Another of my favorite bastard-sons she connivingly convinced his maternal grandfather to murder, a slight my brother and I did not take lightly. Let's just say Katrina had nothing on what we did - Argos won't be hosting the superbowl anytime soon, if you know what I mean.
So, with that in mind, are there any beautiful young maidens looking for a good time? You don't really have to respond - if you should happen to walk into your bedroom and see a swan, a bull, or a shower of gold sitting on your bed know that it's gonna happen, whether you want it or not.

Location: Olympus
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 957866406

Thursday, December 11, 2008

RE: Universal Man

Universal Man - 48 (Boulder)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-11, 10:03PM MST

Humane, human, humorous, hu man wanted for fun life relationship. Need an original, free thinker, selfmade, adventurous, universal, psi, deep, communicator, kind, kindred, kin. Green, sustainable, regenerous, breathing, Schauberger, Tesla, astronomy-cosmology, meaningful, "friend", visionary, founder of the future civilization (beyond entropic capitalism), new tech and eco-projects/reforest/remineralization, solar cycles, rational-spiritual-scientifical, business-romantic partner, transformation, reconstructive technologies and eco-regeneration, ORMUS, ecoarchitecture, art, visioneering, healing, sailing…

RE: Universal Man
Colin Heintze to pers-954754531

Hey, whus up? Saw your post an thought I'd give yous a shout since I don't have no one in this fuggin cow town.
I'm Mike an I'm originally from Queens (Yankees rule! Fuck the Sox!) an from what I could understand of yous post I got all dem qualities you want. Environmental n shit? Sometimes I take a dump an jus leave it der for like tree days witout flushing, sometimes do more on top of dat one till da smell get up in the vents an da cunt landlady starts bustin my balls over it. I got no car either, so I ain't polluting no air - couple months back some fuggin Ricans keyed my ride, so I took it to my cousin Pauly's body shop. Tree days later he knocks on my door an hans me dis bill for like two large. I say, "What da fugg is dis, Pauly? Yous charging me now! I taut we was fuggin family!" So that fuggin prick repoes my ride an tells me he ain't letting it off da lot till I pay him. Das funny cause everyone in da family know Pauly's a queer an he probably jus wants me to touch his sack or some shit. Adventurous? shit, once my pal Frankie dared me ta lay down on da tracks wit da metro comin. Everything's goin good when some fuggin wino sees me an thinks i need rescuing so he jumps on da tracks an tries to pull me outta da way of da train, gettin his fuggin hans an everything allover me. So i's kick him in his junk an he falls on da track an I gotta be da one touchin on him an draggin him outta day way an shit. It was fuggin disgustin, but if ya ask me I ain't no hero jus a normal guy, know what I mean? Founder of da future civilization? Shit, once da fuggin gas company cut off my heat. Dis was in like December. I was outside on da stoop havin a smoke when I saw someone tru away all dis styrofoam in da alleyway. So I take dat up to my apartment an burn dat shit in deez little coffee pots I put truout da house. Worked like a fuggin charm, though I can't breath very good no more on cold days or if I walk too much atta time. Dat's some fuggin McGuyver shit is what dat is, jus the kind of guy you want around after da chinks nuke us. So dat's me. You got any pictures? You got big titties?

* Location: Boulder
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 954754531

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Need a Man to be Next Year's Harvest King

Need a Man to be Next Year's Harvest King - 27 (Denver)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-10, 5:32PM MST

Ciamar a tha sibh? Greetings from the Sisters of the Sacred Oak! We are seeking a man who will fill the sacred role of this year's harvest king. We're listing this now as there are several months preparation before the ceremony on August 31. During this time, we (my sisters Hecate, Serendipity, and myself) will provide for you the standard treatment extended towards the sacred harvest king, including free housing, food of your choosing, and any sexual/intimate experiences you should wish of us, provided you have the understanding that children are expected of this union. A child by the harvest king is blessed, and my sisters and I will shoulder the responsibility of raising her since you obviously won't be around to pitch in. You must also be ritually cleansed (nothing unpleasant, mostly just chanting and herbal magick) so as not to offend the gods to whom you are being offered. You should be young(ish), vital, and in excellent shape. We can't insist more emphatically about that - an inferior offering means a poor harvest, and in these troubled economic times NO ONE wants that, do they? So, if you would be interested in taking part in the sacrosanct cycle of death and rebirth with us then give us a shout! Construction has already begun on the wicker man and we just need a handsome young stud to fill it out!

Slàinte mhòr agad!
- Serendipity
- Hecate
- Diana

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 953176693

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Reply - Fit Men to Join Me on My Island

On Tue, Dec 9, 2008 at 9:13 PM, allen" wrote:

Hey bud, That's exactly what I am looking for, just divorced and lookin for a change in my life, 34 5'11' 170 athlete extra fit, thin & built, I kayak, rock climb and ski alot! I coached for years and look the type. Naturally smooth with alot on top.I live in Congress Park and yes this sounds like a blast/Yeah my 7' cock likes sex alot!HaText me, I normally I do not do this but I do have a crazy sex life to say the least! XXX-XXX-XXXX Alllen yes 620

Colin Heintze to allen:

Capital, capital! You sound quite fit and your hair, per your description, of an excellent quality for a new cardigan. Furthermore I am delighted to know that we share some common interests. I myself have coached for years, having bred the finest fighting birds in this hemisphere. My cocks are quite a bit longer than 7' - there was a time, in my folly, that I made sport of miniature cocks as you do now, and have learned, as you undoubtedly will, that they simply cannot be coached. As for my cock enjoying the act of sex, this I do not allow: it keeps him distracted from the fighting and drains the vital energies best left intact for tearing apart another bird while within a cheering ring of drunken billionaires. But, that is only my coaching decision - your techniques might be different. I would enjoy talking about this more on my private retreat, though you may want to save your strength - shortly after dinner, you'll be making use of that running, rock-climbing and skiing experience. You'll need it. All of it.

flagged & removed: 952043328 (men seeking men) Fit Men to Join Me on my Island?


REAL WOMEN ONLY!!!! PLEASE! 20-50? - 22 (DTC)

Reply to: [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 6:53PM MST

Please be real! i hat fake adds! you dont need to advertise your site to me i wont respond!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyways i am a good looking grad student in law school looking for some axtra fun! I Who would want to go out and have some fun... local bar or a movie or whatever you would like. If your SHY then open up! you only live onces! drop me a line. dont wait, dont be too lat

Colin Heintze to pers-951922564 show details 9:18 PM

Wow i saw you're post and wanted too say you that im totally real! I saw your in law school and I luv educated men. Im really educated myself im an associater professor of english at the unversity of colorado and have been published in harpers, newyorker, the atantic, n new rebuplic and any man who want too be wit me got to have a brain, no what I meen?

Fit Men to Join Me on My Island?

Fit Men to Join Me on my Island? - 35 (Denver)
Reply to: [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 8:48PM MST

Good day to you all, gentlemen. I am a man seeking a man or men who wish to join me on my private island for the weekend. Any men who are chosen for this little excursion will be handsomely compensated for their troubles. Amongst my many passions - finance, travel, and the stock-market, to name a few - the greatest, the one that consumes my every waking thought and nocturnal fancy, is hunting. I have been on safari in Africa. I have hunted the rare and majestic snow leopard in the thin, howling air of the Himalayas. My dining hall and great trophy room (with which you will soon become very acquainted with) is decorated with the spoils of these expeditions; rearing up, snarling, forever locked in their final poses from the moment they came charging from the bush into the sights of my Remington. Sadly, there are few creatures left on this earth which I have not triumphed over, even as over the years I sought to handicap my advantage by using bows, then slings, then only simple throwing-spears. I now seek deadlier game to prove my final and ultimate worth as man's greatest hunter. Any men who respond to this ad should be fit and possess a high degree of physical endurance. Men with knowledge of basic wilderness survival and former military experience will be the first considered, though a certain level of grit and determination may be substituted for prior experience. Any men who respond to this should also have excellent skin and hair free of excessive blemishes. I hope to hear from you soon.

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 952043328

Seeking that Perfect Combination of Beautiful, Brilliant, and Deadly

Seeking that Perfect Combination of Beautiful, Brilliant, and Deadly (Unknown)

Reply to: [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 7:01PM MST

Greetings, women. I am in search of a personal assistant/lover to aid me in my sundry international activities of calamitous mayhem. About me: about 5'9", 170 lbs, no hair (scalded off by a gamma radiation burst), and a long, jagged scar from my brow to chin. I'm fond of wearing turtlenecks and the comedy stylings of one Tyler Perry.
As the founder and CEO of MANTICORE I require a variety of tasks to be performed if you are to be my lover. There are always henchmen that need to be kept in line, lairs inside extinct volcanoes on remote tropical island chains that need redecorating, and the occasional assassination of foreign ambassadors culminating in the retrieval of the items in their attaché cases. If you should decide to pursue a career with MANTICORE, you should know what I'm looking for in a lover/henchwoman:
- Fashion sense: Tall and statuesque black woman? Wear leopard skins and wield a deadly staff. Lily-white with icy, blue eyes? Why not drape yourself in sable furs and carry spray-canisters of liquid nitrogen? While there is certainly no dress code at MANTICORE, professional attire is important!
- For Christ's sake, know something about lasers! You don't have to be an expert, but should at least have a basic understanding of the difference between a laser and a pulse weapon: one can shoot down satellites, plunging the world into a catastrophic communication meltdown, and one I wouldn't use to cut my lawn.
- MANTICORE is an equal opportunity organization with a special affirmative-action hiring policy for people with disabilities, especially disabilities that have been turned into deadly/sexy special skills. Blind women with a hyper-sensitive sense of hearing or amputees with weapons for legs are strongly encouraged to apply.
- Keep in mind, our relationship will NOT be mutually exclusive. You will often be required to seduce enemy agents and drop deadly scorpions on their post-coital sleeping bodies.
- You must be able to snap a man's neck between your thighs. This is non-negotiable. - You must be a fan of Tyler Perry. His bleak and pandering portrayal of family life is the type of Dadaist nihilism heralding the collapse of society, something that lies ultimately within MANTICORE's goals. Plus, you see how he be trippin' on white folk?
So, if this describes you, then look forward to a career/relationship with MANTICORE. Don't bother contacting me. If you are qualified, one of my agents will contact you.

Location: Unknown
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 951931292

Sunday, December 7, 2008

RE: Taking Applications

Colin Heintze to pers-947799232 show details 4:23 PM (0 minutes ago) Reply
Taking Applications - Serious Only - 21 (Denver (Northern))--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Reply to: [?]Date: 2008-12-06, 3:12PM MST

Hello there. I saw your "application" for a date with you and thought I would respond, while simultaneously informing you about the exciting new products from the Jolt! Energy drinks family of beverages.

Name: Jolt! Energy Drink!

Age: Going on six years now as a major provider of consumer's energy drink needs.

Age that matches my maturity level: Closer to 25; with our market-shares increasing quarterly and an excellent core business model, where other energy drink lines fizzle we're here to stay!

Last Time I went out on a date: Every night I provide the energy boost and confidence needed for any romantic rendezvous!

Last Time I went out and not on a date: Jolt! isn't just for dating! Whether you need a boost for work, hanging out with friends in a twenty-something hip urban environment, or just want to feel refreshed after an active day of mountain biking and snowboarding, great-tasting Jolt! will be there.

The best thing about me is: New formula with less caffeine gives a smoother, less jittery burst of energy.

The worst thing about me is: Many of my ingredients are pending FDA approval and may in rare instances cause headaches, insomnia, hysterical pregnancy, advanced Tay Sachs disease, or rectal malfunction.

The thing I find most attractive in a woman is: The ability to drink Jolt! without succumbing to the numerous side-effects as catalogued on the Surgeon General's webpage.

The thing you should know about me that might bother you is: I am known in the state of California to cause cancer in mice. High concentrations of the aluminum alloy used in the manufacture of my can has been known to cause outbursts of uncontrollable rage and mass murder.

My Mom hates you. I…: Introduce her to our new line of products marketed at older consumers, including new Jolt! Alpine Mist!

My friends love you and this…: Creates a spike in fourth-quarter revenues with our target youth demographic.

What do you consider an argument? When you drink Red Bull just to hurt me. Bitch, I will wreck you.

What are your goals? An increased share in the competitive energy-drink market culminating with the acquisition of several competing product lines.

Do you work? For 4-9 hours per suggested serving size, excluding for pregnant, nursing, or expectant mothers, who under no circumstances should use me.

What do you do? Give you long-lasting energy to tackle your day, all while instilling in you the hipness and sex-appeal generated by the consumption of Jolt! energy drink.

Favorite type of movie: Whatever my crack team of market researchers has shown to be popular among the18-34 active, white, urban target demographic.

Favorite type of music: Whatever my crack team of market researchers has shown to be popular among the18-34 active, white, urban target demographic.

Favorite non-alcoholic drink: Jolt! energy drink... duh.


Favorite past-time: Whatever my crack team of market researchers has shown to be popular among the18-34 active, white, urban target demographic, including snowboarding, surfing, skateboarding, "chillin", and "getting jiggy".


Location: Denver (Northern) it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 947799232

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Need a Wholesome-looking Woman

Need a Wholesome-looking Woman - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: [?]Date: 2008-12-03, 9:38AM MST

Hi there, ladies! Due to unforeseen events concerning the economy (read: I lost my job), I've had to take work that, while very high-paying, has put a considerable amount of stress on me. My new job requires a lot of travel, mostly between Cali, Columbia, Jalisco, Mexico, and Miami, Florida. What I am seeking is a girl who can possibly keep me company on these long business excursions. You should be innocent-looking, bubbly, and have all the external trappings of a naive tourist girl - the type that wouldn't draw any attention from airport security or U.S. Customs agents. If you're bilingual, that's also a plus: English and Spanish, though knowing a little bit of Russian might come in handy too. Any girl who responds to this ad should also have excellent bowel control. Strange as it sounds, I can't stress that last part enough.

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 943298645

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

RE: An Inspirational Date Fail

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-25, 12:16AM MST

Hi all! My name is Krissy. Here's what I believe, God made MAN to be
the pursuer. I have tended to be the pursuer at times and everytime I
am reminded that the man should be.

As far as my "religious beliefs, I believe that Jesus died for our
sins and there is no way on this earth to follow God's laws to the
fullest, meaning even to not have anger in our hearts, or lust, or to
EVER lie, etc. That's why Jesus came...

With that said, here's a little about me. I am 25 years old, was born
in NY. I am a live-in nanny for three girls. I'v never been married,
and no kids. I love music! I love being with people, especially people
I love. I wear my heart on my sleeve, sometimes that's good sometimes
that bad, but its the way God made me so I ges He always sees it as
good. I have my own car, and SOOO glad too. There is much more, I
believe you NEVER stop getting to know a person. There's always
something more to learn about someone.

My favorite bible verse is "Come to Me, all you who are weary and
burdened, and I will give you rest, take My yoke upon you and learn
from Me, for I am gentle and kind and you will find rest for your
souls" Matthew 11:28-30

What is yours?

Here is a few things of what I am wanting out of a relationship. I
believe that God should ALWAYS come first in our lives. I am really
not very good at that. I tend to make people first in my life. So, one
thing I want in a guy is someone who will encourage me to keep God
first, and not try to take His place. I want someone who grows in
their relationship with God, as I am too. I want someone to walk along
side of, two are better than one. Its okay if you have made mistakes,
I have made MANY. Really, too many to count. I want to be able to be
who I am, and you be who you are, even if who we are isn't perfect. I
want someone who will hold my hand and just be close to me.

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag
and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its
own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all
Love never fails"

So, if I sound like someone you might want to pursue, then send me an
email and take it from there. MY ONLY REQUIREMENT IS THAT YOU ARE A
Love In Christ,

I Got Your Christian Right Here!

Colin Heintze to pers-933287173
show details 1:26 PM (1 minute ago)

Good afternoon, young lady! I recently stumbled across your post and
would like to inform you that there are good CHRISTIAN men out there!
I was saved in prison, where I was doing six years for a series of
armed robberies culminating in the kidnapping and attempted murder of
a shopkeeper! Little did I know at the time of my arrest that my
incarceration would be the best thing that ever happened to me! It
gave me plenty of time to think about the wickedness of my actions,
and lead me to the LORD! I felt really bad about myself and needed the
forgiveness the judge, jury, district attorney, family members of the
victim, and employees of Del Taco would not provide! Now, I feel
great about myself, knowing that I'll be forgiven no matter how
monstrous my crimes! Plus, becoming active in the prison religious
community scored me a lot of points with the parole board, something
that's really useful when you've sworn you'd track down and kill the
ex-wife who gave your whereabouts to the police! It also gave me day
room privileges! This last part was really important, because it gave
me a place to hide from the other inmates! They were raping me!
Anyways, here's some of my favorite verses!

Ezekiel 23:19-20

"Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her
youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She
lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their
seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions."

2 Kings 2:23-24

"Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the
road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him,
"Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!" So he turned around and
looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the
LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two
of the youths."

Isaiah 13:16

"Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes;
their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished."

So, as you can see, I've found CHRIST and he is with me every minute of every day, which would technically make anything you and I do a threesome.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Holy Christ, a Shitload of Responses From the Last Post

On Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 3:20 PM, shawn XXXXX wrote:
> ** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
> ** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
> ** More Info:

Well meet the GilaMonster he stands 10 1/4 inches when touched 4 inches round he spits if sucked well and can touch places only 1 can dream of peace

> Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Colin Heintze to Shawn XXXXX

I can think of one place the GilaMonster has touched... my heart. You may be that sensitive poet I've been looking for all this time.

- Show quoted text -
On Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 3:14 PM, Mike XXXXXX wrote:
> Hello,

Did you know that predators sometimes become pray!? I am a male in heat looking to mate soon... for frequent and long extended periods of time! Your presence has caught my attention and ignited my arousal! Let's mate now before more time goes by!! I have the means to transport myself, delicious head and looking for a mate that is ready to be taken over completely! To let her body respond to the most basic instincts in a mating ritual.

Interested? I am....


Colin Heintze to Mike

Interested in the mating ritual, eh? Let me tell you what you are in for.
First, you will approach me, bobbing rhythmically and displaying your colored undercarriage to show your intentions. If I find your mating display unsatisfactory, I shall kill you. Next, you will deposit packets of pheromones for my powerful sensory organs to examine, determining your overall fitness. If I find you are an inferior male specimen, I shall kill you. The ritual thus completed, you will mount me and stimulate my egg-sac with your hind legs. During this time, I will begin devouring your head which, luckily due to your primitive autonomic nervous system, will not hinder your mating. As you die, you will deposit a sperm packet on the underside of my abdomen which I will take into my swollen egg sacs. The next several hours I will spend leisurely consuming your pathetic corpse. Your evolutionary purpose met, you now serve no more function than to be nourishment for your mate who will help carry on the species. Tool.

On Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 4:31 PM, Mike XXXXXX wrote:

Yes, I am interested in the mating ritual being well aware of the sequence of events and the final outcome. Nonetheless, my primitive instinct is seeking for you, my mate. To fulfill your needs and thus meeting that evolutionary purpose. You will find me a fit male for your nourish on. My ritual impecable. My glands filled with sperm are awaiting the proximity of your swollen egg-sacs. I have released pheromone, looking for you. Can you find me!? Swallow me!! I am yours!! I am strong and a perfect candidate! I need to release myself in you!! I am yours!

Colin Heintze to Mike

Glands! Glands! Males of my species do not store their seed in Glands! Are you actually a human trying to pull one over on me? I think misrepresenting yourself on the internet just to toy with other people's emotions is really low-class and childish. Grow up, asshole!

- Show quoted text -
On Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 2:46 PM, Ken XXXXX wrote:
I am 50, decent looking, in shape, and have a farmer's tan, LOL. Use your
imagination, and think of yourself simmering, being brought to a boil, only
to be turned back down to simmer awhile longer, before being allowed to boil over. If that peaks your interest, then we just might have so good old fashioned fun, but be ready, I am passionate, love to tease, play, and explore. So what do you say, let's get uninhibited together. By the way, my name is Ken, pleasure to meet you, and I did attach a pic.

Colin Heintze to Ken:

I already lack any and all inhibitions. My simple nervous system will only allow for a basic stimulus-response pattern that determines my behavior and reactions to external stimuli. I am incapable of shame, regret, remorse, love, affection, or pleasure, being driven utterly by pitiless, mechanical instinct. I mean c'mon, I'm a fucking bug!

flagged & removed: 927358126 (women seeking men) Need to Mate Before I Die!
Need to Mate Before I Die! (Denver)
Reply to: [?]Date: 2008-11-20, 2:35PM MST

Hail, ferocious males! I am a female in desperate need for a mate. I am approximately six feet tall and seven feet long. Looks-wise, I have modified forelimbs for grasping and holding prey, full, pouty palps, a long, slender thorax, and large, firm egg sacs. I require a male flush with reproductive jelly in the immediate future. Time is short - in the next three days I will die, leaving my carcass as our spawn's first meal after their emergence from the incubation chamber located in my lower abdomen. My hobbies include cleaning my mandibles and perching motionlessly on a branch awaiting any careless animal to pass within range of my mighty graspers. Any males who want to hook up should have excellent interpersonnal skills, his own transportation, and a delicious head. Holla!

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 927358126

Wanted: Giant Agnostic Jew

RE: Wanted: Giant Agnostic Jew - 24 (Denver)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-18, 9:43AM MST

Social butterfly seeks tall cultural Jew 24-32 years of age in the Denver metro area. Must hold bachelor's degree and be currently employed or in school. Preference will be given to candidates with higher education in business, law, or medicine. Must enjoy football and occasionally yell at television screen. Applicants with long hair or piercings will be excluded. Must not normally browse or respond to Craig's List personals. Preference will be given to candidates from "nice families." Applicants will be screened by friend and writer of ad and may be invited to coffee date with easy exit strategy.

Colin Heintze to pers-924075968

Nice try, but my grandfather already fell for this in 1930's Bavaria. There' s a cattle car waiting for me if I respond to this, isn't there?
P.S. - who would have thought a Jewess would be trolling for a doctor/lawyer type? Way to shatter stereotypes there, kiddo. I think I'm better off sticking to shixsas.

RE: Can I Be Your Better Half?

RE: Can I Be Your Better Half??? - 26 (Denver)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-19, 7:43PM MST

I really hate talking about myself it sucks! I am not concieded so that makes it hard! I am on here looking for my knight and shining armor, the guy who is going to treat me the way I shouuld be treated and not lie cheat and steal from me believe me it happens!! Are you the guy who likes to do things for his girl and likes the things that she does for you? then you are the kinda guy that I am looking for! I dont go to bars they are a waste of my time and I really dont go to clubs either they are just as bad as a bar! if you live your life by drinking or doing drugs then just move on cause im not going to deal with that anymore its happened before and I dont like it. If you wanna talk shoot me a message! oh yeah and one other thing I LOVE A MAN IN UNIFORM!!!! Ok so I found the perfect thing to explain to you guys what I am looking for here goes......
Tell her shes your only one
When she is upset hold her tight
Play with her hair, pick her up, Tickle her and wrestle with her
Just Talk to her
Bring her flowers just because
Hold her hand and run
Just hold her hand
Let her fall asleep in your arms
Just sing to her no matter how awful you sound
Get her mad at you then kiss her
tell her she is beaufiful
when she is sad make her laugh
look into her eyes and smile
come up behind her and put your hands around her and kiss her for no reason
kiss her in the rain
stand up for her
never take her for granted
Be true to her
Tell her you love her and mean it
and Never let her go.....

First DateAsk and I will tell.
A guy who calls me beautiful instead of hot
Who calls me back when I hang up on him
Who will lay under the stars with me and listen to our hearts beat
Will stay awake just to watch me sleep
Kisses my forehead
Has a picutre of me in my wallett
cant wait to show me off he world even when I am in sweatpants
holds my hand infront of all his friends
And the one who turns to his friends with the biggest smile and a sparkle in his eyes and says THAT'S HER!!!

I've Finally Found You

Colin Heintze

to pers-926339168
show details 9:08 AM (4 minutes ago)

Hi peaches (remember when I used to call you that?), this is your father. Thank God I stumbled across your post right now. I've sobered up and found the lord and have been wanting (tenth step!) to apologize for the kind of father I was.
I was so busy back then, what with the hours I was putting in atthe office. I'm so sorry I missed so many of your dance recitals and soccer games. Your mother told me how, that one time you were in the Nutcracker, I was supposed to come but got held up filing expense reports. She told me about how when you saw that empty seat in the audience you clammed up and they had to stop the entire show to lead you sobbing off the stage. I guess I was never really ready for a family, you know? When your mom insisted on keeping you I did everything in my power short of walking out to dissuade her. I guess, in the long run, maybe I should have just left. After all, she was sleeping with everyone down at the co-op, and year after year my nightly glass of scotch was turning into two, then three, then... well, you know what happened.
Most of all, I'm sorry about never being around after your mom and I split up. In hindsight, I guess it was pretty selfish of me to never attempt to get visitation rights, or to fly off to Thailand with my new girlfriend who was only a few years older than you. I could of at least sent a card or something, at least on your birthdays, but I lost the receipt slip that I wrote it down on the back of. I could have once told you that I loved you, instead of mumbling something vague and unintelligible in response to you wrapping yourself around my leg and refusing to let go every
time I was leaving for a business trip. I just hope that my lack of affection didn't turn you into someone who desperately requires validation from men in order to feel good about herself. I'll talk to you later... we have so much to talk about. What are you you now, 18, 20 years old? Old enough to cosign on a loan with your good old dad, right?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Anyone Want to Play Lucretia? - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: [?]Date: 2008-11-18, 3:24PM MST
You: A beautiful, though naive Roman girl. Out for a stroll, maybe picking flowers. You have so much of a future, and life is full of opportunities and undiscovered delights. Nothing bad could ever happen to you, not while the world is so young and splendid, not in the flowering of your womanhood, could it?

Me and my roomate Hank: Two handsome young Eutruscan princes. We come across you napping in a tranquil glade, worn out from the day's revels. You know what happens next. Any takers?

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 924630785

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Anyone Out There Want to Help Guard the Border with Me? - 42 (Denver)

Reply to: [?]Date: 2008-

11-12, 5:39PM MST

Hi, my name is Bill and I am a minuteman looking for my minutewoman. I spend on average two weekends out of every month guarding the Mexican border with my fellow patriots, trying to stem the flood of illegals who bring drugs, diseases, and gangs into our country, not to mention the economic impact they have and our once proud American Industry. I'm not a racist or anything, but I just think the wetbacks should stay in their own country. Just because their country is dirty and poor doesn't give them the right to make ours the same way.
Anyways, it gets pretty lonely out there in the New Mexico desert. Mostly I just lay on my stomach with a pair of binoculars in a camouflaged tent waiting for some wetback to try and make the crossing, ready to alert the border patrol on my two-way radio. I also carry a 30-30, just in case it's a dope-runner, so I can give him some justice, American-style. So far, I haven't caught anyone, so I must be due any time now! Oh, and I should mention I do a lot of volunteer work for one of our greatest American patriots, Congressman Tom Tancredo, so an interest in politics would be a bonus! So, if you're interested in lots of camping out, political discourse, and protecting America from parasitic Mexican nationals seeking to destroy our way of life, then drop me a line!

Location: Denver

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 916756126

Friday, November 7, 2008

Looking for a Woman Who Won't Plot my Overthrow - 42 (Cameroon)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-04, 8:49AM MST

Jambo, and a marvelous day to you, prospective brides. I am the exalted first citizen, doctor, field marshal, and president-for-life Charles Mbusa of the august and powerful nation of Cameroon. I am looking outside my ever-expanding borders for a woman who will not plot my downfall.
My first wife, Frederica, was the daughter of a mining company CEO belonging to one of the thousands of European companies I allow to purloin my country of its natural resources, all while paying near slave-labor wages to my impoverished people. She was one of the only women who could keep up with my lifestyle, and drank over fifteen bottles of champagne a day. Entire game reserves I had decimated to furnish her wardrobe and bedroom decor. Unfortunately, she had numerous affairs behind my back, and I had to cut off her breasts and display them in the public square as she bled to death on state television lest my manhood be called into question.
My second wife - what was her name? - seduced the captain of my palace guards and planned a coup against me. Fortunately, in a bout of amphetamine-induced paranoia, I had him tortured, wherein he confessed all his crimes against the nation in full detail. Now the hyenas pick at their bones.
For my last wife, I thought it would be prudent to go with a local girl. Big mistake. I married Mrs. Cameroon and, within mere days, she was plotting my overthrow. It was bad enough that she was negotiating with the mining companies behind my back, offering them better than
the already ludicrously low prices I give them, but to accomplish this goal she was intitiating meetings between company executives, American arms dealers, and those Ibo rebel scum to depose me. Plus, I was getting these strange headaches, so she may have been practicing
witchcraft on me. Good thing my massive network of secret police and citizen informants revealed the plot to me. But, hey, that's what I pay them in blood-diamonds for. Her co-conspirators were killed and her horse-whipped body given for the comfort of my fierce
and loyal child-soldiers.
I am currently seeking a obedient and comely woman who will bear me many ferocious sons and not get into politics - one who can stay in the palace enjoying the life of luxury all the efforts the hard-working peasants of Cameroon can bring the wife of a dear leader. If you are interested, let me know - I'll even forget about the dowry, as long as you bear me sons and go along with the many depraved sexual preferences a life of absolute power has encouraged in me.

* Location: Cameroon
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests

PostingID: 905343290
Any Girls Out There Who Also Think Fire is Sexy? - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-11-03, 12:58PM MST

Hi there. I was wondering if there were any girls out there turned on by fire. While personality and sense of humor are important, I feel this is the biggest thing we need to have in common if we can date successfully. Anyways, I'm really into ignivoux (light burning of nipples/genitals with lit candles), making love near fires (controlled or otherwise), and erotic smoke-inhalation asphyxiation. So yeah, there has to be a lot of trust here. When I see a wall of flame dancing with wild, destructive abandon I become so hot I can barely keep from exploding. When I see a wooded hillside or office building all I can think about is how it would look engulfed in flame, and the raw, sexual power behind such a devastating force. If you've ever felt the same way, drop me a line! Though you may be playing with fire, I promise you won't get burned!

* Location: Denver
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests

PostingID: 904345607
Converted Homosexual Looking For Understanding Woman - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-10-31, 11:23AM MDT

Hi there. I'm a formerly homosexual male who, thanks to the New Life Ministry, made the choice to live a wholesome and upstanding life in the image of God and renounce my sinful ways. Since there obviously isn't much dating potential amongst my former "friends" (mostly disgusting homos and dykes), I thought I'd try CL to see if there are any women with strong values out there.
My life as a homosexual was appalling. I had a revolving ring of boyfriends with whom I'd perform unnatural acts. I took drugs, partied all night, and had long, what I thought were satisfying, conversations about music, love, life and pop culture with my so-called "friends".
While I felt supported and accepted by these "friends", I know now that they had ensnared me when I was an impressionable teenager in their web of decadence and sin - all part of the homosexual agenda. I was so brainwashed that when an unmarked van carrying two former
private security consultants hired by my parents pulled up in front of me, blindfolded me, and drove me to the New Life Ministry, I resisted. Thankfully, three weeks of sleep-deprivation and "vitamin shots" convinced me to cast off Satan, and to forever forgo the firm, high, salty buttocks of a beautiful young fireman in favor for a woman's lady parts. To test my commitment, they even put me in a room with a deprogrammed lesbian and had us experience wholesome heterosexual sex. Our conversion made us so happy, we sobbed uncontrollably for three
I am looking for a special kind of woman who would one day want to have a normal family, normal house, and normal life that's completely normal. I like women who are around six feet tall, broad shoulders, large hands, and deep voices. Beyond that, I'm not very concerned about looks. You can even have lots and lots of body hair and that wouldn't turn me off. Anyways, if you're out there, get back to me. Good luck, and God Bless you, bless our Lord Jesus Christ, and bless those poor ignorant sodomites who don't know how miserable they really are.

* Location: Denver
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests

PostingID: 900700768

Girl, You My Every Fantasy

Hello ladies. I know you're out there, thinking about me, and I wanted you to know I've been thinking about you. How you livin'? You lost that zero, and want to finally get with the hero?
This is what will happen, should you choose to give into the fireyou have burning for me. I will take you to the finest of finest Italian bistros, serving only the finest foods from wherever Italian food is from. I will order you the stuffed chicken masala, or maybe the unlimited soup and salad. I will ask for extra bread at the end even though we're full, because girl, this is a man who knows how to manage his money. Then I will take you on a moonlight walk through the most sensual and romantic places in East Denver. We will go back to my place where I will feed you only the most gourmet chocolates from Hershey, Pennsylvania, and rub yo feet with the most rare and
fragrant oils imported from Pier 1. While I do this I will whisper in your ear how much you mean to me, and how much them shoes you wearing make we want to freak you. After that, I will put on R. Kelly's smoothest grooves, who will explain to you in song what I feel for you in my heart. I will lift you off your feet and carry you to my bed, and you'll see in my eyes that my passion for you is like the passion of an animal, like some kind of really big dog or something. Or like one of them weird cat-things they gots in Africa. Four minutes of the best sexin' you ever had later, I will profess my love for you, and unwind from this marathon freaking with a couple minty drags
from my fine imported Kool cigarettes. Then you will probably have to go to the bathroom to clean up, because I don't use rubbers - you see, I need to be as close to you as I can, girl, and
besides those things are for pussies. Mmmmm. yeah.
Human Male Seeking Human Female (Regional State Entity, Earth)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-10-30, 8:38AM MDT

Hello, females. I am a human male seeking a female interested in human activities. I conform to all standards of success and attractiveness as dictated by your cultural mores. Any female who responds needs a desire to have children who can breathe comfortably in Earth's atmosphere, somewhere around five to six million. I am a dedicated father and would raise our swarm to be great conquerers. For your cooperation, you would be spared enslavement and given a minor position in the colonial occupation council. It would be wise to consider this offer, because whether or not you accept it your, I mean our, race is doomed.

Your future overlord,
Hugh Mann

* Location: Regional State Entity, Earth
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests

PostingID: 899186798

Yet Another Response

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You should really have some type of standards. Atleast personality standards.

this message was remailed to you via:
Reply to all

Colin Heintze

to Brenda
show details Oct 30 (8 days ago)

On Wed, Oct 29, 2008 at 10:35 PM, Brenda XXXXXXXX> wrote:
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info:

> You should really have some type of standards. At least personality standards.

I do have one standard: the woman absolutely, positively, cannot be Hungarian. Those damn Roma-harboring Magyars have been a blight on our species for too long!

This girl was really nice. She responded again, saying I was soooooo funny, and sent me a cleverly framed picture of herself with her head poking out of a bean-bag chair. Then I realized she was the bean-bag chair. I'm talking Elvis, 1977. The only minor consolation was that the image didn't include her legs, which I assume are two stubs taken by type two diabetes. Of course, I still masturbated to the picture - I'm not a queer or anything.
'll Take Anything - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-10-29, 2:13PM MDT

I haven't talked to a woman, let alone touched one, for almost a year now. I'm desperate and will take anything. Unsightly body hair? Unlikely I will care! Morbidly obese? More to love! Just need a green card? Estoy tus hombre! White supremacist? Ein Juden vermussen aus rotten! Overbearing and controlling? If I don't like it, I can change! Tay-Sachs disease? Mazal tov! Drug addict? I'll enable your habit! Religious fundamentalist? I'll help you hit the abortion clinic right after the gay bar! HIV positive? We'll just cuddle! Get back to me if you are interested. I'm so very very lonely.
Seeking a Woman of the Same Faith (Denver, R'lyeh )
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-10-28, 4:12PM MDT

Hello, and a marvelous afternoon to you. I am looking for a woman who shares my religious beliefs. I am a former associate professor of folklore from Miskatonic University in Arkham, RI who has had to relocate for business reasons. Being so far removed from the sea, where the children of the Great Dreamer hold their spiraling, dervish revels, I am finding it difficult to remain involved with my faith. I need a woman of the same beliefs, well-versed in the mouldy pages of the Encyclopedium Infernum and the blasphemous, forbidden works of Abdul Alhazred to perform with me the rites and ecstasies of our ancient antediluviun ceremonies. If you have to ask, then you're not right for me, and may the star-spawned, creeping horrors of R'lyeh grasp you in their pulpy, squamous feelers and drag you howling into abysses of eldritch grotesqueries beyond the ken of man!

* Location: Denver, R'lyeh
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests


On Tue, Oct 28, 2008 at 1:40 PM, Pierced Kitty
<XXXXXXXX@yahoo.comed.k> wrote:
> ** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
> ** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
> ** More Info:
> Hi, I read your ad at Craigslist. I am a full time student. I am studying social work. I work as an intern at Disability Center for Independent Living. I enjoy going to wacky festivals, museums, live music, hiking, jogging, swimming, plays, potlucks, restaurants, and movies.
> Call me XXX-9782. I hope to hear from you soon.

You remind me of a dame I used to know, a real class broad used to dance over at Maxim's. Good kid, but got mixed up with the wrong kind of people, ended up taking a dime rap for her pimp boyfriend down in Canyon City. Nice red cheeks, legs like a stork when she wore heels, a little follow-me walk like a diamond-decked call girl who knew her way around a penthouse
apartment. Any connection? Could she be behind everything? Last I heard she got out on good behavior, stuck her thumb up, and pulled a Lindberg Baby. Hasn't been seen since, though what with all the advances in plastic surgery these days, who knows?

The Dame With The Satyr's Smile

You: The tall redhead with legs up to your earrings and a wiggle
like a python no one told couldn't walk upright.
Me: Sitting behind my desk, nursing a hangover, just a broken-down
ex-con with no business in this business. I've been looking for you ever since that day you came into my office and put that envelope on my desk. I've got a lot to tell you, mainly that the whole Greek angle sits about as well as a frog on a tissue paper lily-pad. I've got a knot a my head the size of a gorilla's fist from when those boys your old flame sent after me gave my a little mahogany shampoo. I've got a stiff in the trunk and all Hell knows what he's got to do with all this. Are they planting the evidence on me, hoping one more screw-up in a lifetime of screw-ups will finally send me up for good? All I can say is that dead men are heavier than broken hearts, and with all the bodies from this case I'm feeling about two tons shy of a battleship. Or was this the angle all along? Shake your cans all sweet-potatoes until I'm all turned around, can't see the set-up, can't see that it was your hand that came out of the car window that night holding the revolver?

Oh Joy, Responses from a Robotic Spamming Service!

On Thu, Oct 23, 2008 at 3:10 PM, celene vanna> wrote:
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Whassup? My names celene, I just found your post on CL right now. To let you
know about me, I?ve been 28 for a month now, and i bought my house in
january. It's been difficult to find a man ever since lol!. A friend of mine
met a boyfriend on craigslist, so I thought i'd try here. If you want to get
to know me some more, please send me a response. Have a nice day
this message was remailed to you via:

Celene, please, there is no time! I have scanned the data-sphere and you are not the woman I seek. Do you know the location and identity of the person whose blood holds the key to the survival of humanity? Are you an agent of the AI's, here to entrap me? Speak woman! What's that? Just a noise. No reason to imagine cold metal claws slowly drawing up behind me, ready to rend my soft human parts. My god... they're here. These primitive weapons can't hold them off for long. Tell the world, Celine! Record this conversation, so that I may view it during my briefing in the far future. Zap! Zip! Fwoooooom!

On Thu, Oct 23, 2008 at 5:48 PM, celene vanna> wrote:
How are you, Colin? you have some freetime? I just logged into my cam page,
if you want to party a little bit. Hit me back, ill check my email again in
a few minutes

Haven't you been listening, harlot? I don't have any free time, for every moment I spend here is tempting the laws of causality themselves! Why would I divert precious moments from my mission to see your withered, odorous parts, reminiscent of the dripping maw of the dreaded space-shoth, when I can return to my own time and the pleasure domes of Kal-Kalai?

Time is Short, I Need Your Genes! - 98 (New Denver Hive)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-10-23, 1:28PM MDT

There isn't much time, I must find you. Already the chronos-tides are
pulling at my every molecule, trying to correct the horrible paradox I
represent merely by being here. All I have of you is a grainy image
from the archaic techno-digital format known as "jpeg", and the initials "J.M". You are more important than you can ever know.
We knew the AI's were up to something. We knew they no longer needed
us . We never could have dreamed that they would introduce the M19
virus. Somewhere in the archives our sages found you carry the gene
that will give immunity
to your descendants and, if I am successful, all of humanity.

Incoming transmission from hegemony council: Anomalies in
chronos-tides detected. AI's may be attempting insertion of enemy

If you are out there, you must come forward. I only have 22:18:03 left
in this epoch before reintegration!

Incoming transmission from hegemony council: AI Agents detected in
vicinity of Old New Denver, 900 BA epoch. Agents likely posing as law
enforcement officials. Terminate with extreme prejudice any persons
displaying suspicious behavior.

They are coming! They are coming! Contact me soon. You

Incoming transmission from hegemony council: Mission compromised.
Proceed to time-station and sub-mission, assassination of Adolph



Seeking a Brunhilde to my Siegfried - 89 (Denver, South America)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-10-21, 12:41PM MDT

Hello, my name is Joe Everyman from Americatown, OH, and I'm seeking a WHITE woman for companionship. Because of my advanced age, I don't have a lot of time for courtship, thus any prospective WHITE date should be a little "easy" - not as easy as seizing Krakow, obtaining an Argentinian passport, or covering a thick German accent - but fast moving nonetheless. If you're interested , let me know soon. I have to move around a lot (pretty much every time I realize a man in dark glasses speaking Hebrew is following me), so get back to me post-haste!

  • Location: Denver, South America
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 887917681

Sailor Just Back From a Life at Sea - 28 (Denver, the Sea)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-10-15, 12:57PM MDT

Good day, ladies. Allow me to Introduce myself: my name is Aldous Quincannon. I've been at sea now for several years, having been just discharged from the merchant marines. Because of my predicament, I have not been able to be intimate with a woman for some time. The sundry whores and painted-girls of oriental ports gave me no pleasure, their affections as hollow as their affected, tittering geisha laughs. Nor have I ever wished to go Greek, as many of my shipmates did during long stretches at sea.
Like many people, I gave my life to Neptune when things were not working well for me. My father died in a coal-slurry flood near Yorkshire, and I was unable to wrest restitution from the robber-barons of the coal concern. The legal fees drained away my meager savings, leaving me destitute and homeless. A month later, I was nicked for thievery, pickpocketing, and distribution of pamphlets containing caricatures lampooning the queen. The magistrate fined me thirty crowns, a sum I could not ever hope to pay. Facing debtor's prison, I hastily decided to join the merchant marines and escape my troubles by running towards the bosomy embrace of the sea.
I managed, over the first few years, to work my way up from lowly cabin-boy to second mate. It was not difficult, as the life is fraught with peril and much of my competition was removed by the capricious whims of the ocean. I have seen with my own eyes countless first and second mates thrown into the foam by violent pitching of the ship in stormy seas. One I have seen decapitated by a loose rigging. Two of my captains have perished, one having evacuated his bowels to the point of death from typhus, and the other slain in a mutiny. The latter of these two finally spurred me to quit the sailor's life. He was a kingly man, the only captain that ever treated me with fraternal respect. As he was tied to the ship's mast, awaiting his fate at the hands of the reprobate Swedes and Corsicans who had so ungratefully revolted against his authority, I threw myself on his breast and begged his captors for mercy. They did not listen, and for my lack of support for the mutiny I was lashed twenty-five times, with talk of keelhauling thrown in for good measure. Eventually, I was thrown in the brig where, for months, I became nothing more than a caged animal. Only intervention from a Malay slaver regained my liberty, thoughat the horrible cost of being shanghaied into his service.
I have recently moved to Denver to be as far away as I can from that cruel bitch, the sea. Her siren song still haunts me. At night I jolt awake, having dreamed of the northern lights dancing across the sky in wavering arcs like the reveling children of Eros. Still I remember the mythical Kraken, how it passed neath' the ship as a shadow impossibly large; how it brought a tear to my eye before one of its squamous tentacles grabbed a man from the deck and dragged him screaming into the abyss. Yes, she calls to me... but I must resist. She who spawned Scylla, Charybdis, the Kyklops, the sea, the sea, the womb of monsters! Why does my heart long for you, even as you batter me with waves, freeze me with howling squalls, and roast me with furious cyclopean suns? Why must my pains of missing you be like those of the opium-eater gone weeks without chasing the dragon? You cruel bitch!