Tuesday, November 25, 2008

RE: An Inspirational Date Fail

Reply to: pers-933287173@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-25, 12:16AM MST

Hi all! My name is Krissy. Here's what I believe, God made MAN to be
the pursuer. I have tended to be the pursuer at times and everytime I
am reminded that the man should be.

As far as my "religious beliefs, I believe that Jesus died for our
sins and there is no way on this earth to follow God's laws to the
fullest, meaning even to not have anger in our hearts, or lust, or to
EVER lie, etc. That's why Jesus came...

With that said, here's a little about me. I am 25 years old, was born
in NY. I am a live-in nanny for three girls. I'v never been married,
and no kids. I love music! I love being with people, especially people
I love. I wear my heart on my sleeve, sometimes that's good sometimes
that bad, but its the way God made me so I ges He always sees it as
good. I have my own car, and SOOO glad too. There is much more, I
believe you NEVER stop getting to know a person. There's always
something more to learn about someone.

My favorite bible verse is "Come to Me, all you who are weary and
burdened, and I will give you rest, take My yoke upon you and learn
from Me, for I am gentle and kind and you will find rest for your
souls" Matthew 11:28-30

What is yours?

Here is a few things of what I am wanting out of a relationship. I
believe that God should ALWAYS come first in our lives. I am really
not very good at that. I tend to make people first in my life. So, one
thing I want in a guy is someone who will encourage me to keep God
first, and not try to take His place. I want someone who grows in
their relationship with God, as I am too. I want someone to walk along
side of, two are better than one. Its okay if you have made mistakes,
I have made MANY. Really, too many to count. I want to be able to be
who I am, and you be who you are, even if who we are isn't perfect. I
want someone who will hold my hand and just be close to me.

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag
and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its
own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all
Love never fails"

So, if I sound like someone you might want to pursue, then send me an
email and take it from there. MY ONLY REQUIREMENT IS THAT YOU ARE A
Love In Christ,

I Got Your Christian Right Here!

Colin Heintze to pers-933287173
show details 1:26 PM (1 minute ago)

Good afternoon, young lady! I recently stumbled across your post and
would like to inform you that there are good CHRISTIAN men out there!
I was saved in prison, where I was doing six years for a series of
armed robberies culminating in the kidnapping and attempted murder of
a shopkeeper! Little did I know at the time of my arrest that my
incarceration would be the best thing that ever happened to me! It
gave me plenty of time to think about the wickedness of my actions,
and lead me to the LORD! I felt really bad about myself and needed the
forgiveness the judge, jury, district attorney, family members of the
victim, and employees of Del Taco would not provide! Now, I feel
great about myself, knowing that I'll be forgiven no matter how
monstrous my crimes! Plus, becoming active in the prison religious
community scored me a lot of points with the parole board, something
that's really useful when you've sworn you'd track down and kill the
ex-wife who gave your whereabouts to the police! It also gave me day
room privileges! This last part was really important, because it gave
me a place to hide from the other inmates! They were raping me!
Anyways, here's some of my favorite verses!

Ezekiel 23:19-20

"Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her
youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She
lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their
seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions."

2 Kings 2:23-24

"Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the
road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him,
"Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!" So he turned around and
looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the
LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two
of the youths."

Isaiah 13:16

"Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes;
their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished."

So, as you can see, I've found CHRIST and he is with me every minute of every day, which would technically make anything you and I do a threesome.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Holy Christ, a Shitload of Responses From the Last Post

On Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 3:20 PM, shawn XXXXX wrote:
> ** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
> ** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
> ** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

Well meet the GilaMonster he stands 10 1/4 inches when touched 4 inches round he spits if sucked well and can touch places only 1 can dream of peace

> Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Colin Heintze to Shawn XXXXX

I can think of one place the GilaMonster has touched... my heart. You may be that sensitive poet I've been looking for all this time.

- Show quoted text -
On Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 3:14 PM, Mike XXXXXX wrote:
> Hello,

Did you know that predators sometimes become pray!? I am a male in heat looking to mate soon... for frequent and long extended periods of time! Your presence has caught my attention and ignited my arousal! Let's mate now before more time goes by!! I have the means to transport myself, delicious head and looking for a mate that is ready to be taken over completely! To let her body respond to the most basic instincts in a mating ritual.

Interested? I am....


Colin Heintze to Mike

Interested in the mating ritual, eh? Let me tell you what you are in for.
First, you will approach me, bobbing rhythmically and displaying your colored undercarriage to show your intentions. If I find your mating display unsatisfactory, I shall kill you. Next, you will deposit packets of pheromones for my powerful sensory organs to examine, determining your overall fitness. If I find you are an inferior male specimen, I shall kill you. The ritual thus completed, you will mount me and stimulate my egg-sac with your hind legs. During this time, I will begin devouring your head which, luckily due to your primitive autonomic nervous system, will not hinder your mating. As you die, you will deposit a sperm packet on the underside of my abdomen which I will take into my swollen egg sacs. The next several hours I will spend leisurely consuming your pathetic corpse. Your evolutionary purpose met, you now serve no more function than to be nourishment for your mate who will help carry on the species. Tool.

On Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 4:31 PM, Mike XXXXXX wrote:

Yes, I am interested in the mating ritual being well aware of the sequence of events and the final outcome. Nonetheless, my primitive instinct is seeking for you, my mate. To fulfill your needs and thus meeting that evolutionary purpose. You will find me a fit male for your nourish on. My ritual impecable. My glands filled with sperm are awaiting the proximity of your swollen egg-sacs. I have released pheromone, looking for you. Can you find me!? Swallow me!! I am yours!! I am strong and a perfect candidate! I need to release myself in you!! I am yours!

Colin Heintze to Mike

Glands! Glands! Males of my species do not store their seed in Glands! Are you actually a human trying to pull one over on me? I think misrepresenting yourself on the internet just to toy with other people's emotions is really low-class and childish. Grow up, asshole!

- Show quoted text -
On Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 2:46 PM, Ken XXXXX wrote:
I am 50, decent looking, in shape, and have a farmer's tan, LOL. Use your
imagination, and think of yourself simmering, being brought to a boil, only
to be turned back down to simmer awhile longer, before being allowed to boil over. If that peaks your interest, then we just might have so good old fashioned fun, but be ready, I am passionate, love to tease, play, and explore. So what do you say, let's get uninhibited together. By the way, my name is Ken, pleasure to meet you, and I did attach a pic.

Colin Heintze to Ken:

I already lack any and all inhibitions. My simple nervous system will only allow for a basic stimulus-response pattern that determines my behavior and reactions to external stimuli. I am incapable of shame, regret, remorse, love, affection, or pleasure, being driven utterly by pitiless, mechanical instinct. I mean c'mon, I'm a fucking bug!

flagged & removed: 927358126 (women seeking men) Need to Mate Before I Die!
Need to Mate Before I Die! (Denver)
Reply to: pers-927358126@craigslist.org [?]Date: 2008-11-20, 2:35PM MST

Hail, ferocious males! I am a female in desperate need for a mate. I am approximately six feet tall and seven feet long. Looks-wise, I have modified forelimbs for grasping and holding prey, full, pouty palps, a long, slender thorax, and large, firm egg sacs. I require a male flush with reproductive jelly in the immediate future. Time is short - in the next three days I will die, leaving my carcass as our spawn's first meal after their emergence from the incubation chamber located in my lower abdomen. My hobbies include cleaning my mandibles and perching motionlessly on a branch awaiting any careless animal to pass within range of my mighty graspers. Any males who want to hook up should have excellent interpersonnal skills, his own transportation, and a delicious head. Holla!

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 927358126

Wanted: Giant Agnostic Jew

RE: Wanted: Giant Agnostic Jew - 24 (Denver)
Reply to: pers-924075968@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-18, 9:43AM MST

Social butterfly seeks tall cultural Jew 24-32 years of age in the Denver metro area. Must hold bachelor's degree and be currently employed or in school. Preference will be given to candidates with higher education in business, law, or medicine. Must enjoy football and occasionally yell at television screen. Applicants with long hair or piercings will be excluded. Must not normally browse or respond to Craig's List personals. Preference will be given to candidates from "nice families." Applicants will be screened by friend and writer of ad and may be invited to coffee date with easy exit strategy.

Colin Heintze to pers-924075968

Nice try, but my grandfather already fell for this in 1930's Bavaria. There' s a cattle car waiting for me if I respond to this, isn't there?
P.S. - who would have thought a Jewess would be trolling for a doctor/lawyer type? Way to shatter stereotypes there, kiddo. I think I'm better off sticking to shixsas.

RE: Can I Be Your Better Half?

RE: Can I Be Your Better Half??? - 26 (Denver)

Reply to: mailto:pers-926339168@craigslist.org?subject=Can%20I%20Be%20Your%20Better%20Half%3f%3f%3f%20-%2026%20%28Denver%29 [?]
Date: 2008-11-19, 7:43PM MST

I really hate talking about myself it sucks! I am not concieded so that makes it hard! I am on here looking for my knight and shining armor, the guy who is going to treat me the way I shouuld be treated and not lie cheat and steal from me believe me it happens!! Are you the guy who likes to do things for his girl and likes the things that she does for you? then you are the kinda guy that I am looking for! I dont go to bars they are a waste of my time and I really dont go to clubs either they are just as bad as a bar! if you live your life by drinking or doing drugs then just move on cause im not going to deal with that anymore its happened before and I dont like it. If you wanna talk shoot me a message! oh yeah and one other thing I LOVE A MAN IN UNIFORM!!!! Ok so I found the perfect thing to explain to you guys what I am looking for here goes......
Tell her shes your only one
When she is upset hold her tight
Play with her hair, pick her up, Tickle her and wrestle with her
Just Talk to her
Bring her flowers just because
Hold her hand and run
Just hold her hand
Let her fall asleep in your arms
Just sing to her no matter how awful you sound
Get her mad at you then kiss her
tell her she is beaufiful
when she is sad make her laugh
look into her eyes and smile
come up behind her and put your hands around her and kiss her for no reason
kiss her in the rain
stand up for her
never take her for granted
Be true to her
Tell her you love her and mean it
and Never let her go.....

First DateAsk and I will tell.
A guy who calls me beautiful instead of hot
Who calls me back when I hang up on him
Who will lay under the stars with me and listen to our hearts beat
Will stay awake just to watch me sleep
Kisses my forehead
Has a picutre of me in my wallett
cant wait to show me off he world even when I am in sweatpants
holds my hand infront of all his friends
And the one who turns to his friends with the biggest smile and a sparkle in his eyes and says THAT'S HER!!!

I've Finally Found You

Colin Heintze

to pers-926339168
show details 9:08 AM (4 minutes ago)

Hi peaches (remember when I used to call you that?), this is your father. Thank God I stumbled across your post right now. I've sobered up and found the lord and have been wanting (tenth step!) to apologize for the kind of father I was.
I was so busy back then, what with the hours I was putting in atthe office. I'm so sorry I missed so many of your dance recitals and soccer games. Your mother told me how, that one time you were in the Nutcracker, I was supposed to come but got held up filing expense reports. She told me about how when you saw that empty seat in the audience you clammed up and they had to stop the entire show to lead you sobbing off the stage. I guess I was never really ready for a family, you know? When your mom insisted on keeping you I did everything in my power short of walking out to dissuade her. I guess, in the long run, maybe I should have just left. After all, she was sleeping with everyone down at the co-op, and year after year my nightly glass of scotch was turning into two, then three, then... well, you know what happened.
Most of all, I'm sorry about never being around after your mom and I split up. In hindsight, I guess it was pretty selfish of me to never attempt to get visitation rights, or to fly off to Thailand with my new girlfriend who was only a few years older than you. I could of at least sent a card or something, at least on your birthdays, but I lost the receipt slip that I wrote it down on the back of. I could have once told you that I loved you, instead of mumbling something vague and unintelligible in response to you wrapping yourself around my leg and refusing to let go every
time I was leaving for a business trip. I just hope that my lack of affection didn't turn you into someone who desperately requires validation from men in order to feel good about herself. I'll talk to you later... we have so much to talk about. What are you you now, 18, 20 years old? Old enough to cosign on a loan with your good old dad, right?

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Anyone Want to Play Lucretia? - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: pers-924630785@craigslist.org [?]Date: 2008-11-18, 3:24PM MST
You: A beautiful, though naive Roman girl. Out for a stroll, maybe picking flowers. You have so much of a future, and life is full of opportunities and undiscovered delights. Nothing bad could ever happen to you, not while the world is so young and splendid, not in the flowering of your womanhood, could it?

Me and my roomate Hank: Two handsome young Eutruscan princes. We come across you napping in a tranquil glade, worn out from the day's revels. You know what happens next. Any takers?

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 924630785

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Anyone Out There Want to Help Guard the Border with Me? - 42 (Denver)

Reply to: pers-916756126@craigslist.org [?]Date: 2008-

11-12, 5:39PM MST

Hi, my name is Bill and I am a minuteman looking for my minutewoman. I spend on average two weekends out of every month guarding the Mexican border with my fellow patriots, trying to stem the flood of illegals who bring drugs, diseases, and gangs into our country, not to mention the economic impact they have and our once proud American Industry. I'm not a racist or anything, but I just think the wetbacks should stay in their own country. Just because their country is dirty and poor doesn't give them the right to make ours the same way.
Anyways, it gets pretty lonely out there in the New Mexico desert. Mostly I just lay on my stomach with a pair of binoculars in a camouflaged tent waiting for some wetback to try and make the crossing, ready to alert the border patrol on my two-way radio. I also carry a 30-30, just in case it's a dope-runner, so I can give him some justice, American-style. So far, I haven't caught anyone, so I must be due any time now! Oh, and I should mention I do a lot of volunteer work for one of our greatest American patriots, Congressman Tom Tancredo, so an interest in politics would be a bonus! So, if you're interested in lots of camping out, political discourse, and protecting America from parasitic Mexican nationals seeking to destroy our way of life, then drop me a line!

Location: Denver

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 916756126

Friday, November 7, 2008

Looking for a Woman Who Won't Plot my Overthrow - 42 (Cameroon)
Reply to: pers-905343290@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-04, 8:49AM MST

Jambo, and a marvelous day to you, prospective brides. I am the exalted first citizen, doctor, field marshal, and president-for-life Charles Mbusa of the august and powerful nation of Cameroon. I am looking outside my ever-expanding borders for a woman who will not plot my downfall.
My first wife, Frederica, was the daughter of a mining company CEO belonging to one of the thousands of European companies I allow to purloin my country of its natural resources, all while paying near slave-labor wages to my impoverished people. She was one of the only women who could keep up with my lifestyle, and drank over fifteen bottles of champagne a day. Entire game reserves I had decimated to furnish her wardrobe and bedroom decor. Unfortunately, she had numerous affairs behind my back, and I had to cut off her breasts and display them in the public square as she bled to death on state television lest my manhood be called into question.
My second wife - what was her name? - seduced the captain of my palace guards and planned a coup against me. Fortunately, in a bout of amphetamine-induced paranoia, I had him tortured, wherein he confessed all his crimes against the nation in full detail. Now the hyenas pick at their bones.
For my last wife, I thought it would be prudent to go with a local girl. Big mistake. I married Mrs. Cameroon and, within mere days, she was plotting my overthrow. It was bad enough that she was negotiating with the mining companies behind my back, offering them better than
the already ludicrously low prices I give them, but to accomplish this goal she was intitiating meetings between company executives, American arms dealers, and those Ibo rebel scum to depose me. Plus, I was getting these strange headaches, so she may have been practicing
witchcraft on me. Good thing my massive network of secret police and citizen informants revealed the plot to me. But, hey, that's what I pay them in blood-diamonds for. Her co-conspirators were killed and her horse-whipped body given for the comfort of my fierce
and loyal child-soldiers.
I am currently seeking a obedient and comely woman who will bear me many ferocious sons and not get into politics - one who can stay in the palace enjoying the life of luxury all the efforts the hard-working peasants of Cameroon can bring the wife of a dear leader. If you are interested, let me know - I'll even forget about the dowry, as long as you bear me sons and go along with the many depraved sexual preferences a life of absolute power has encouraged in me.

* Location: Cameroon
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests

PostingID: 905343290
Any Girls Out There Who Also Think Fire is Sexy? - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: pers-904345607@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-03, 12:58PM MST

Hi there. I was wondering if there were any girls out there turned on by fire. While personality and sense of humor are important, I feel this is the biggest thing we need to have in common if we can date successfully. Anyways, I'm really into ignivoux (light burning of nipples/genitals with lit candles), making love near fires (controlled or otherwise), and erotic smoke-inhalation asphyxiation. So yeah, there has to be a lot of trust here. When I see a wall of flame dancing with wild, destructive abandon I become so hot I can barely keep from exploding. When I see a wooded hillside or office building all I can think about is how it would look engulfed in flame, and the raw, sexual power behind such a devastating force. If you've ever felt the same way, drop me a line! Though you may be playing with fire, I promise you won't get burned!

* Location: Denver
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests

PostingID: 904345607
Converted Homosexual Looking For Understanding Woman - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: pers-900700768@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-31, 11:23AM MDT

Hi there. I'm a formerly homosexual male who, thanks to the New Life Ministry, made the choice to live a wholesome and upstanding life in the image of God and renounce my sinful ways. Since there obviously isn't much dating potential amongst my former "friends" (mostly disgusting homos and dykes), I thought I'd try CL to see if there are any women with strong values out there.
My life as a homosexual was appalling. I had a revolving ring of boyfriends with whom I'd perform unnatural acts. I took drugs, partied all night, and had long, what I thought were satisfying, conversations about music, love, life and pop culture with my so-called "friends".
While I felt supported and accepted by these "friends", I know now that they had ensnared me when I was an impressionable teenager in their web of decadence and sin - all part of the homosexual agenda. I was so brainwashed that when an unmarked van carrying two former
private security consultants hired by my parents pulled up in front of me, blindfolded me, and drove me to the New Life Ministry, I resisted. Thankfully, three weeks of sleep-deprivation and "vitamin shots" convinced me to cast off Satan, and to forever forgo the firm, high, salty buttocks of a beautiful young fireman in favor for a woman's lady parts. To test my commitment, they even put me in a room with a deprogrammed lesbian and had us experience wholesome heterosexual sex. Our conversion made us so happy, we sobbed uncontrollably for three
I am looking for a special kind of woman who would one day want to have a normal family, normal house, and normal life that's completely normal. I like women who are around six feet tall, broad shoulders, large hands, and deep voices. Beyond that, I'm not very concerned about looks. You can even have lots and lots of body hair and that wouldn't turn me off. Anyways, if you're out there, get back to me. Good luck, and God Bless you, bless our Lord Jesus Christ, and bless those poor ignorant sodomites who don't know how miserable they really are.

* Location: Denver
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests

PostingID: 900700768

Girl, You My Every Fantasy

Hello ladies. I know you're out there, thinking about me, and I wanted you to know I've been thinking about you. How you livin'? You lost that zero, and want to finally get with the hero?
This is what will happen, should you choose to give into the fireyou have burning for me. I will take you to the finest of finest Italian bistros, serving only the finest foods from wherever Italian food is from. I will order you the stuffed chicken masala, or maybe the unlimited soup and salad. I will ask for extra bread at the end even though we're full, because girl, this is a man who knows how to manage his money. Then I will take you on a moonlight walk through the most sensual and romantic places in East Denver. We will go back to my place where I will feed you only the most gourmet chocolates from Hershey, Pennsylvania, and rub yo feet with the most rare and
fragrant oils imported from Pier 1. While I do this I will whisper in your ear how much you mean to me, and how much them shoes you wearing make we want to freak you. After that, I will put on R. Kelly's smoothest grooves, who will explain to you in song what I feel for you in my heart. I will lift you off your feet and carry you to my bed, and you'll see in my eyes that my passion for you is like the passion of an animal, like some kind of really big dog or something. Or like one of them weird cat-things they gots in Africa. Four minutes of the best sexin' you ever had later, I will profess my love for you, and unwind from this marathon freaking with a couple minty drags
from my fine imported Kool cigarettes. Then you will probably have to go to the bathroom to clean up, because I don't use rubbers - you see, I need to be as close to you as I can, girl, and
besides those things are for pussies. Mmmmm. yeah.
Human Male Seeking Human Female (Regional State Entity, Earth)
Reply to: pers-899186798@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-30, 8:38AM MDT

Hello, females. I am a human male seeking a female interested in human activities. I conform to all standards of success and attractiveness as dictated by your cultural mores. Any female who responds needs a desire to have children who can breathe comfortably in Earth's atmosphere, somewhere around five to six million. I am a dedicated father and would raise our swarm to be great conquerers. For your cooperation, you would be spared enslavement and given a minor position in the colonial occupation council. It would be wise to consider this offer, because whether or not you accept it your, I mean our, race is doomed.

Your future overlord,
Hugh Mann

* Location: Regional State Entity, Earth
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests

PostingID: 899186798

Yet Another Response

** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

You should really have some type of standards. Atleast personality standards.

this message was remailed to you via: pers-898358050@craigslist.org
Reply to all

Colin Heintze

to Brenda
show details Oct 30 (8 days ago)

On Wed, Oct 29, 2008 at 10:35 PM, Brenda XXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXX@hotmail.com> wrote:
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

> You should really have some type of standards. At least personality standards.

I do have one standard: the woman absolutely, positively, cannot be Hungarian. Those damn Roma-harboring Magyars have been a blight on our species for too long!

This girl was really nice. She responded again, saying I was soooooo funny, and sent me a cleverly framed picture of herself with her head poking out of a bean-bag chair. Then I realized she was the bean-bag chair. I'm talking Elvis, 1977. The only minor consolation was that the image didn't include her legs, which I assume are two stubs taken by type two diabetes. Of course, I still masturbated to the picture - I'm not a queer or anything.
'll Take Anything - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: pers-898358050@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-29, 2:13PM MDT

I haven't talked to a woman, let alone touched one, for almost a year now. I'm desperate and will take anything. Unsightly body hair? Unlikely I will care! Morbidly obese? More to love! Just need a green card? Estoy tus hombre! White supremacist? Ein Juden vermussen aus rotten! Overbearing and controlling? If I don't like it, I can change! Tay-Sachs disease? Mazal tov! Drug addict? I'll enable your habit! Religious fundamentalist? I'll help you hit the abortion clinic right after the gay bar! HIV positive? We'll just cuddle! Get back to me if you are interested. I'm so very very lonely.
Seeking a Woman of the Same Faith (Denver, R'lyeh )
Reply to: pers-897287913@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-28, 4:12PM MDT

Hello, and a marvelous afternoon to you. I am looking for a woman who shares my religious beliefs. I am a former associate professor of folklore from Miskatonic University in Arkham, RI who has had to relocate for business reasons. Being so far removed from the sea, where the children of the Great Dreamer hold their spiraling, dervish revels, I am finding it difficult to remain involved with my faith. I need a woman of the same beliefs, well-versed in the mouldy pages of the Encyclopedium Infernum and the blasphemous, forbidden works of Abdul Alhazred to perform with me the rites and ecstasies of our ancient antediluviun ceremonies. If you have to ask, then you're not right for me, and may the star-spawned, creeping horrors of R'lyeh grasp you in their pulpy, squamous feelers and drag you howling into abysses of eldritch grotesqueries beyond the ken of man!

* Location: Denver, R'lyeh
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other
commercial interests


On Tue, Oct 28, 2008 at 1:40 PM, Pierced Kitty
<XXXXXXXX@yahoo.comed.k> wrote:
> ** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
> ** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
> ** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html
> Hi, I read your ad at Craigslist. I am a full time student. I am studying social work. I work as an intern at Disability Center for Independent Living. I enjoy going to wacky festivals, museums, live music, hiking, jogging, swimming, plays, potlucks, restaurants, and movies.
> Call me XXX-9782. I hope to hear from you soon.

You remind me of a dame I used to know, a real class broad used to dance over at Maxim's. Good kid, but got mixed up with the wrong kind of people, ended up taking a dime rap for her pimp boyfriend down in Canyon City. Nice red cheeks, legs like a stork when she wore heels, a little follow-me walk like a diamond-decked call girl who knew her way around a penthouse
apartment. Any connection? Could she be behind everything? Last I heard she got out on good behavior, stuck her thumb up, and pulled a Lindberg Baby. Hasn't been seen since, though what with all the advances in plastic surgery these days, who knows?

The Dame With The Satyr's Smile

You: The tall redhead with legs up to your earrings and a wiggle
like a python no one told couldn't walk upright.
Me: Sitting behind my desk, nursing a hangover, just a broken-down
ex-con with no business in this business. I've been looking for you ever since that day you came into my office and put that envelope on my desk. I've got a lot to tell you, mainly that the whole Greek angle sits about as well as a frog on a tissue paper lily-pad. I've got a knot a my head the size of a gorilla's fist from when those boys your old flame sent after me gave my a little mahogany shampoo. I've got a stiff in the trunk and all Hell knows what he's got to do with all this. Are they planting the evidence on me, hoping one more screw-up in a lifetime of screw-ups will finally send me up for good? All I can say is that dead men are heavier than broken hearts, and with all the bodies from this case I'm feeling about two tons shy of a battleship. Or was this the angle all along? Shake your cans all sweet-potatoes until I'm all turned around, can't see the set-up, can't see that it was your hand that came out of the car window that night holding the revolver?

Oh Joy, Responses from a Robotic Spamming Service!

On Thu, Oct 23, 2008 at 3:10 PM, celene vanna
XXXXXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com> wrote:
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

Whassup? My names celene, I just found your post on CL right now. To let you
know about me, I?ve been 28 for a month now, and i bought my house in
january. It's been difficult to find a man ever since lol!. A friend of mine
met a boyfriend on craigslist, so I thought i'd try here. If you want to get
to know me some more, please send me a response. Have a nice day
this message was remailed to you via: pers-890705637@craigslist.org

Celene, please, there is no time! I have scanned the data-sphere and you are not the woman I seek. Do you know the location and identity of the person whose blood holds the key to the survival of humanity? Are you an agent of the AI's, here to entrap me? Speak woman! What's that? Just a noise. No reason to imagine cold metal claws slowly drawing up behind me, ready to rend my soft human parts. My god... they're here. These primitive weapons can't hold them off for long. Tell the world, Celine! Record this conversation, so that I may view it during my briefing in the far future. Zap! Zip! Fwoooooom!

On Thu, Oct 23, 2008 at 5:48 PM, celene vanna
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com> wrote:
How are you, Colin? you have some freetime? I just logged into my cam page,
if you want to party a little bit. Hit me back, ill check my email again in
a few minutes

Haven't you been listening, harlot? I don't have any free time, for every moment I spend here is tempting the laws of causality themselves! Why would I divert precious moments from my mission to see your withered, odorous parts, reminiscent of the dripping maw of the dreaded space-shoth, when I can return to my own time and the pleasure domes of Kal-Kalai?

Time is Short, I Need Your Genes! - 98 (New Denver Hive)
Reply to: pers-890705637@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-23, 1:28PM MDT

There isn't much time, I must find you. Already the chronos-tides are
pulling at my every molecule, trying to correct the horrible paradox I
represent merely by being here. All I have of you is a grainy image
from the archaic techno-digital format known as "jpeg", and the initials "J.M". You are more important than you can ever know.
We knew the AI's were up to something. We knew they no longer needed
us . We never could have dreamed that they would introduce the M19
virus. Somewhere in the archives our sages found you carry the gene
that will give immunity
to your descendants and, if I am successful, all of humanity.

Incoming transmission from hegemony council: Anomalies in
chronos-tides detected. AI's may be attempting insertion of enemy

If you are out there, you must come forward. I only have 22:18:03 left
in this epoch before reintegration!

Incoming transmission from hegemony council: AI Agents detected in
vicinity of Old New Denver, 900 BA epoch. Agents likely posing as law
enforcement officials. Terminate with extreme prejudice any persons
displaying suspicious behavior.

They are coming! They are coming! Contact me soon. You

Incoming transmission from hegemony council: Mission compromised.
Proceed to time-station and sub-mission, assassination of Adolph



Seeking a Brunhilde to my Siegfried - 89 (Denver, South America)

Reply to: pers-887917681@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-21, 12:41PM MDT

Hello, my name is Joe Everyman from Americatown, OH, and I'm seeking a WHITE woman for companionship. Because of my advanced age, I don't have a lot of time for courtship, thus any prospective WHITE date should be a little "easy" - not as easy as seizing Krakow, obtaining an Argentinian passport, or covering a thick German accent - but fast moving nonetheless. If you're interested , let me know soon. I have to move around a lot (pretty much every time I realize a man in dark glasses speaking Hebrew is following me), so get back to me post-haste!

  • Location: Denver, South America
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 887917681

Sailor Just Back From a Life at Sea - 28 (Denver, the Sea)

Reply to: pers-880310211@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-15, 12:57PM MDT

Good day, ladies. Allow me to Introduce myself: my name is Aldous Quincannon. I've been at sea now for several years, having been just discharged from the merchant marines. Because of my predicament, I have not been able to be intimate with a woman for some time. The sundry whores and painted-girls of oriental ports gave me no pleasure, their affections as hollow as their affected, tittering geisha laughs. Nor have I ever wished to go Greek, as many of my shipmates did during long stretches at sea.
Like many people, I gave my life to Neptune when things were not working well for me. My father died in a coal-slurry flood near Yorkshire, and I was unable to wrest restitution from the robber-barons of the coal concern. The legal fees drained away my meager savings, leaving me destitute and homeless. A month later, I was nicked for thievery, pickpocketing, and distribution of pamphlets containing caricatures lampooning the queen. The magistrate fined me thirty crowns, a sum I could not ever hope to pay. Facing debtor's prison, I hastily decided to join the merchant marines and escape my troubles by running towards the bosomy embrace of the sea.
I managed, over the first few years, to work my way up from lowly cabin-boy to second mate. It was not difficult, as the life is fraught with peril and much of my competition was removed by the capricious whims of the ocean. I have seen with my own eyes countless first and second mates thrown into the foam by violent pitching of the ship in stormy seas. One I have seen decapitated by a loose rigging. Two of my captains have perished, one having evacuated his bowels to the point of death from typhus, and the other slain in a mutiny. The latter of these two finally spurred me to quit the sailor's life. He was a kingly man, the only captain that ever treated me with fraternal respect. As he was tied to the ship's mast, awaiting his fate at the hands of the reprobate Swedes and Corsicans who had so ungratefully revolted against his authority, I threw myself on his breast and begged his captors for mercy. They did not listen, and for my lack of support for the mutiny I was lashed twenty-five times, with talk of keelhauling thrown in for good measure. Eventually, I was thrown in the brig where, for months, I became nothing more than a caged animal. Only intervention from a Malay slaver regained my liberty, thoughat the horrible cost of being shanghaied into his service.
I have recently moved to Denver to be as far away as I can from that cruel bitch, the sea. Her siren song still haunts me. At night I jolt awake, having dreamed of the northern lights dancing across the sky in wavering arcs like the reveling children of Eros. Still I remember the mythical Kraken, how it passed neath' the ship as a shadow impossibly large; how it brought a tear to my eye before one of its squamous tentacles grabbed a man from the deck and dragged him screaming into the abyss. Yes, she calls to me... but I must resist. She who spawned Scylla, Charybdis, the Kyklops, the sea, the sea, the womb of monsters! Why does my heart long for you, even as you batter me with waves, freeze me with howling squalls, and roast me with furious cyclopean suns? Why must my pains of missing you be like those of the opium-eater gone weeks without chasing the dragon? You cruel bitch!

Looking For my Down-to-Earth Goddess

Black, white, or yellow,
Let's all get together
Through the stormy weather
Because before there can a rainbow
There's a storm

That's a line from my band's (the Bouncing Bear Mountain Experience) new record. I wrote that song, and I think it says a lot about me. I'm looking for a earthy goddess who can really dig a smooth, crunchy groove. Looks and age are not important - it's what's on the inside that counts, and on the inside everyone can be a funky Buddha - it's just a matter of deprogramming our gender/race/creed hate brainwashing and realizing we're all part of the same big cosmic orchestra! I live in the mountains with other members of the band (about forty in all), so you would have to bring your own transportation. We raise our own goats, corn, and vegetables
up there, so don't worry, food won't be an issue - besides, Bear and Feather are two great vegan chefs. Hope to hear from you soon!

I had one woman respond to this. Every day. Twice a day. For three weeks. She even started sending responses from different email accounts to try and throw off my spam filter. I wish I had saved them, but seeing them in my inbox overwhelmed me with a sense of horror, so I deleted them. Right now she has undoubtedly moved on to stalking the members of Widespread Panic, much to my gmail account's relief.

Marine with PTSD - 24 (Denver, Iraq)

Reply to: pers-872513491@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-09, 10:44AM MDT

I'm a Marine with 19 confirmed kills (13 of them for sure combatants) and, as my title suggests, I am suffering from PTSD. My therapist suggested, and I agree, that a girlfriend might help me with some of my problems.
I am currently medicated and learning to walk again after an amputation. I don't work (I'm on disability) or drive (can't on the medication) but those are things I hope to change soon.
Living with PTSD is hard. I wake up screaming, not knowing why. Little things frighten me. When it rains, you might find it pleasant. For me, I remember being on patrol in Baghdad when I felt a nice cool rain - not realizing for several seconds that I was actually being showered with blood and viscera from a truck bomb that exploded two miles away. You might like fireworks. When I hear them, I'm reminded of the time a suicide bomber walked into a mosque and detonated the device under his jacket. I can't forget the sobs of that rag-head mother searching through the bodies of mangled children trying to figure out which one was her son no matter how much I punch myself in the back of the head. I drink. I get in fights and always feel bad about it afterwards, but I can't apologize because the other guy is usually in the hospital. Sometimes I zone out for hours, and when I come to there are tears on my face. I miss the Corps. I spent 12hours a day there in a sniper's nest on a pylon of the Euphrates River bridge, terminating whatever dumb camel-jockey crossed the line after curfew. I saved all the slugs I got a kill-shot with, and have made a necklace from them if you don't believe me.
Any girls out there up for a challenge?

Location: Denver, Iraq
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 872513491

Christ. I got about fifteen responses to this, which common decency will not allow me to share. Let's just say being a racist psychopath capable of hair-trigger violence is a big turn on to a lot of women though, for some reason, an encyclopedic knowledge of the Similrillion is not. Go figure.


----- Original Message -----
From: trescha gwennyth XXXXXXXXXX@gmail.com>
Date: Wednesday, October 8, 2008 2:43 pm
Subject: Need a Female Companion for World Travel - 28 (Denver) d
To: pers-871298429@craigslist.org

** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

How you doing? My name's trescha, I luckily stumbled across your
post right now. For some info about me, I?m 26 and a few weeks now, and i just
movedhere six months ago. It's very hard to find a loyal man now a
days. So i thought i'd try craigslist. If you are interested in getting to
know me... shoot me an email. Have a good day

Good afternoon Trescha. I hope the day finds you well.
I would like to know more about you, yes, though there are a few caveats before
we can consummate this encounter.
First, you must consent to a brief search by my man Mandalay. I was against this notion of his but he insisted, rightly explaining that my half-brother Cecil may send assassins after me disguised as beguiling young women met on the internet. Who knows, concealed under your fine muslins or nestled in your ample bosoms, what weapons you may have hidden in ambush.
Second, I must insist upon a sample of your DNA. Years of pure Old New England breeding have left my family gene pool...how should I put this...shallow. There is not one of my living relatives, for example, that does not suffer from gout, albinism, or hemophilia. Luckily, my mother was of Mediterranean origin, so I do not suffer from any of these maladies, though like a curse I still possess the recessive genes that may, if combined with those of another carrier, lead to idiocy and mongolism in our potential offspring.
That aside, tell me about yourself. Were you a graduate of Yale, or just Princeton? How many companies have you owned? How many men have you slain in mortal combat in the wet, turgid night neath' the gibbous Port-Au-Prince moon? What celebrities have you been romantically linked to? I look forward to your response.

Need a Female Companion for World Travel - 28 (Denver)

Reply to: pers-871298429@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-10-08, 1:19PM MDT

Hello ladies. My name is Anton Kimble Blackwater, and I am in need of a companion.
Though I have accomplished much in my life, and have trials still yet to overcome, I have become acutely aware in the late hours of the night of a challenge I have not yet confronted, namely the matter of my legacy. Thus, I am seeking a female companion to accompany me on my sojourns throughout the world.
But first, about me:
I was born to a wealthy American rubber magnate of the Old New England stock and a Spanish wet nurse, twenty-eight years ago in the little Iberian village of Sacanza. Oh, to see my father talk of my mother, how his cheeks flushed and his eyes alighted with adoration in recalling their star-crossed romance... but that is a story for another time. Alas, she did not survive my birth, though her spirit accompanies me always.
Childhood was a halcyon time. Summers I spent riding horses in the Andalusian hills. I wintered with my tutor, the wise and venerable savant known only as Hanno from the gnostic college of Alexandria, in the dune-swept expenses of Tunisia, following caravan trails of Berber merchants and Ba'hai mystics. My father could not bear to leave Spain and the place of my mother's burial, so I would not see the land of my ancestors - America - well into my adult life.
At age nine tragedy struck. My father, while ballooning to Zurich, was killed in a fall resulting from an accident of suspicious origins. My father, you see, had sired another child with a West Indian Mulatto during his idle years as a poet in the Americas. This hellish woman had tried everything in her power to obtain his seed and thus produce a son who would one day inherit his fortune, and when seduction and blackmail proved ineffective, she had my father
ingeniously drugged. She had her way with him, and in nine months my half-brother Cecil was born. Under his mother's tutelage, and exposed at a young age to the anathema rites of the voodoo churches, my half-brother grew to be a wicked man. Even at so young an age, I suspected he had a hand in my father's baffling death.
My suspicions proved warranted when, in a series of devastating maneuvers, many of my father's assets were suddenly seized. That which Cecil could not claim legally he took by force, using bands of mercenaries comprised of such low-blooded, half-caste mongrels as former members of the Kenyan Mau Mau, the Tamil Tigers, and various Creole street gangs. Fearing for my life, my father's most loyal servants smuggled me through Cecil's dragnet. I was given to a kindly Basque family, where I was raised as a peasant to hide my true identity from my half-brother's murderous intentions.
At sixteen, nostalgic for my old North African haunts, I joined the French Foreign Legion. If I may re-purpose a phrase once stated about the Royal Navy, the legion was little more than wine, sodomy, and the lash. After many adventures, and many friendships made and lost, I was discharged and left to make my own way in this world, my Basque parents having been killed in one of the bombings typical to that region. Luckily, I had Hanno's wisdom and my hereditary aspects about me, and within a few years I ran a successful charity, a multi-national company, had written two novels, and had triumphantly quested for relics of arcane lore, the values of which are beyond estimation.
I am seeking a woman of similar interests - travel, adventure, and the mysteries of antiquity. If we should happen to meet on a "date" please understand there will be a third party, my man Mandalay. I found him begging on the streets of Mumbai, hawking nubile slum-girls to decadent tourists for a guinea a piece. Being five years his senior, I adopted him and raised him in the tradition of the Gurkha mystics. He will not leave my side, even for such an intimate occasion as a "date" - something that, while overbearing, has saved my life many times over. I think you will find Mandalay to be a severe but mirthful man - he tells an Assam parable about a monkey, a tiger, and a fig tree that leaves me in stitches every time I hear it. Any woman responding to this post should be a wealthy heiress of verifiable Anglo-Saxon ancestry, skilled in the martial arts, the occult, cryptoarcheology, and international finance. Tactical expertise in helping me reclaim my birthright from half-brother Cecil a plus! Please, no fatties.

  • Location: Denver
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 871298429