Wednesday, December 31, 2008

RE: Looking for the Right One

Looking for the Right One - 26 (Aurora)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-31, 12:11PM MST


Let’s see….I’m 26, a manager for a prepaid card company, own my own place, have two dogs and a great family. I’m not really sure what I’m looking for right now – what I do know is I’m tired of bullshit and just want to meet somebody that is HONEST for once. I have also been learning that I am not nearly picky enough and end up meeting and dating guys that I will never have a future with, so at the risk of sounding like a bitch or hurting feelings, these are my must haves:

I know times are tough. I’ve hired a lot of people that were laid off due to the economy and I don’t blame people for misfortune. However – I have dated enough people that don’t have jobs and I end up taking care of them. I don’t care at all what you do or the kind of money you make – I make enough and don’t need anybody to take care of me. But you must do something.

I don’t care if you have a place with roommates, just please not mom and dad. Again, I understand that times are hard – but right now I would prefer somebody that didn’t live with their parents.

I’m not ashamed to say that I have an IQ of nearly genius level and I have seen and been through enough in my life to hold the real world experience as well. I would like to have actual, meaningful conversations with people – to every once in a while talk about something other than the latest episode of Family Guy (which I like by the way). Please have something to say.

Look – I’m no model. I understand and accept that. But if the physical attraction isn’t there, then we would make great friends but probably nothing more. When you send a picture, send one where I can actually see you – nothing is worse than sending some picture with a hat pulled down over your face and when we meet you look nothing like what you have represented yourself to be.

Please don’t be a “macho” guy – I work a lot of hours so don’t take it personal if I can’t be at your beck and call, I study warfare and probably know just as much or more about sports as you do. I make great money and I am not ever planning on being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen or a stay at home mom. So if any of those things bother you, move on.

I think that’s just about it for right now. I might have just ruled out 98% of Craigslist, but at this point I’m not looking for 500 responses – just the right one. Oh, and if you don’t send a picture, I won’t respond. I put mine up…please do the same.

My Dear, You have Found the Right Man
Colin Heintze to pers-975696182
show details 1:54 PM (1 minute ago) Reply

Salutations, young lady! I saw your posting and, since you seem to be a woman of breeding and refinement, I would like to extend my warmest greetings to you.

You are are looking for a lover, one who is not beneath you - I can relate, for I am seeking the same thing in a young woman or pubescent boy myself. Allow me to introduce myself: I am Anton Kimble Blackwater, heir apparent to the Blackwater Steel, Arms, and Charitable Trusts foundation. As the progeny of an American business magnate and Spanish wet-nurse, I believe I possess the qualities of the superior male specimen you so fervently seek.

I am an educated man, having attained many degrees from the finest Ivy League Institutions, as well as private lessons from such titans of philosophy and mysticism as Hanno of Alexandria and Parsevus the Sophist. Physically, I am tall and well-made, the product not only of my rigorous practice of Gurkha exercise rituals, but the fine New England blood that courses through my veins as well. As for my vocation, it is a slippery and esoteric thing to define. Should I call myself a crypto-archaeologist and tomb-hunter? Perhaps I should focus more on the works of literature that have earned me international acclaim? Or, would it be better if I described my profession as CEO of the largest development firm for energy-based weapons? None of those things I would describe as a "job", for it seems like little work at all to do the things one loves.

You require a man who owns his own property? The manor at which I reside, a grand old place that has been in the Blackwater family since the time of the Pilgrims, has over 400 rooms, two swimming pools, a hedgemaze, underground archives, and secret escape tunnels should half-brother Cecil ever attempt to launch another offensive against my claim to our father's fortune. I find it beguiling that you mentioned your love of warfare and sports, for you see there is another feature of my manor which speaks volumes for my love of both: my human chess board. Oh, how many spring afternoons I have spent, with the Prince of Luxemborg and Finance Minister of Singapore at my sides, watching such elegant brutality unfold. The queens were difficult to find, for they should be much more powerful than the derelicts and tramps to whom I give a hot meal to serve as fodder for my games. Luckily, manservant Mandalay reminded me of a curious offshoot of the Ibo Tribe I met during my travels in West Africa. In this strange culture, the woman are warriors and the men as meek as whelping kittens. So, my search for vicious women over, I found my queens and let the games commence. They have been a boon to the Blackwater estate, for besides their function as warriors of the utmost savagery, they make excellent harem guards - though these women have a long reputation for lesbianism, I found through my ethnographic studies that the rumors are largely exaggerated. The warrior women, as it were, often perform simulated rape on the women of conquered villages as a symbolic show of dominance and defilement of a vanquished foe. Besides, my warrior women have all, keeping with their custom, been circumcised at the age of fifteen, so thus far the sundry beauties of my harem have been left untouched by their keepers' Sapphoric dispositions.

All I ask of you is that you submit a sample of your DNA before I can begin siring children with you: generations of breeding among only the purest stock of New England gentry has left members of my family prone to develop hemophilia, albinism, gout, and mongolism. Hopefully, you do not possess any of the recessive genes for these conditions, and may one day soon accompany me on my adventures throughout the world. Until then, look forward to walking the many gilded corridors of my manor (watch out for the ghost of great-uncle Ulysses, though: he's been rattling the sabre since we converted his room into servant's quarters), indulging in the culinary delights of my many kitchens, and reveling with the harem girls whose skill in the Tantric arts, let me assure you, are legion.

Yours Truly,
Anton Kimble Blackwater

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Seekins Ze Girl Vith No Morality

Seekins Ze Girl Vith No Morality - 25 (Denver, Berlin)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-30, 3:19PM MST

Gutten tag! Mine name est Otto von Metzbalger and I am ze president of ze Berlin Society for Rational Egoism. Ve are seeking ze women to accompany us next year to our latest excursion into madness and solipsistic debauchery.
Around zis time next year ve shall be making ze trek through ze Jungle of Sous America, following along ze stygian tangles of ze Rio Orinoco. Did you know zat fifty percent of ze world's species live in zat hellish green inferno? Zat is the purpose of our mission: if ze jungle is ze womb of ze vorld, ve vish to defile zat womb in a symbolic rape of ze great chaos, muzzer nature. Zat ve should impose our vill upon ze vun ting greater zan man and his petty verks, vhile simultaneously devolving into creatures unhibited by ze hypocritical protocols of society ez our ultimate goal.
Ve are looking for a girl or girls who vill not be encumbered by ze slave moralities of civilized existence. Ze type of girl who, ven ve have succumbed to madness and paranoia and are putting our comrades to deass in rigged kangaroo trials, trusts out an accussing finger to ze chants of "guily! gulity! guilty!" Ze type of girl who vill laugh as ve ravish ze villages of indians as ez ze right of ze strong to do unto ze veek. A girl who, as our numbers dwindle from starvation and dizeaz, vill vear ze head of ze tapir she hast slaughtered, loose all pretenses of humanity, and hunt her former comrades like ze common beasts. Are you zis girl? If so, zen I am vanting to drink your pee in parody of slave-society's pitiful delusion called love.

Location: Denver, Berlin
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 974805519

Monday, December 22, 2008

A Shit-Ton of Replies From Guys Desperate Enough to Fuck a Panda to pers-967239883

Hi, you are very creative. I would love to practice sex with you for having a few PANDAs. Would we have to do it the trees as that's where I see most pandas? I think I may to house train you will come with behind a Your big Panda bear, Pat in Brightonbush to shit. Now eating I'm very good at. Send me some pics so I see if I can help you

XXXXXXXXXXXX to pers-967239883

I am 6’ tall, weigh 170 lbs., have brown hair, blue eyes and love to go multiple rounds. I have about 9” to work with and want to find someone who can handle it all. I love foreplay and enjoy dining at the “Y”. Let me know if you are up for the challenge.

XXXXXXXXXX to pers-967239883

I am a single, white, mature male (45), college educated, working professional, live alone (can host).

Will treat you like a lady in and out of the bedroom. Skilled in the tantric arts, very oral, extremely long lasting, clean, disease free, and safe (vasectomy). I am also nicely endowed, love to use fingers to rub a g-spot for that explosive orgasm.

I love to focus on making you feel incredible, make you cum as many times as you can handle, maybe more.

I am gentle, caring, passionate, playful with a great sense of humor.

Panda Lover

Colin Heintze to pete, XXXXXXXX, XXXXXXX
show details 3:45 PM Reply

Wow, who would have thought I'd get so many responses! Let me tell you a little something about myself:
I'm roughly 6' when standing, weigh around 400 lbs and am covered in a velvety piebald pattern of black and white fur. I enjoy dining on bamboo, sleeping, and appearing as a dancing cartoon character on the backpacks of twelve-year-old Japanese girls. I'm so glad you guys are willing to mate, since I can't get it from males of my own species. To the one of you (you know who you are) who sent me a picture of your erect phallus... thank you. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've seen one of those, certainly not from so-called "male" pandas who don't seem to give two shits about bringing our species back from the brink of total extinction. Whoever I choose, I'm sure the hideous unnatural abomination you sire from me will bear (get it, "bear'!) enough of my genetic material to make this whole experience worth it... though I'm still going to have to be very, very drunk. Here are some pics of me!

Where's My Mate, Dammit!

Dammit, Where's My Mate! - 25

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-22, 12:46PM MST

Hi, Liu Xieng here, better known as the San Diego Zoo's iconic giant panda. I'm turning to craigslist out of sheer desperation. Are there any male pandas out there willing to mate? Anyone want to impregnate me to ensure the survival of our species?
Wait, there's a male over there! Hello? Hello? Over here! I'm in heat! Where are you going? Can't you smell the pheromones wafting off my genitals? No, don't amble into that cluster of bamboo trees...
Asshole. Christ I wish I wasn't born a Panda. If I was a rabbit I'd have a whole mess of kids right now, so many I'd get to choose which ones I nursed and which ones I let die fighting for a spot at my milk-laden teats. But nooooo, I had to be a panda, nature's Peg Bundy. My mother is always telling me "Xieng, don't act so uppity - men are intimidated by smart women" and "Xieng, would it kill you to drop a few pounds?" and "Xieng, you need to lower your standards". All this from a woman who rejected me for the first three months after my birth. That's right mom, I know, it was the zookeepers that bottle-fed me, you bitch. And she wonders why I drink.
Hell, I'd even be willing to mate with a human, since apparently the average human pervert is more attracted to panda sows than the average male panda is. And before you all start throwing up your hands and saying "oh no, what kind of horrible super-soldier would this panda-human hybrid make?!" remember what the average panda does on a daily basis: 1) eats. 2) shits. So, if eating and shitting are among your desired traits in a cross-bred super-soldier, then by all means buy me a bottle of wine and put your seed in me, goddammit. Christ. We deserve to go extinct.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 967239883

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I'll Settle For Significantly Less Than 72 Virgins

I'll Settle For Significantly Less Than 72 Virgins - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-22, 12:05AM MST

Okay. Here's the deal. Lately I'm starting to question this whole "mujahideen" thing. Unfortunately, it isn't the sort of thing I can just walk away from, you know? It's not like I can say "Sorry Osama, but things aren't working out for me, so I'm going to need you to cash in all my vacation time and cut me a check. Can I still use you as a reference?" And though I may have become a little disillusioned with the whole "waging holy jihad in defense of sacred sharia law" stuff, I just can't imagine losing out on those 72 virgins, especially when I've already put so much work into it. Hell, I don't even hate the Jews. I saw a production of Fiddler the other day and nearly blew up (no pun intended) with applause at the end of the second act. I also met Mel Brooks once at a coffee shop. He's a really sweet old guy.
Sure, when I flew into New York (again, no pun intended, ha ha) eight years ago posing as a Lebanese exchange student, I couldn't think of anything but what the recruiters had promised me when I signed up as an impressionable fifteen year-old living in occupied Palestine. "Fight the great American Satan AND take down the illegitimate Zionist Occupation Government? AND I get virgins thrown in the deal? Sign me up!" But now... I don't know.
So, here's the deal. I will stop everything if I can just get my virgins now. It's a win-win: I get my virgins, and you don't get blown up. Deal, right? I would even settle for less virgins, 40 or so, or around 25 if they're really pretty and unquestioningly obedient to my every command.

* Location: Denver
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 966674185

Reply: Seeking That Perfect combination of Beautiful, Brilliant, and Deadly

to pers-951931292

Your hilarious! Your posting amused me. Does Manticore provide health insurance? - B.

Colin Heintze to Becca

MANTICORE provides comprehensive health, dental, and vision insurance for all our employees. Supplemental insurance plans may be purchased at discounted rates to cover injuries resulting from madness gas, Tesla-rays, or hunter-killer droid malfunction. EXCEPTION CLAUSE: employees who mutate into another lifeform due to exposure to gamma radiation or solar disruptors must purchase their own individual policies from their preferred insurance provider. Shoot an Email to Judy in HR if you have any questions or wish to file a claim.

MANTICORE also provides life insurance policies to all its regular staff. The employee may choose up to three beneficiaries among their loved ones/sensei/master of the mystic arts/henchman/controlling entity. Though MANTICORE's life insurance is not mandatory, we highly recommend you buy into the policy as the vast majority of our team members see near-immediate returns on their investment. Your cost will be about fifteen dollars per paycheck.

MANTICORE also provides a 401K retirement package managed by the investment firm ING. Though we do not like to fill the coffers of rival nefarious organizations bent on world domination, the people at ING really know how to put together a 30-year investment portfolio. Honestly, you probably won't have much need for this.

Congratulations to Judy from HR for placing 3rd in the state Boggle Championship! On a sadder note, we extend our deepest sympathies for the passing of henchmen #45, 66, 72, 23, 108, 119, 56, 221, 194, 18, 88, and 147. If anyone wishes to use a little PTO to attend their memorial services, you may find them being buried at sea, cremated in lava, or jettisoned into space depending on the place and manner of their demise.

Anyone Up For a Double Date?

Anyone Up For a Double Date? (Denver)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-21, 12:52PM MST

A good evening, this is George.

And Martha.

Um, Yes, and we were wondering if there are any couples out there who might wish to go out on a double date. Martha here insists that our marriage here needs some spice to it. Apparently after twenty years of blessed matrimony she finds the taste of gin and vinegar unsatisfying.

We could talk about unsatisfying, George. I haven't been satisfied in years!

You must excuse me. Martha couldn't make it and sent a hyena in her place.

You son of a bitch. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Yes, that's the sound they make.

Let me tell you all something about Georgie-boy here. Georgie hasn't touched me in years. Just this morning I went to give him a kiss and he pushed me on the floor.

Martha, darling, I was simply afraid that if you placed those gin-soaked lips on me I should become overwhelmed with passion and be compelled to take you by force right then and there.

I swear to God, if you even existed I would divorce you. I gave everything to you, do you know that you big flop? I even stayed in shape, stayed -


-Thin you bastard, thin!

It's true, you know, Martha is a slim 108 - years old, that is. She weighs quite a bit more than that.

Great, real great George. How about I pop you in the mouth?

I'd like to find the sailor who taught you English and shake his hand.

That's not all you'd shake, you old queer, you bookworm! You've got to make money somehow, and it's not on an associate professor's salary, not on those funny little books you write.

Shut up, Martha.

You see, Georgie-boy here wrote a book. Spent five years on it. Then he took it to the big publisher Georgie Senior and said "daddy, can you publish my book?"

Martha, shut your loathsome mouth!

And what do ya suppose daddy says? Shoots him down is what! Five years, down the drain, just like the last twenty I've spent with this son of a bitch.

You're a spoiled, self-indulgent, willful, dirty-minded, liquor-ridden…

That wasn't very nice.

And now we get to play a new game, "Martha the martyr". We've played this game before, haven't we dear?

Oh, but I'm so good at it!

Let me assure you, good people, that this a game at which Martha excels. We've seen with our own three eyes - Martha being a cyclops - how well she plays.

It's not hard, when I've got a stuffy effeminate queer for a husband.

Martha, if you do not shut that vulgar mouth I will tear you to pieces.

You don't have the guts.

No, I gave them all to you. I'm warning you, it will be total war.

Total. Come at me!

agdfhio frh fhhdfwe%^FVSOjjk*bcbcnvbvgusf1&^789b viidf /'%xxddf pg[^&!!!!

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 966140403

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

RE: Pay For Me?

Pay for me? - 21 (Lakewood)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-16, 9:23PM MST

Hey guys,

My current lease is up in February, this apartment I currently live in is the first time I've been on my own. I moved out of my moms house 1 year ago, but moved in with my sister. Not having a job when I first moved here 1 year ago led to alot of debt...slowly getting it paid off.

Just throwing this out there...Are there any guys who are willing to let me live with them RENT FREE so I can pay off my debt to my family as well as 2 credit cards. And hopefully I can buy myself my first car.

I would be willing to help pay for groceries, maybe half of the utilities, keep the place clean etc...
Who knows what else would be in the mix of this...we can have further discussion in e-mail..
E-mail me if interested. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY!

Location: Lakewood
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 960979407

colin heintze to pers-960979407

Good Afternoon, Young Lady. Anton Kimble Blackwater here, at your service and charmed to make your acquaintance.
Am I to understand that you desire a position within my household as an indentured laborer/sex slave? This is a capital suggestion, as I am at the moment in need of both. There are always legions among my prized thoroughbred stallions that need shoeing, foreign dignitaries that require receiving in my manor's many gilded antechambers, firefoxes and whooping cranes of my private menagerie that require feeding and care, and rare antiquities obtained in my many oriental adventures to catalogue in the basement archives. Mandalay's absence - think of him as a composite of manservant, bodyguard, and assassin - has hit me hard, I would venture. There are so many little things, from the way he would put a mint on my pillow every morning, to the cold efficiency in which he snaps a would-be assassin’s neck, that I have been forced to go without since his semi-annual retreat into the monasteries of frosty Nepal. Would you be able to fulfill some of these functions? Half-brother Cecil is unrelenting in his attempts to eliminate me and claim our father's fortune, and I could use the extra security. Plus, since Mandalay has left my shoes remain on my feet untied, and I cannot figure out for the life of me how these blasted laces work!
As for the lovemaking portion of your servitude, are you willing to make certain... compromises? You see, I suffer from the Blackwater curse that has stricken all males of our family - damn our blue New England blood! - since our arrival on this ghastly continent. I cannot achieve sexual stimulation without the aid of certain psychological... enhancements. Would you be willing, I dare ask, to put on black-face, an apron, and dance the negro dervish-whirl colloquially known as a "jig"? If I might suckle from your pendulous, swelled breasts and call you "mammy" I think I shall be quite satisfied, for you see I miss Mammy so. This would only be on Fridays, after I've had my weekly portion of snake-wine, which is good both for one's longevity and one's potency in matters such as these.
So, if you would be interested in a position at my manor, and between the impossibly gossamer sheets of my silken bed, then reply without delay.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Can You Be Discreet? I Can.

Can You Be Discreet? I Can. (Olympus)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-14, 3:03PM MST

Heartiest greetings, comely lasses! Allow me to tell you about myself:
I am recently retired and wanting to settle down after many years of being the boss. I also have just divorced my wife of untold years - we were never very compatible, and I lived in constant fear of her catastrophic tantrums. Here's where the need for discretion comes in: despite the fact that the divorce was finalized many years ago, she continues to obsessively spy on, watch, and attempt to humiliate me. After matrimony with such a vainglorious and jealous shrew who could blame me for my little dalliances? My wife, however, almost always found out about my indiscretions, her powers of perception being nearly as keen as my own. Of course, it did not help that I impregnated with my epic seed many of the women with whom I sought pleasurable diversion, and these women tended to bear children whose names were, by a young age, heaped upon with glory and honor. My favorite son, for example, she attempted to kill out of sheer jealousy by placing two serpents in his cradle(crazy bitch, right?). Luckily, he was a strong lad and strangled the two beasts before they could cause him any harm. Still, she managed to make his life a living hell throughout his adolescence, adulthood, and ultimately his untimely death. Another of my favorite bastard-sons she connivingly convinced his maternal grandfather to murder, a slight my brother and I did not take lightly. Let's just say Katrina had nothing on what we did - Argos won't be hosting the superbowl anytime soon, if you know what I mean.
So, with that in mind, are there any beautiful young maidens looking for a good time? You don't really have to respond - if you should happen to walk into your bedroom and see a swan, a bull, or a shower of gold sitting on your bed know that it's gonna happen, whether you want it or not.

Location: Olympus
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 957866406

Thursday, December 11, 2008

RE: Universal Man

Universal Man - 48 (Boulder)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-11, 10:03PM MST

Humane, human, humorous, hu man wanted for fun life relationship. Need an original, free thinker, selfmade, adventurous, universal, psi, deep, communicator, kind, kindred, kin. Green, sustainable, regenerous, breathing, Schauberger, Tesla, astronomy-cosmology, meaningful, "friend", visionary, founder of the future civilization (beyond entropic capitalism), new tech and eco-projects/reforest/remineralization, solar cycles, rational-spiritual-scientifical, business-romantic partner, transformation, reconstructive technologies and eco-regeneration, ORMUS, ecoarchitecture, art, visioneering, healing, sailing…

RE: Universal Man
Colin Heintze to pers-954754531

Hey, whus up? Saw your post an thought I'd give yous a shout since I don't have no one in this fuggin cow town.
I'm Mike an I'm originally from Queens (Yankees rule! Fuck the Sox!) an from what I could understand of yous post I got all dem qualities you want. Environmental n shit? Sometimes I take a dump an jus leave it der for like tree days witout flushing, sometimes do more on top of dat one till da smell get up in the vents an da cunt landlady starts bustin my balls over it. I got no car either, so I ain't polluting no air - couple months back some fuggin Ricans keyed my ride, so I took it to my cousin Pauly's body shop. Tree days later he knocks on my door an hans me dis bill for like two large. I say, "What da fugg is dis, Pauly? Yous charging me now! I taut we was fuggin family!" So that fuggin prick repoes my ride an tells me he ain't letting it off da lot till I pay him. Das funny cause everyone in da family know Pauly's a queer an he probably jus wants me to touch his sack or some shit. Adventurous? shit, once my pal Frankie dared me ta lay down on da tracks wit da metro comin. Everything's goin good when some fuggin wino sees me an thinks i need rescuing so he jumps on da tracks an tries to pull me outta da way of da train, gettin his fuggin hans an everything allover me. So i's kick him in his junk an he falls on da track an I gotta be da one touchin on him an draggin him outta day way an shit. It was fuggin disgustin, but if ya ask me I ain't no hero jus a normal guy, know what I mean? Founder of da future civilization? Shit, once da fuggin gas company cut off my heat. Dis was in like December. I was outside on da stoop havin a smoke when I saw someone tru away all dis styrofoam in da alleyway. So I take dat up to my apartment an burn dat shit in deez little coffee pots I put truout da house. Worked like a fuggin charm, though I can't breath very good no more on cold days or if I walk too much atta time. Dat's some fuggin McGuyver shit is what dat is, jus the kind of guy you want around after da chinks nuke us. So dat's me. You got any pictures? You got big titties?

* Location: Boulder
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 954754531

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Need a Man to be Next Year's Harvest King

Need a Man to be Next Year's Harvest King - 27 (Denver)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-10, 5:32PM MST

Ciamar a tha sibh? Greetings from the Sisters of the Sacred Oak! We are seeking a man who will fill the sacred role of this year's harvest king. We're listing this now as there are several months preparation before the ceremony on August 31. During this time, we (my sisters Hecate, Serendipity, and myself) will provide for you the standard treatment extended towards the sacred harvest king, including free housing, food of your choosing, and any sexual/intimate experiences you should wish of us, provided you have the understanding that children are expected of this union. A child by the harvest king is blessed, and my sisters and I will shoulder the responsibility of raising her since you obviously won't be around to pitch in. You must also be ritually cleansed (nothing unpleasant, mostly just chanting and herbal magick) so as not to offend the gods to whom you are being offered. You should be young(ish), vital, and in excellent shape. We can't insist more emphatically about that - an inferior offering means a poor harvest, and in these troubled economic times NO ONE wants that, do they? So, if you would be interested in taking part in the sacrosanct cycle of death and rebirth with us then give us a shout! Construction has already begun on the wicker man and we just need a handsome young stud to fill it out!

Slàinte mhòr agad!
- Serendipity
- Hecate
- Diana

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 953176693

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Reply - Fit Men to Join Me on My Island

On Tue, Dec 9, 2008 at 9:13 PM, allen" wrote:

Hey bud, That's exactly what I am looking for, just divorced and lookin for a change in my life, 34 5'11' 170 athlete extra fit, thin & built, I kayak, rock climb and ski alot! I coached for years and look the type. Naturally smooth with alot on top.I live in Congress Park and yes this sounds like a blast/Yeah my 7' cock likes sex alot!HaText me, I normally I do not do this but I do have a crazy sex life to say the least! XXX-XXX-XXXX Alllen yes 620

Colin Heintze to allen:

Capital, capital! You sound quite fit and your hair, per your description, of an excellent quality for a new cardigan. Furthermore I am delighted to know that we share some common interests. I myself have coached for years, having bred the finest fighting birds in this hemisphere. My cocks are quite a bit longer than 7' - there was a time, in my folly, that I made sport of miniature cocks as you do now, and have learned, as you undoubtedly will, that they simply cannot be coached. As for my cock enjoying the act of sex, this I do not allow: it keeps him distracted from the fighting and drains the vital energies best left intact for tearing apart another bird while within a cheering ring of drunken billionaires. But, that is only my coaching decision - your techniques might be different. I would enjoy talking about this more on my private retreat, though you may want to save your strength - shortly after dinner, you'll be making use of that running, rock-climbing and skiing experience. You'll need it. All of it.

flagged & removed: 952043328 (men seeking men) Fit Men to Join Me on my Island?


REAL WOMEN ONLY!!!! PLEASE! 20-50? - 22 (DTC)

Reply to: [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 6:53PM MST

Please be real! i hat fake adds! you dont need to advertise your site to me i wont respond!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyways i am a good looking grad student in law school looking for some axtra fun! I Who would want to go out and have some fun... local bar or a movie or whatever you would like. If your SHY then open up! you only live onces! drop me a line. dont wait, dont be too lat

Colin Heintze to pers-951922564 show details 9:18 PM

Wow i saw you're post and wanted too say you that im totally real! I saw your in law school and I luv educated men. Im really educated myself im an associater professor of english at the unversity of colorado and have been published in harpers, newyorker, the atantic, n new rebuplic and any man who want too be wit me got to have a brain, no what I meen?

Fit Men to Join Me on My Island?

Fit Men to Join Me on my Island? - 35 (Denver)
Reply to: [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 8:48PM MST

Good day to you all, gentlemen. I am a man seeking a man or men who wish to join me on my private island for the weekend. Any men who are chosen for this little excursion will be handsomely compensated for their troubles. Amongst my many passions - finance, travel, and the stock-market, to name a few - the greatest, the one that consumes my every waking thought and nocturnal fancy, is hunting. I have been on safari in Africa. I have hunted the rare and majestic snow leopard in the thin, howling air of the Himalayas. My dining hall and great trophy room (with which you will soon become very acquainted with) is decorated with the spoils of these expeditions; rearing up, snarling, forever locked in their final poses from the moment they came charging from the bush into the sights of my Remington. Sadly, there are few creatures left on this earth which I have not triumphed over, even as over the years I sought to handicap my advantage by using bows, then slings, then only simple throwing-spears. I now seek deadlier game to prove my final and ultimate worth as man's greatest hunter. Any men who respond to this ad should be fit and possess a high degree of physical endurance. Men with knowledge of basic wilderness survival and former military experience will be the first considered, though a certain level of grit and determination may be substituted for prior experience. Any men who respond to this should also have excellent skin and hair free of excessive blemishes. I hope to hear from you soon.

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 952043328

Seeking that Perfect Combination of Beautiful, Brilliant, and Deadly

Seeking that Perfect Combination of Beautiful, Brilliant, and Deadly (Unknown)

Reply to: [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 7:01PM MST

Greetings, women. I am in search of a personal assistant/lover to aid me in my sundry international activities of calamitous mayhem. About me: about 5'9", 170 lbs, no hair (scalded off by a gamma radiation burst), and a long, jagged scar from my brow to chin. I'm fond of wearing turtlenecks and the comedy stylings of one Tyler Perry.
As the founder and CEO of MANTICORE I require a variety of tasks to be performed if you are to be my lover. There are always henchmen that need to be kept in line, lairs inside extinct volcanoes on remote tropical island chains that need redecorating, and the occasional assassination of foreign ambassadors culminating in the retrieval of the items in their attaché cases. If you should decide to pursue a career with MANTICORE, you should know what I'm looking for in a lover/henchwoman:
- Fashion sense: Tall and statuesque black woman? Wear leopard skins and wield a deadly staff. Lily-white with icy, blue eyes? Why not drape yourself in sable furs and carry spray-canisters of liquid nitrogen? While there is certainly no dress code at MANTICORE, professional attire is important!
- For Christ's sake, know something about lasers! You don't have to be an expert, but should at least have a basic understanding of the difference between a laser and a pulse weapon: one can shoot down satellites, plunging the world into a catastrophic communication meltdown, and one I wouldn't use to cut my lawn.
- MANTICORE is an equal opportunity organization with a special affirmative-action hiring policy for people with disabilities, especially disabilities that have been turned into deadly/sexy special skills. Blind women with a hyper-sensitive sense of hearing or amputees with weapons for legs are strongly encouraged to apply.
- Keep in mind, our relationship will NOT be mutually exclusive. You will often be required to seduce enemy agents and drop deadly scorpions on their post-coital sleeping bodies.
- You must be able to snap a man's neck between your thighs. This is non-negotiable. - You must be a fan of Tyler Perry. His bleak and pandering portrayal of family life is the type of Dadaist nihilism heralding the collapse of society, something that lies ultimately within MANTICORE's goals. Plus, you see how he be trippin' on white folk?
So, if this describes you, then look forward to a career/relationship with MANTICORE. Don't bother contacting me. If you are qualified, one of my agents will contact you.

Location: Unknown
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 951931292

Sunday, December 7, 2008

RE: Taking Applications

Colin Heintze to pers-947799232 show details 4:23 PM (0 minutes ago) Reply
Taking Applications - Serious Only - 21 (Denver (Northern))--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Reply to: [?]Date: 2008-12-06, 3:12PM MST

Hello there. I saw your "application" for a date with you and thought I would respond, while simultaneously informing you about the exciting new products from the Jolt! Energy drinks family of beverages.

Name: Jolt! Energy Drink!

Age: Going on six years now as a major provider of consumer's energy drink needs.

Age that matches my maturity level: Closer to 25; with our market-shares increasing quarterly and an excellent core business model, where other energy drink lines fizzle we're here to stay!

Last Time I went out on a date: Every night I provide the energy boost and confidence needed for any romantic rendezvous!

Last Time I went out and not on a date: Jolt! isn't just for dating! Whether you need a boost for work, hanging out with friends in a twenty-something hip urban environment, or just want to feel refreshed after an active day of mountain biking and snowboarding, great-tasting Jolt! will be there.

The best thing about me is: New formula with less caffeine gives a smoother, less jittery burst of energy.

The worst thing about me is: Many of my ingredients are pending FDA approval and may in rare instances cause headaches, insomnia, hysterical pregnancy, advanced Tay Sachs disease, or rectal malfunction.

The thing I find most attractive in a woman is: The ability to drink Jolt! without succumbing to the numerous side-effects as catalogued on the Surgeon General's webpage.

The thing you should know about me that might bother you is: I am known in the state of California to cause cancer in mice. High concentrations of the aluminum alloy used in the manufacture of my can has been known to cause outbursts of uncontrollable rage and mass murder.

My Mom hates you. I…: Introduce her to our new line of products marketed at older consumers, including new Jolt! Alpine Mist!

My friends love you and this…: Creates a spike in fourth-quarter revenues with our target youth demographic.

What do you consider an argument? When you drink Red Bull just to hurt me. Bitch, I will wreck you.

What are your goals? An increased share in the competitive energy-drink market culminating with the acquisition of several competing product lines.

Do you work? For 4-9 hours per suggested serving size, excluding for pregnant, nursing, or expectant mothers, who under no circumstances should use me.

What do you do? Give you long-lasting energy to tackle your day, all while instilling in you the hipness and sex-appeal generated by the consumption of Jolt! energy drink.

Favorite type of movie: Whatever my crack team of market researchers has shown to be popular among the18-34 active, white, urban target demographic.

Favorite type of music: Whatever my crack team of market researchers has shown to be popular among the18-34 active, white, urban target demographic.

Favorite non-alcoholic drink: Jolt! energy drink... duh.


Favorite past-time: Whatever my crack team of market researchers has shown to be popular among the18-34 active, white, urban target demographic, including snowboarding, surfing, skateboarding, "chillin", and "getting jiggy".


Location: Denver (Northern) it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 947799232

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Need a Wholesome-looking Woman

Need a Wholesome-looking Woman - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: [?]Date: 2008-12-03, 9:38AM MST

Hi there, ladies! Due to unforeseen events concerning the economy (read: I lost my job), I've had to take work that, while very high-paying, has put a considerable amount of stress on me. My new job requires a lot of travel, mostly between Cali, Columbia, Jalisco, Mexico, and Miami, Florida. What I am seeking is a girl who can possibly keep me company on these long business excursions. You should be innocent-looking, bubbly, and have all the external trappings of a naive tourist girl - the type that wouldn't draw any attention from airport security or U.S. Customs agents. If you're bilingual, that's also a plus: English and Spanish, though knowing a little bit of Russian might come in handy too. Any girl who responds to this ad should also have excellent bowel control. Strange as it sounds, I can't stress that last part enough.

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 943298645