Sunday, February 22, 2009

Young Women Needed For Slumber Party

Young Women Needed For Slumber Party - 25 (Denver)
Reply to:
Date: 2009-02-22, 8:15PM MST

Not sure I should be posting here, but the deadline is coming up and I need people fast.

So, here's the deal: two months ago, my enigmatic uncle died under mysterious circumstances. I never knew my uncle well - my father, for reasons unknown, always kept me away from him, and had instructed me since childhood to shun his company. So, I was surprised when three weeks ago I got a call from my late uncle's attorney informing me that I stood to inherit all of his vast wealth, provided myself and three women spent one night alone in his abandoned mansion in the swamp. This is where you come in - my uncle was very specific about what kind of women needed to accompany me. The will says I need:

-one innocent, doe-eyed girl of eighteen. Preferably a virgin with a arrogant, jocky boyfriend.

-one promiscuous young coed, prone to getting naked and making lewd sexual advances.

-one best friend of the doe-eyed virgin.

The other houseguests, a black man who will say "daaamn!", a socially awkward and horny nerd, and a crude party animal I have already gotten myself.

I would not be turning to craigslist if not for the fact that my uncle's will stipulated this sleep-over be held on the "eve of Baphomet, when the planets in the house of Aires are aligned" or something like that. Of course, for your trouble you will be compensated from the riches I stand to inherit. Overall, I predict an uneventful evening. After all, what could go wrong just from spending one night in a mansion built by members of the Golden Dawn over the site of an Indian massacre, inhabited these last forty years by my mentally ill, occult-obsessed uncle, on the one-hundredth anniversary of a notorious unsolved murder? We'll probably just play "seven minutes in heaven" and break out the old ouija board, so sorry if I can't offer you more excitement! Please get back to me soon, or my uncle's entire fortune will revert to the withered old groundskeeper who continually utters cryptic warnings, and we don't want that, not when I could use all that dough on drugs, rock music, and fast cars!

* Location: Denver
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1046273996

Sunday, February 15, 2009

RE: Are you expressive, enticing, erudite, erotic and ebullient?

→ Are you expressive, enticing, erudite, erotic and ebullient? - 55 (Denver)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2009-02-13, 9:03AM MST

Cool. That makes two of us. lol
Let me give you a bit of rare insight into the man, the myth, the mirth behind the posting -- I'm a very youthful, fit, irreverent and creative "wingnut" who relishes the humor of Mel Brooks, the Coen brothers, Steven Wright and Monty Python (and wildly irreverent/offbeat humor in general). If you can relate to any of that, we’re off to a great start. (Now put the candle BACK…then bring me a shrubbery!)

Call me crazy -- and you'd hardly be the first -- but I prefer someone who also has more than a rudimentary grasp of English and knows, for example, that "syntax" has nothing to do with morals or the IRS! (I envision you either rubbing your hands together giddily or making the sign of the cross as one would when confronted by a Should your reaction be closer to the former than the latter, I suspect we'll get along famously.)

I'm a happily self-employed advertising writer with a very flexible schedule and a 10-foot commute to the office. I'm from Boston originally, although I've shed 99% of the accent along with 100% of the moss that used to grow on the north side of my head. I'm kinda brawny, occasionally brainy, openly bath-friendly, relatively barnacle/baggage-free AND I can count to 21 without being naked. (Not everyone gets that last little bit of fun, but extra points if YOU do!)

By the way, ever wonder why refried beans aren't fit to be eaten after they're cooked once? Ever indulge in a rousing bit of people-watching....with running commentary? Do you prefer to tilt your head to right or left when you kiss? (Your answer will not be taken as an indication of political leaning!) I'm as naturally curious as a cub scout in a lingerie shop.

I workout regularly and enjoy travel, scuba, movies, Scrabble, garage sales, photography, tennis, ice skating, hiking, golf and even camping and fishing once in a blue moon.

I seek a reasonably fit and attractive n/s woman without young kids at home who laughs easily, is affectionate and knows the value of living life with a "half full" outlook. She takes pride in her health and appearance and doesn't take life or herself too seriously. She relishes the idea of sharing the glorious little joys and absurdities of life, love, sex and gender.

Now for my philosophy of life: As long as the world is spinning, we'll all be too dizzy to get everything straight, so quit crabbin' and just enjoy the ride!

Also, since it seems that many women (even quite petite ones) place a priority on a man's height, let me state for the record that I'm a towering 5' 5" (lol). If that fact doesn't faze you, please reciprocate with your own photo (or two). Thanks.

Me Book Have Thesaurus Also!

Colin Heintze to pers-1033080845
show details 2:25 PM (2 minutes ago) Reply

I see an interesting article and I'm more than happy that people feel pretentious Stumbled life and business travel. We describe enthusiastic, effusive and so ebullient. But for all I have also studied brain impatient and I know. My tastes run the beautiful paradox of non-face comedy in a variety gourmet sybaritic pleasures and good vivant. I think that just because I new Raconteur and I can not ignore my sensual side and become known filthy, raunchy. and when circumstances warrant anatomical. If this is something that interests you, the end of the other ads as soon as possible.*

*the preceding was translated from English to Tagalog, Tagalog to Greek, Greek to Thai, and back to English again.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Travel and "Adventure"

Travel and "Adventure" - 25 (Denver)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2009-02-13, 10:32AM MST

Hey there ladies, what's up? I'm looking for a very trusting and adventurous young woman to travel to with me to Thailand, Laos, and Taiwan where I am involved in a very lucrative import/export business.

As far as looks are concerned, I'm not shallow! I feel true beauty is on the inside - in the cornea of the eye, the kidneys, lungs, and bone marrow. All I ask from you before our adventures in the orient is a few rounds of intensive medical testing and the answer to a few questions: have you ever been diagnosed with glaucoma, HIV/AIDS, leukemia, hepatitis, or cirrhosis of the liver? How much alcohol and tobacco do you consume, if any? Would you be willing to sign over power of attorney even though you can't read a contract written in Thai?

Also, what's your blood type? That would be really, really helpful.

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1033228540

Monday, February 9, 2009

RE: The Way I See It...

The way I see it... - 24 (Downtown Sorta)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2009-02-08, 7:22PM MST

So Valentines Day...thats right this coming weekend...should be under new managment...
I think the tooth fairy should run this bitch!
I think you should be able to go to bed, put a pube under your pillow, (not neccasarily yours but why would you have someone else's pube on hand?) and when you wake up it will have been traded for an orgasm lol....everybody wins right?!
How aweosome would it be to wake up to an orgasm! lol
and if you are really good you can have your choice of one of the following extras (cigarette, rose, chocolate)
I think this is genius...personally....
however we all know this will never be the way it is, but a girl can dream right? ;)
Anyway, if you can offer something similar to this or better, let me know who you are looking for because maybe Im it!

Location: Downtown Sorta
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1026743915

Colin Heintze to pers-1026743915

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- Durable and life-like semi-hard construction to simulate romance after a night of heavy binge-drinking.

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- Patented voicechip technology simulates romance! Writhe in pleasure as it explains that it won't go down on you because it had a big lunch, would be interested in a threesome with the waitress at the Chinese restaurant, and wants to do anal because it forgot its condoms!

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Tuesday, February 3, 2009

RE: 1950's Traditional Marriage Roles

1950s Traditional Roles Marriage/Relationship - 23 (Colorad)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2009-02-02, 3:20PM MST

...Where the man provides, and the woman takes care of the children, home, and him...Is anyone looking for this anymore? I'm not lazy and have and can work full time and then some...but this is something I NEED. Is anyone ready to settle down who wants this, needs this, too???

* Location: Colorad
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1018100913

Sounds Swell!
Reply to all

Colin Heintze
to pers-1018100913

show details 4:01 PM (2 minutes ago)

Sounds just like how I want things with my best girl! Let me tell you a little about myself. My name's Glenn and I just got a real swell job at General Electric and a one-story ranch house in Levittown with my GI pension. I've been looking for a neat gal since I'm almost 28 and all the promotions go to married men - any fella who's been a bachelor this long might as well be some kind of beatnik as far as General Electric is concerned. Things have been going great since I became a salary man. I just got a raise to nearly sixty dollars a week, and all that extra money has given me an opportunity to finally pay off the Plymouth and maybe get that RCA television all the boys at the gun club have been talking about. I might get promoted up to assistant divisional manager since they found a copy of "Johnny's Got his Gun" in Dickie Sherman's desk - one thing GE doesn't tolerate is reds working for the company, and I've been saying all along that Dickie's a Jew (you know the way those people swing), he only has that name cause he's adopted. Anyways, I like what you're after. I've always seen myself having a good smoke on my pipe while Buzz and Glenn Jr. watch Lucy, the smell of my wife's meatloaf wafting in from the GE gas stove in the kitchen. Every Saturday you'll play bridge with my colleague's wives while I hang around the boys at the gun club, and every Thursday we'll chat a few minutes with Chet the milkman - you'll love him, he's a negro! So, what do you say you let me take you to the Tiki Club one of these nights, or maybe shopping at Woolworth's? You can get anything you like, except shoes - you won't be needing those.