Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Hipster and Proud!

Hipster and Proud! - 26 (Seoul)
Date: 2010-07-01, 12:15AM KST
I'm not going to hide it, not anymore! For too long the word "hipster" has been a hurtful and uncool pejorative used to discriminate against me and my friends. Well, I'm here to say that I'm a hipster, I'm looking for a quirky Zooey Deschanel-type girl, and I'm not ashamed of it!

I'm really into music, duh, except heavy metal or country - unless its done ironically, because its okay to like thing as long as you are mocking, and thus inherently superior to, them. I'm especially into local bands since, if they ever make it big, I can proclaim that I liked them back when they were still playing in dive bars for drink tickets (before expressing my disgust at their selling out). I'm also addicted to fashion, which provides me with a great opportunity to sate my constant need for one-upmanship. That V-neck is the latest from American Apparrel? Hell, mine is so new they haven't even released it yet. Those Chucks are early 80's vintage? Well mine are late 70's more vintage. No matter what you're into, I'll always find a way to insert a comment implying you are just on the other side of the cutting edge.

I also care a lot about causes. Poor urban minorities. Impoverished farmers in Latin America. Ethnic cleansing in Africa. In fact, there is almost no subject I'm unwilling to loudly ruminate about, and no opinion too uninformed for me to vehemently advocate. And, should it be proposed that I have an extremely simplistic world view tainted by a profound lack of cultural, historical, and economic perspective, I will use one of several pre-arranged quotes from an obscure Serbian anarchist I keep on hand just for moments like those. Why? Because I care. I care enough to move into poor urban neighborhoods and show I have unlimited compassion for the working class matching my a puerile need for street cred. Then, when all my friends move to the neighborhood and drive out the locals with skyrocketing property values, I can grouse in a series of jeremiads about how much the place has changed and just isn't "real" anymore.

Now, a lot of people say that hipsters don't read anything other than Chuck Palahniuk or Vice Magazine, but I read plenty of other stuff as well. Mostly, I read books that are about to be turned into a movie - especially if it's a movie by Wes Anderson, Spike Jonze, or David Fincher - so I can complain to everybody that the book was better than the film version. I also skim through works by Camu, Foucault, and Gide in order to drop their names into conversations regardless of whether it fits naturally into the dialogue or not. I'm even planning on writing a novel some day, along with making a film and starting a band, despite lacking any of the disciplined work-ethic or basic creative mechanics required to undertake such ventures.

Now, some of you might wonder how someone in their mid-twenties who has never had a job can afford to go to clubs every night and live in a 5,000 square-foot loft apartment. First off, I do have a job. I keep a party blog and, twice a month, I contribute music reviews to this totally indie underground zine. Second, work is for people who aren't creative, proactive, and aware like I am - people like my parents, who worked for decades to support my bohemian lifestyle.

Physically, I'm horribly ugly. I get no exercise outside of bike rallies and games of kickball, have facial hair reminiscent of a 19th-century longshoreman, and live in utterly debased, unhygienic conditions. But, all of that doesn't matter, because I'm an artist, an intellectual, and an activist. You'll know that's true because I will never stop telling you about it.

So, don't listen to all the haters that say me, and people like me, are just self-obsessed nihilists incapable of showing genuine sentiment or doing anything creative beyond simple commentary. We're here, we're now, and we're not going anywhere... unless a new trend comes around.

BTW, got any coke?

Location: Seoul
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1818887021

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Epic Date Fail Now on Facebook

So, Epic Date Fail is now on the second most depressing site on the interweb: facebook. So, if you are one of the millions of folk who is unable to have a real, non-electronic human relationship, head on over to the facebook page and become a fan(or make another friend that will inevitably disappoint you)!

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I'm Sick of Watching

I'm Sick of Watching - 26 (Seoul)
Date: 2010-06-27, 7:58PM KST
So, it's come to this, and why shouldn't it? After all, I haven't been the most sociable person these last several eons. I guess I'm just tired, tired of watching other people laugh and love and live together in happiness as I spy them enviously from my lonely perch in the swirling ether. That guy at the party who stands in the corner refusing to talk to anyone? That's me. The man who always seems to be lurking on the edges of a conversation fighting for the boldness to break into it? Yo, right here. I'm a Watcher, and frankly it's all getting pretty old.

I'm sick of just watching. Why do I just have to watch anyways? Just once I'd like to use my infinite wisdom and inexhaustible power to, you know, DO something. Would it really make that much of a difference if I taught those crab-monsters on Torta to build levies so their egg-pools would stop getting flooded? From the episode of my birth the moment before the cosmos bloomed into existence (that I may have observed and recorded the event) I've always been bound to this title of "Watcher" - though, I must admit, lately I'm starting to question this whole "eternity as silent observer" path that the elder powers determined for me. For one, it's dull. When you've seen one galaxy collapse into the fiendish maw of terrible Bet-Sabbot you've seen em' all, yet every time the great eye of the sun-drinker sets its sights on a newly-doomed world there I am, floating off to the side with my clipboard and sharpie pen like I'm goddamn Jane Goodall. You know what I'd like to watch(as if anyone ever bothers to ask me)? An episode of Grey's Anatomy, or maybe the sunset with a bottle of Merlot and a good cheese spread.

What's that, a solar flare in a far-away galaxy has rapidly mutated a form of intelligent life into an omniscient entity of pure benevolence? Guess I'm missing this week's episode of Lost again. What, that show ended months ago? Fuck. I really need to get Tivo.

So, I guess it's time to quit. After all, I doubt the elder powers can destroy me, he who was the first and will be the last. It's not like a Watcher is even that necessary. I mean, stuff will keep happening whether I'm there to observe it or not. Let someone else be Watcher for awhile. I'm still young, this reality (spoiler alert!) still has a few billion years left in it, and its time to start living! It's time to stop watching, and start doing! There's a laser tag place down the street from my apartment, and I've always wanted to take a pottery class. Any ladies out there want to help a Watcher become a DOer?

Location: Seoul
PostingID: 1813335494

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

RE: Seeking Irreverent Daytime Mistress

Seeking Irreverent Daytime Mistress - 36 (Seoul)
Date: 2010-06-15, 10:09AM KST
I use the word irreverent in my title because it means 'critical of what is generally accepted or respected,' which perfectly suits the kind of person I am seeking.
I'm a 36 year old American working and living in Seoul.

I'm seeking an intelligent, sexy, and fit young woman to be my ongoing daytime mistress.

I imagine we would only be able to meet one another once or twice per week.

We would only be able to meet during the daytimes, (sometime between the hours of 10 am and 3 pm) spending time together talking and finding secret niches in Seoul where we can make love to one another.

In exchange for your confidentiality, erotic attention, and understanding, I would be able to help you with your expenses and upkeep.

If this sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement, then please contact me and we will take our conversation from there.

Location: Seoul
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1792335092

RE: Seeking Irreverent Daytime Mistress
Colin Heintze to pers-XXXXXXXXXXXXXX. show details 2:06 am (5 minutes ago)

Exactly what kind of kill-play are you looking for? I'm no softy, but I'm still relatively new at all this. My ex turned me on to it about four years ago. We were getting bored with the BDSM scene... though I probably don't need to tell you, of all people, that whips and hot wax can get pretty dull after a while. I guess you could say we were pretty jaded, that we were looking for that next big thrill, that we couldn't get off unless we were constantly crossing into darker, weirder territories, that we couldn't feel alive unless we were pushing the boundaries of extreme psychosexual experience.

My ex heard about kill-play from our mutual friend/fuck-slave Gary. One night, after a particularly gruesome session with cudgels and riding-crops, Gary managed to sputter out a story about some guy he met in the basement of the club, a real player. When Gary got out of the hospital he took us to the guy's shop and, let me tell you, there are sex shops and there are sex shops, like the ones the public sees and the ones in the back room that, like the special humidor in a cigar shop, cater to a more exclusive clientele. What we saw... we just knew we had to part of it, this silent and faceless community of extreme fetishist of the international kill-play underground.

We had to train first. Some role-playing, of course, followed by several viewings of the Faces of Death video series (have you seen those?... wait, of course you have. The stuff you've done probably makes that shit look like the playland at McDonald's). Anyways, we started slow. A few cats, taken off the street. A dog we kidnapped from the neighbors. To be honest I was worried about doing a human, but my ex just kept on pushing, kept on saying we need to go farther, needed to have the ultimate experience. It turned me on... it still does, which is I guess is why I'm contacting you.

Well, my ex isn't around anymore and I can't get the game out of my mind, can't stop feeling like I took a bite of a gourmet meal only to have the plate taken away before I could finish. Turns out that homeless guy we brought back to our house was an Afghanistan war veteran and, for all his talk, my ex just couldn't go through with it when the time came. Naturally, I begged him to. We had already gone past the point of no return, and there was no going back - it was either follow through and erase the evidence or go to prison. But, my ex hesitated, the bum managed to wriggle out of his restraints and pick up a potato peeler we were using and... well, the rest is history.

So, that's why I am responding to your ad. I nearly creamed my panties when I saw it. Honestly, I never thought you really existed. I thought you were just a legend in the kill-play underground - I never imagined you were real, and that I might one day be contacting you over the web. Is it true you once did a pair of socialites in their father's yacht? Shit, I've got a lot to learn... and I need you to teach me.

I am SO Sorry!

Colin Heintze to pers-XXXXXXXXXXXXX. show details 2:12 am (1 minute ago)

Oh my God, I've never been more embarassed in my life! As I was going through my sent mail folder I noticed your email address and realized I sent my message to the wrong person... guess I'm having another senior moment LOL! Please disregard my previous message, as it was not intended for you, but for the author of "Worthy Whore Wanted for KP". I have sent the message to the correct person and am keeping my fingers crossed for a response. Anyways, I hope you find your mistress. If this thing with the other guy doesn't work out, maybe you and me could hook up some time? I know plenty of secluded places we could make love, places NO ONE would think to look.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Looking to Settle Down

Looking to Settle Down - 26 (Seoul)
Date: 2010-06-07, 2:10AM KST

I guess there comes a time that a man must walk away from the crowds and the cheers and fade into a life of normalcy. I guess that if you cheat death enough times, eventually he’ll come and claim what’s his if you keep giving him the opportunity.

These last thirty years I’ve been in the stunt business. You name it, I can jump it. School buses, forklifts, cement trucks – I’ve spent three decades putting asses in the seats of fairgrounds and convention centers all over this great nation. And now, it’s time to quit. Time to make my last jump - this time without risk of a shattered coccyx – the jump into retirement and a good woman to see me through it.

I’d describe myself more but, to be honest, I don’t remember much of the last decade, what with all the concussions. I was also using speed pretty heavily, so between picking up lot lizards at the Loaf N’ Jug and waking up in the county lock-up, I’ve got a few holes in the official record. Sometimes I’d wake up in a Motel Six next to a girl in cowboy boots and I had no idea how she got there, I just knew from the rash on my belly we’d been up banging all night. A few times I even looked under the covers and saw that she was packing something downstairs, and wondered just who had been banging who. Point is, I was a little wild in my formative years… and my adulthood… and most of middle age.

But, those days are behind me. First of all, I’m not much in performing shape anymore. I’ve got a rod in my spine, another where my tibia used to be, two plates in my head, and a set of false choppers to replace all them teeth I’ve had knocked out. The doctor says that if I take even one more blow to the head I’ll probably lapse into a coma, though I’ve been in two already and let me tell you they’re a walk in the park – just make sure you have the venue buy you a temporary insurance policy so you’re waking up to a new houseboat in Boca Raton and not eight back alimony payments for your bitch of an ex-wife. Also, I feel I just don’t got stunt-work in me anymore. I’m tired of the constant skin-grafts and micro-fracture surgery – though on the bright side I’m pretty much guaranteed a constant supply of primo pharmaceuticals while I’m learning to walk again.

I want to settle down. Normal house, normal job, normal life. Work on the weekdays, dinner at Stuckey’s on Saturday, mowing the lawn on Sunday – that kind of thing. Maybe I could get one of those new riding mowers they got. What are those thing, 60cc? Hell, I bet with a little tuning, maybe a diesel engine, we could get one of those things up to 180cc, easy. Maybe feed a little nitrous oxide into the fuel line and I could mow every damn lawn in the neighborhood in under an hour, and loud enough to wake up everybody in a five mile radius. I’d stake my life that if you put a ramp up you could easily clear a horse trailer with one of them suckers. Yeah. Yeah. That would be the life.

* Location: Seoul
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests