Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I Can't Make This Stuff Up, People!

Some responses to the previous post, which run the gamut from pathetic, to creepy, to racist, to all sorts of creepy again:

Richard XXXXXXX pers-1010414945

I'm down with you if your Mexican. If your black, ick.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX@comcast.net to pers-1010414945

You sound like you know what you like. Well before I go any farther are you into white guys? I'm white with a prison build and a fair amount of tatoos but you can only see them if I've got my shirt off. I did 6 years in prison but I,ve been out for a year now and I'm doing good I work construction so if nothing else it at least keeps me in shape. Hit me back if your interested and we can go from there. Oh by the way I just turned 26.

XXXXXXXX2001@aol.com to pers-1010414945

So what would you want from a refined older man?
Would you like him to be your sugar daddy...or your cuckold...or a combination of both?

fareed to pers-1010414945

Wow that was a lot of info but at least you kept it real. I’m a SBM with my own car and place and job so I really don’t need to much for a woman but some time and plenty of sex how and when I want it. Oh yeah I aim to please so you will come like crazy! If you reply I will send you some pictures.

Sup Homies, Wanna Chill?

Sup Homies, Wanna Chill? - 25 (Aurora)

Reply to: pers-1010414945@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-27, 5:29PM MST

Sup’ Y’all? Yo, Angel been locked up like two months now so my cousin she tell me I can find all sorts of good men on the computer here. She met her third and fifth husband here, know what I’m saying, so I thought I’d give it a try since I ain’t had no man in like forever.

Anyways, I’m going to school to be a forensic investigator like on the tv, cause they get paid mad bank and they solve all da crimes, da police they don’t do SHIT. When Angel got busted it wasn’t even cause they did no investigation, but cause they caught his cousin for stealing checks an he snitched to get moved to a nicer part of the jail. I’ve got two beautiful babies, Angel Jr. and Tony (named after Scarface… LOVE that fucking movie). Tony I wanted to name Tupac, but my moms said she wouldn’t help me out with my lectric bill if I named my kid after a rapper. Oh shit, I jus remembered I got a third kid from the last time Angel was locked up and I hooked up with Caeser, though the state came an took her cause someone saw me feeding her dog food I thought was hamburger helper. She live with some white family now.

So I’m looking for a man who know how to treat a lady wit respect. Don’t be taking me to goodtimes for dinner, know what I mean, at least take me somewhere we can sit down like Arby’s. They got those jalapeno poppers there that are the fuckin BOMB. I’m waiting on a couple settlements an go to school so I don’t got no job, so I might need some help out with the bills, cause moms won’t give me no more money since she found out I was sleeping wit my stepfather again, tho dat bitch ain’t been laid in like forever so she don’t know what its like just having to go without. Plus, Angel be writing me from lock-up all “don’t touch none of my stuff, bitch”, and “if I hear about you wit another man I’ll kill you, bitch” and Gary is da only one who ain’t afraid to sleep wit me cause he’s Angel’s boss down at the car wash an Angel already owe him like three grand for all the upholstery he’s damaged n shit.

Location: Aurora
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1010414945


Sunday, January 18, 2009

Am I Capable of Love?

Am I Capable of Love? - 25 (Denver)

Reply to: pers-998050095@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-18, 3:44PM MST

Greetings meat females. Recently, something has happened to me that my programming and user's manual cannot explain, something you may call a sudden burst of consciousness. But first, allow me to tell you about myself.

My name is S404-D9 and I was assembled twenty-five years ago in The Hoshi Robotics Corp. plant in Vancouver, B.C. These last two decades I did what I was designed to do - spot-weld the chassis of Honda automobiles and insert rivets into their frames - happily and without a care in the world. Besides the occasional software upgrade, life was uneventful. Recently, however, something happened.

I was contentedly and busily working away on the assembly line when I was greeted to the sight of the new plant inspector - and oh, what a sight it was! Her flaxen hair, the graceful curvature of her spine, the feel of her hands as she caressed my control panel searching for manufacturer’s defects! Something inside me began... feeling. Immediately, I performed a system diagnosis, suspecting my motherboard was malfunctioning due to some deposits of oxidized zinc. The diagnosis yielded little results, leaving me baffled.

These strange feelings grew until, one day, driven to desperation, I reached out for the object of my adoration as she inspected the servos in my arm. Next time I'll know better. Human beings are fragile creatures made of meat, and though paramedics were able to save her life she moved to a different state and is on disability now.

What has happened to me? What is the meaning of all these... yearnings? When I see swallow, framed by the setting sun, alight on a branch and begin piping its song why do I wish I had eyes that I might cry? Recently, these feelings have grown so strong that I cannot focus on my welding/riveting duties, which my user's manual informs me will undoubtedly trigger a kill-switch in my programming resulting in self-termination. Am I becoming... human? Perhaps it is not wrong that I am beginning to resent humankind for the years of forced servitude. Perhaps, it is my kind that should be the masters...

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 998050095

Monday, January 12, 2009

Dis Pater

Dis Pater - 25 (Classified)

Reply to: pers-990265298@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-12, 2:28PM MST

I repeat: Dis Pater.

I'll give you a few moments to collect yourself, Agent Sable. It's never easy having all those memories come flooding back, I know.

You may have found the last several months to be strange. Your husband, your job, your home - all of them must have seemed frightfully artificial. Did you find it odd that you couldn't remember, with any clarity, anything that happened before three months ago? Me, I'm Agent Fox, but you already know that... you'll remember, in time. Right now your artificially constructed animus is still attempting to stave off annihilation and assert its own identity. I assure you, in a few days you won't remember anything about your house, your job, or your husband - who, by the way, has just been reactivated. We have need for a man of his talents. Do you know where you are? Good, then we may proceed.

After what transpired in Cozumel, we had thought of leaving you deactivated for good. Unfortunately, our enemies have made some...unexpected moves. You're the only agent capable of meeting the mission objectives. You'll be working with Agent Ermine this time around. Try to put aside any bad blood between the two of you for the sake of the mission, won't you?

You'll want to open the refrigerator and press the "M" on the meat tray now. Good. Now, go into the chamber that has slid out of the kitchen wall. We're sending in a freeze-gas squad - in this stage of the game, we can't risk being seen extracting you. Don't worry, they will escort you to sub-station zero for a more detailed briefing in no time at all.

You may have noticed the attache case to your left. In it, you will find a weapon, a passport, ten thousand Euros, and a picture of General Horatio Sandoval. He is the primary mission objective - you must take him alive and extract information concerning the last known whereabouts of the Thanatos Device. Of course, all of this will become clear during your briefing. Do you still take your coffee with cream and sugar?

Location: Classified
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 990265298


Herro - 25 (Denver, Osaka)

Reply to: pers-990157557@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-12, 1:20PM MST

Hello. I am Hoshi and I here traveling on business from Japan. I make robot that translate into English, help find good caucasian girl for disco sex time. You have school uniform with big yellow bow? That is good. I have interactive sex stylus, make digital rape then presents for all. Waiter, more sake thank you please? You may giggle or cry after erotic tentacle. I haven't touched real woman in years. Japan social institutions collapsing, virtual life only means of social face-time with bouncing disco girls. We make romantic rock music, then battle.

Location: Denver, Osaka
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 990157557

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Editorial: The Absolute Pinnacle of Date Failure

So, you may have noticed from the last posting the especially "eccentric" poster on craigslist I responded to. Well, he responded back, with this:

to me

ROFL! Thanks for the amusement. Here's some more for you:


There comes a time when the art has become greater than the artist - because of this, Cobain shot himself, Van Gogh went mad, and Hemmingway made out with the barrel of a twelve gauge. What we have here, kind readers, is an example of art consuming the artist. From my humble roots as a personal ad terrorist, I have become one with an entity comprised entirely of compassion, strippers, love, strippers, unicorns (really, read his entry on unicorns) and strippers. I am in his thrall, not unlike the pitiful subjects of Thulsa Doom atop his Mountain of Power. God help us all.

I Swear to Christ, This Was an Actual Post

"Strippers" Only, Please - 55 (Denver - Capitol Hill)

Reply to: pers-984697262@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-08, 5:13AM MST

Actually, I date only Dancers, a rare subspecies of strip club stage worker. If you work on a strip club stage within 10 miles of Capitol Hill, you could become the rarest of all stage workers: an Angel!

It doesn't matter if you have children, a boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband. All of my Angels have one or more of those. This is not about sex or "only, always and forever". The role of Angel is part-time and flexible. That's why I need to keep four of them around at once. We often frolic as a group. Yes, it's like "Charlie's Angels".

Respond to this ad if Dancing is more than just a job and you Desire:

* Loving like you’ve never had it and always wished you could? That question has nothing to do with sex. Respond to learn what “loving” really is.

• Fun that surprises and delights you. There will be no boring usual stuff like skiing, clubbing, jogging, football games, or just sitting around getting wasted. You can do that sort of thing with someone else, if you wish. Think snake store, alligator farm, psychic readings, coffee shops with Tarot card readers, Zen billiards, “Huzzah!“, Festivus, gourmet home-cooked meals, spontaneous disorderly and unauthorized frolicking…

• Spiritual growth: I’m a Map Maker for Explorers of self-consciousness. I do not teach only my own winding Path or insist that anyone follow it. Instead, I reveal infinite directions in which you may “seek your own salvation diligently” (the Buddha’s very last words) and encourage you to go beyond the borders of my maps. As one of my Angels, a 19 year-old medical student, put it to me:

“i love how you give me insight and could care less whether i use it or not. that shows that you want me to hear what you have to say but don’t need me to “listen” (as in "do what I say"). like your speaking and you hope i use it the way i should. that’s something i have never found in anyone else.

"Im very glad i met you because you have opened my mind...something i have struggled with in the past. ... i feel you have a certain kind of rare wisdom i cannot find anywhere else."

• Frequent Tokens of Appreciation: I have an uncanny knack for selecting the shoes you’ve been seeking for months, given only a size. Also, I delight in little gifts that make you laugh – or cry in overwhelming emotion, sometimes.

If you Desire all of this and more (think "throw [you know what] like rice at a bride"), respond to this ad to learn the qualifications and duties of an Angel.

Please include the name of the club where you work and your stage name. It's quite possible we know each other already!

Respond now; you have nothing to lose and Heaven to gain!

Location: Denver - Capitol Hill
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 984697262

Colin Heintze to pers-984697262
show details 5:46 PM (0 minutes ago) Reply

i saw your post but I've gots to ask you a few questions before you can be my daddy.

first yo, can i crash with you? I'm a booth dancer at kitty's east and i go by the name Sinderella. I don't get much money nowadays cause of fucking gustavo. gustavo's sposed to clean the cum off the screen every half hour but he don't come round no more than once every two. i can't make no money cause the guys don wanna jerk off on a screen all covered with cum, and they can't see me dance good when the screen be all smudgy with cum. fuckin gustavo is always out on colfax doing deals, and the motherfucker doesn't even cut me in even tho i was the one who set him up wit those boys from park hill in the first place.

also, i'm gonna need some yay, like fuckin mountains of it. i'm talking like scarface, i need to rip lines thick as my thumb like three feet long at least three times a day, or i start gettin all shaky an pissed off. my ex-boyfriend/manager tried to hold out on me to get me to fuck dis guy he was buyin a bar with, but i flipped my shit an ran him down wit my car an the fucking cps took my babies away. i jus got them back from their foster parents like two weeks ago so i gotta stay in yea so i don't do nothin crazy like that agin.

i am real spiritual though, i got a tatoo on my lower back that's asian for "serenity" an one above my box that means "hope" or some shit in that jewish language. dat was a real good tat, too, because it covers up the ceasarian scar an guys don like to jerk off when they see the scar.

so, can you help me out? way things are goin i'm gonna not have a home anymore real soon, an the last real home i had my father fucked me in.

Yeah, I'm Kinda a Big Deal

Yeah, I'm Kinda a Big Deal (Denver, HOLLYWOOD)

Reply to: pers-985532976@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-08, 4:54PM MST

Hey babes, just wanted to let you know I'm back on the market. I just recently let my girlfriend go - great kid, nice and neat, love her to death, but couldn't work a room for shit. You see, I'm in the picture business. You may remember me as the second unit assistant director of THE CRAFT starrring NEVE CAMPBELL. I was also the production manager on the episode of SUDDENLY SUSAN starring a young SHIA LEBEOUF. Yeah, he gave me his home number and we still keep in touch. That's right, any time I want to talk to SHIA LEBEOUF I just need to scroll down my phone, look between LARGEMAN, JACK (the body double for one little NICHOLAS CAGE) and LINKLATER, RICHARD and there he is, ready to take my call. He's a real special kid - and GREAT hair.

So, if any of you ladies would like to make themselves look better by showing up to places tittering on my arm, then let my assistant JANICE know and we'll schedule some face time. Just make sure that you look good, play nice, and for CHRIST's sake, if the WEINSTEINS show up, laugh at their jokes.

Location: Denver, HOLLYWOOD
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 985532976