Wednesday, December 17, 2008

RE: Pay For Me?

Pay for me? - 21 (Lakewood)
Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-16, 9:23PM MST

Hey guys,

My current lease is up in February, this apartment I currently live in is the first time I've been on my own. I moved out of my moms house 1 year ago, but moved in with my sister. Not having a job when I first moved here 1 year ago led to alot of debt...slowly getting it paid off.

Just throwing this out there...Are there any guys who are willing to let me live with them RENT FREE so I can pay off my debt to my family as well as 2 credit cards. And hopefully I can buy myself my first car.

I would be willing to help pay for groceries, maybe half of the utilities, keep the place clean etc...
Who knows what else would be in the mix of this...we can have further discussion in e-mail..
E-mail me if interested. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY!

Location: Lakewood
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 960979407

colin heintze to pers-960979407

Good Afternoon, Young Lady. Anton Kimble Blackwater here, at your service and charmed to make your acquaintance.
Am I to understand that you desire a position within my household as an indentured laborer/sex slave? This is a capital suggestion, as I am at the moment in need of both. There are always legions among my prized thoroughbred stallions that need shoeing, foreign dignitaries that require receiving in my manor's many gilded antechambers, firefoxes and whooping cranes of my private menagerie that require feeding and care, and rare antiquities obtained in my many oriental adventures to catalogue in the basement archives. Mandalay's absence - think of him as a composite of manservant, bodyguard, and assassin - has hit me hard, I would venture. There are so many little things, from the way he would put a mint on my pillow every morning, to the cold efficiency in which he snaps a would-be assassin’s neck, that I have been forced to go without since his semi-annual retreat into the monasteries of frosty Nepal. Would you be able to fulfill some of these functions? Half-brother Cecil is unrelenting in his attempts to eliminate me and claim our father's fortune, and I could use the extra security. Plus, since Mandalay has left my shoes remain on my feet untied, and I cannot figure out for the life of me how these blasted laces work!
As for the lovemaking portion of your servitude, are you willing to make certain... compromises? You see, I suffer from the Blackwater curse that has stricken all males of our family - damn our blue New England blood! - since our arrival on this ghastly continent. I cannot achieve sexual stimulation without the aid of certain psychological... enhancements. Would you be willing, I dare ask, to put on black-face, an apron, and dance the negro dervish-whirl colloquially known as a "jig"? If I might suckle from your pendulous, swelled breasts and call you "mammy" I think I shall be quite satisfied, for you see I miss Mammy so. This would only be on Fridays, after I've had my weekly portion of snake-wine, which is good both for one's longevity and one's potency in matters such as these.
So, if you would be interested in a position at my manor, and between the impossibly gossamer sheets of my silken bed, then reply without delay.


SNAKE WINE said...

Looking for Snake wine on Google I found your website, do you have any related information?
Snake wine is this:

Thanks a lot for help.

The Omega Man said...

I'm not sure if I should find you and punch you for spamming my comment board, or thank you for the snake wine.