Wednesday, December 31, 2008

RE: Looking for the Right One

Looking for the Right One - 26 (Aurora)

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-31, 12:11PM MST


Let’s see….I’m 26, a manager for a prepaid card company, own my own place, have two dogs and a great family. I’m not really sure what I’m looking for right now – what I do know is I’m tired of bullshit and just want to meet somebody that is HONEST for once. I have also been learning that I am not nearly picky enough and end up meeting and dating guys that I will never have a future with, so at the risk of sounding like a bitch or hurting feelings, these are my must haves:

I know times are tough. I’ve hired a lot of people that were laid off due to the economy and I don’t blame people for misfortune. However – I have dated enough people that don’t have jobs and I end up taking care of them. I don’t care at all what you do or the kind of money you make – I make enough and don’t need anybody to take care of me. But you must do something.

I don’t care if you have a place with roommates, just please not mom and dad. Again, I understand that times are hard – but right now I would prefer somebody that didn’t live with their parents.

I’m not ashamed to say that I have an IQ of nearly genius level and I have seen and been through enough in my life to hold the real world experience as well. I would like to have actual, meaningful conversations with people – to every once in a while talk about something other than the latest episode of Family Guy (which I like by the way). Please have something to say.

Look – I’m no model. I understand and accept that. But if the physical attraction isn’t there, then we would make great friends but probably nothing more. When you send a picture, send one where I can actually see you – nothing is worse than sending some picture with a hat pulled down over your face and when we meet you look nothing like what you have represented yourself to be.

Please don’t be a “macho” guy – I work a lot of hours so don’t take it personal if I can’t be at your beck and call, I study warfare and probably know just as much or more about sports as you do. I make great money and I am not ever planning on being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen or a stay at home mom. So if any of those things bother you, move on.

I think that’s just about it for right now. I might have just ruled out 98% of Craigslist, but at this point I’m not looking for 500 responses – just the right one. Oh, and if you don’t send a picture, I won’t respond. I put mine up…please do the same.

My Dear, You have Found the Right Man
Colin Heintze to pers-975696182
show details 1:54 PM (1 minute ago) Reply

Salutations, young lady! I saw your posting and, since you seem to be a woman of breeding and refinement, I would like to extend my warmest greetings to you.

You are are looking for a lover, one who is not beneath you - I can relate, for I am seeking the same thing in a young woman or pubescent boy myself. Allow me to introduce myself: I am Anton Kimble Blackwater, heir apparent to the Blackwater Steel, Arms, and Charitable Trusts foundation. As the progeny of an American business magnate and Spanish wet-nurse, I believe I possess the qualities of the superior male specimen you so fervently seek.

I am an educated man, having attained many degrees from the finest Ivy League Institutions, as well as private lessons from such titans of philosophy and mysticism as Hanno of Alexandria and Parsevus the Sophist. Physically, I am tall and well-made, the product not only of my rigorous practice of Gurkha exercise rituals, but the fine New England blood that courses through my veins as well. As for my vocation, it is a slippery and esoteric thing to define. Should I call myself a crypto-archaeologist and tomb-hunter? Perhaps I should focus more on the works of literature that have earned me international acclaim? Or, would it be better if I described my profession as CEO of the largest development firm for energy-based weapons? None of those things I would describe as a "job", for it seems like little work at all to do the things one loves.

You require a man who owns his own property? The manor at which I reside, a grand old place that has been in the Blackwater family since the time of the Pilgrims, has over 400 rooms, two swimming pools, a hedgemaze, underground archives, and secret escape tunnels should half-brother Cecil ever attempt to launch another offensive against my claim to our father's fortune. I find it beguiling that you mentioned your love of warfare and sports, for you see there is another feature of my manor which speaks volumes for my love of both: my human chess board. Oh, how many spring afternoons I have spent, with the Prince of Luxemborg and Finance Minister of Singapore at my sides, watching such elegant brutality unfold. The queens were difficult to find, for they should be much more powerful than the derelicts and tramps to whom I give a hot meal to serve as fodder for my games. Luckily, manservant Mandalay reminded me of a curious offshoot of the Ibo Tribe I met during my travels in West Africa. In this strange culture, the woman are warriors and the men as meek as whelping kittens. So, my search for vicious women over, I found my queens and let the games commence. They have been a boon to the Blackwater estate, for besides their function as warriors of the utmost savagery, they make excellent harem guards - though these women have a long reputation for lesbianism, I found through my ethnographic studies that the rumors are largely exaggerated. The warrior women, as it were, often perform simulated rape on the women of conquered villages as a symbolic show of dominance and defilement of a vanquished foe. Besides, my warrior women have all, keeping with their custom, been circumcised at the age of fifteen, so thus far the sundry beauties of my harem have been left untouched by their keepers' Sapphoric dispositions.

All I ask of you is that you submit a sample of your DNA before I can begin siring children with you: generations of breeding among only the purest stock of New England gentry has left members of my family prone to develop hemophilia, albinism, gout, and mongolism. Hopefully, you do not possess any of the recessive genes for these conditions, and may one day soon accompany me on my adventures throughout the world. Until then, look forward to walking the many gilded corridors of my manor (watch out for the ghost of great-uncle Ulysses, though: he's been rattling the sabre since we converted his room into servant's quarters), indulging in the culinary delights of my many kitchens, and reveling with the harem girls whose skill in the Tantric arts, let me assure you, are legion.

Yours Truly,
Anton Kimble Blackwater

1 comment:

Exploder said...

You should really begin an assemblage of the Blackwater annals as recorded in Epic Date Fail until such time as there is enough fodder for a novella including woodcut imagery of the various savage travels and tantric practices.