RE: Taking Applications

Colin Heintze to pers-947799232 show details 4:23 PM (0 minutes ago) Reply
Taking Applications - Serious Only - 21 (Denver (Northern))--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Reply to: pers-947799232@craigslist.org [?]Date: 2008-12-06, 3:12PM MST

Hello there. I saw your "application" for a date with you and thought I would respond, while simultaneously informing you about the exciting new products from the Jolt! Energy drinks family of beverages.

Name: Jolt! Energy Drink!

Age: Going on six years now as a major provider of consumer's energy drink needs.

Age that matches my maturity level: Closer to 25; with our market-shares increasing quarterly and an excellent core business model, where other energy drink lines fizzle we're here to stay!

Last Time I went out on a date: Every night I provide the energy boost and confidence needed for any romantic rendezvous!

Last Time I went out and not on a date: Jolt! isn't just for dating! Whether you need a boost for work, hanging out with friends in a twenty-something hip urban environment, or just want to feel refreshed after an active day of mountain biking and snowboarding, great-tasting Jolt! will be there.

The best thing about me is: New formula with less caffeine gives a smoother, less jittery burst of energy.

The worst thing about me is: Many of my ingredients are pending FDA approval and may in rare instances cause headaches, insomnia, hysterical pregnancy, advanced Tay Sachs disease, or rectal malfunction.

The thing I find most attractive in a woman is: The ability to drink Jolt! without succumbing to the numerous side-effects as catalogued on the Surgeon General's webpage.

The thing you should know about me that might bother you is: I am known in the state of California to cause cancer in mice. High concentrations of the aluminum alloy used in the manufacture of my can has been known to cause outbursts of uncontrollable rage and mass murder.

My Mom hates you. I…: Introduce her to our new line of products marketed at older consumers, including new Jolt! Alpine Mist!

My friends love you and this…: Creates a spike in fourth-quarter revenues with our target youth demographic.

What do you consider an argument? When you drink Red Bull just to hurt me. Bitch, I will wreck you.

What are your goals? An increased share in the competitive energy-drink market culminating with the acquisition of several competing product lines.

Do you work? For 4-9 hours per suggested serving size, excluding for pregnant, nursing, or expectant mothers, who under no circumstances should use me.

What do you do? Give you long-lasting energy to tackle your day, all while instilling in you the hipness and sex-appeal generated by the consumption of Jolt! energy drink.

Favorite type of movie: Whatever my crack team of market researchers has shown to be popular among the18-34 active, white, urban target demographic.

Favorite type of music: Whatever my crack team of market researchers has shown to be popular among the18-34 active, white, urban target demographic.

Favorite non-alcoholic drink: Jolt! energy drink... duh.

Favorite Alcoholic drink: Jolt! energy drink and Smirnoff Ice. WARNING! CONSUMPTION OF JOLT! ENERGY DRINK IN CONJUNCTION WITH ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES MAY RESULT IN SEIZURE, CEREBRAL HEMORRHAGING, OR MYOCARDIAL INFARCTION!

Favorite past-time: Whatever my crack team of market researchers has shown to be popular among the18-34 active, white, urban target demographic, including snowboarding, surfing, skateboarding, "chillin", and "getting jiggy".

Idea of a perfect date: A tour of the Jolt! energy drink manufacturing plant. WARNING! JOLT! ENERGY DRINK IS MANUFACTURED UNDER HEAVY SECURITY IN A REMOTE CORNER OF THE CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS. ANY ATTEMPTS TO APPROACH JOLT! ENERGY DRINK MANUFACTURING OR DISTRIBUTION CENTERS, EITHER BY LAND OR THROUGH OUR NO-FLY AIRSPACE, WILL BE MET WITH EXTREME FORCE!

Location: Denver (Northern) it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 947799232