Monday, December 22, 2008

Where's My Mate, Dammit!

Dammit, Where's My Mate! - 25

Reply to: [?]
Date: 2008-12-22, 12:46PM MST

Hi, Liu Xieng here, better known as the San Diego Zoo's iconic giant panda. I'm turning to craigslist out of sheer desperation. Are there any male pandas out there willing to mate? Anyone want to impregnate me to ensure the survival of our species?
Wait, there's a male over there! Hello? Hello? Over here! I'm in heat! Where are you going? Can't you smell the pheromones wafting off my genitals? No, don't amble into that cluster of bamboo trees...
Asshole. Christ I wish I wasn't born a Panda. If I was a rabbit I'd have a whole mess of kids right now, so many I'd get to choose which ones I nursed and which ones I let die fighting for a spot at my milk-laden teats. But nooooo, I had to be a panda, nature's Peg Bundy. My mother is always telling me "Xieng, don't act so uppity - men are intimidated by smart women" and "Xieng, would it kill you to drop a few pounds?" and "Xieng, you need to lower your standards". All this from a woman who rejected me for the first three months after my birth. That's right mom, I know, it was the zookeepers that bottle-fed me, you bitch. And she wonders why I drink.
Hell, I'd even be willing to mate with a human, since apparently the average human pervert is more attracted to panda sows than the average male panda is. And before you all start throwing up your hands and saying "oh no, what kind of horrible super-soldier would this panda-human hybrid make?!" remember what the average panda does on a daily basis: 1) eats. 2) shits. So, if eating and shitting are among your desired traits in a cross-bred super-soldier, then by all means buy me a bottle of wine and put your seed in me, goddammit. Christ. We deserve to go extinct.

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