Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Seeking that Perfect Combination of Beautiful, Brilliant, and Deadly

Seeking that Perfect Combination of Beautiful, Brilliant, and Deadly (Unknown)

Reply to: pers-951931292@craigslist.org [?]Date: 2008-12-09, 7:01PM MST

Greetings, women. I am in search of a personal assistant/lover to aid me in my sundry international activities of calamitous mayhem. About me: about 5'9", 170 lbs, no hair (scalded off by a gamma radiation burst), and a long, jagged scar from my brow to chin. I'm fond of wearing turtlenecks and the comedy stylings of one Tyler Perry.
As the founder and CEO of MANTICORE I require a variety of tasks to be performed if you are to be my lover. There are always henchmen that need to be kept in line, lairs inside extinct volcanoes on remote tropical island chains that need redecorating, and the occasional assassination of foreign ambassadors culminating in the retrieval of the items in their attaché cases. If you should decide to pursue a career with MANTICORE, you should know what I'm looking for in a lover/henchwoman:
- Fashion sense: Tall and statuesque black woman? Wear leopard skins and wield a deadly staff. Lily-white with icy, blue eyes? Why not drape yourself in sable furs and carry spray-canisters of liquid nitrogen? While there is certainly no dress code at MANTICORE, professional attire is important!
- For Christ's sake, know something about lasers! You don't have to be an expert, but should at least have a basic understanding of the difference between a laser and a pulse weapon: one can shoot down satellites, plunging the world into a catastrophic communication meltdown, and one I wouldn't use to cut my lawn.
- MANTICORE is an equal opportunity organization with a special affirmative-action hiring policy for people with disabilities, especially disabilities that have been turned into deadly/sexy special skills. Blind women with a hyper-sensitive sense of hearing or amputees with weapons for legs are strongly encouraged to apply.
- Keep in mind, our relationship will NOT be mutually exclusive. You will often be required to seduce enemy agents and drop deadly scorpions on their post-coital sleeping bodies.
- You must be able to snap a man's neck between your thighs. This is non-negotiable. - You must be a fan of Tyler Perry. His bleak and pandering portrayal of family life is the type of Dadaist nihilism heralding the collapse of society, something that lies ultimately within MANTICORE's goals. Plus, you see how he be trippin' on white folk?
So, if this describes you, then look forward to a career/relationship with MANTICORE. Don't bother contacting me. If you are qualified, one of my agents will contact you.

Location: Unknown
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 951931292


Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

The Omega Man said...

Thanks Anonymous. To be honest, I was kind of phoning in the earlier posts - just like my relationships, job performance, and emergency CPR.