Looking for a Woman Who Won't Plot my Overthrow - 42 (Cameroon)
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Date: 2008-11-04, 8:49AM MST
Jambo, and a marvelous day to you, prospective brides. I am the exalted first citizen, doctor, field marshal, and president-for-life Charles Mbusa of the august and powerful nation of Cameroon. I am looking outside my ever-expanding borders for a woman who will not plot my downfall.
My first wife, Frederica, was the daughter of a mining company CEO belonging to one of the thousands of European companies I allow to purloin my country of its natural resources, all while paying near slave-labor wages to my impoverished people. She was one of the only women who could keep up with my lifestyle, and drank over fifteen bottles of champagne a day. Entire game reserves I had decimated to furnish her wardrobe and bedroom decor. Unfortunately, she had numerous affairs behind my back, and I had to cut off her breasts and display them in the public square as she bled to death on state television lest my manhood be called into question.
My second wife - what was her name? - seduced the captain of my palace guards and planned a coup against me. Fortunately, in a bout of amphetamine-induced paranoia, I had him tortured, wherein he confessed all his crimes against the nation in full detail. Now the hyenas pick at their bones.
For my last wife, I thought it would be prudent to go with a local girl. Big mistake. I married Mrs. Cameroon and, within mere days, she was plotting my overthrow. It was bad enough that she was negotiating with the mining companies behind my back, offering them better than
the already ludicrously low prices I give them, but to accomplish this goal she was intitiating meetings between company executives, American arms dealers, and those Ibo rebel scum to depose me. Plus, I was getting these strange headaches, so she may have been practicing
witchcraft on me. Good thing my massive network of secret police and citizen informants revealed the plot to me. But, hey, that's what I pay them in blood-diamonds for. Her co-conspirators were killed and her horse-whipped body given for the comfort of my fierce
and loyal child-soldiers.
I am currently seeking a obedient and comely woman who will bear me many ferocious sons and not get into politics - one who can stay in the palace enjoying the life of luxury all the efforts the hard-working peasants of Cameroon can bring the wife of a dear leader. If you are interested, let me know - I'll even forget about the dowry, as long as you bear me sons and go along with the many depraved sexual preferences a life of absolute power has encouraged in me.
* Location: Cameroon
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