Wednesday, April 28, 2010

RE: Anyone else into self defense?

Anyone else into self defense? - 23 (Denver)
Date: 2010-04-23, 5:43PM MDT

Just looking for someone I can relate to. All of my friends think guns are scary, and martial arts are boring. Please attach a picture and I will reciprocate. :)

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1707145170

Colin Heintze to pers-equsf-170.
show details 2:37 PM (1 minute ago)

Yeah, self “defense”. Roger that. I’ve danced this dance many times before, and I know all the steps by heart.

You need a man to care of a little problem for you, a man who’s as deadly with his hands and feet as he is with a firearm. Look no further.

I know everything there is to know about self “defense”. Guns? Hell, I can shoot a Chechen mercenary between the eyes blindfolded and on skis. I’ve got guns for every kind of “defense” you require: silenced Walther PPK’s if you like your self-defense to be of the discreet variety, HK assault rifles if you got a whole lot of scumbags you need defending against, and even a spare RPG launcher is you need to defend yourself against airborne or heavily armored attackers. I even got a mini gun should I need to defend myself one day from those fascists at the ATF and US Marshalls, provided of course they can get past the electrified fence and Claymores.

But, don’t for a second think I’m a one-trick-pony. Many an attacker has made that assumption and isn’t around anymore to talk about. I’m just as good with my natural weapons as any firearm. I wrote the book on hand-to-hand combat – really, check out my book Alive Tomorrow, available from my website for $14.95. You’ll also find some good literature and handy resources from like-minded freedom-fighters who will help you with your struggle against federal-government despots. In chapter one of my book, I’ll teach you to control your emotions by desensitizing yourself to violence through the killing of small animals – starting at things like cockroaches and cicadas and going all the way up to chimps and baby otters. In chapter six you’ll find info on improvised weapons, whether it be your artificial leg, a car antenna, or a sack full of doorknobs. Chapter ten is all about making the other guy go at you first in accordance with what your state’s laws consider justifiable self “defense”. So, don’t worry, I ain’t afraid to get up close and personal if it comes to that.

I suppose now all that’s left to talk about is the terms. Being a defender of liberty doesn’t exactly pay the bills, so I’ve been known to hire out my services to people like yourself who have urgent “defense” needs. Get back to me with your offer so we can get to “defending” ourselves!

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