Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Alright, Where's the Other Half of the Amulet?

Alright, Where's the Other Half of the Amulet? - 4255 (Denver)
Reply to: pers-jfpme-1101353755@craigslist.org Date: 2009-03-31, 5:21PM MDT

Alright shit-for-brains, I know you’re out there. You know that scarab amulet, the one that seems to missing one half? Guess who has it: me, the person you stole it from. It’s lead me halfway around the world to this stinking little corner of the planet, and I just want to say: give me back the other half. Nothing bad will happen to you, I promise.

Ever wonder why you’ve been vomiting an unusually large amount of snakes lately? Yo, right here. Those friends and associates who are turning up as desiccated corpses, as if the very life had been drained away from them? Look no further.

You know, back in my day, women were more respectful. They raised the children, cooked the meals, and occasionally helped out in the harvest if the floodwaters had been especially rich that year. They didn’t go getting advanced degrees, galloping off to the other side of the world, and messing with some perfect stranger’s shit.

Do I have to remind you of what happened to that English chap about eighty years ago? He thought it would be a good idea to break into my house (I didn’t have fourteen-thousand slaves build it so you people could browse through it like you’re at goddamn fucking Walmart, BTW), steal my stuff, and put my body in a museum like I’m some kind of fucking painting. It took ten years to collect all the artifacts he and his team had stolen from me and when I was finished… let’s just say they won’t be sailing on the reed-boat to the pretty lands of West anytime soon, not in the cursed state of hideous un-life I left them in.

So, you can avoid all of that if you just give me the other half of my amulet. I don’t even really like that amulet very much (too much turquoise, if you ask me), but I can’t rest again until it’s back on the shelf with all those jars containing my heart, kidneys, and gallbladder.

Seriously, stealing my stuff? Not cool, man. Not cool.

* Location: Denver
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1101353755

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