The Blackwater Fortune is in Peril! - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2009-03-08, 1:27PM MDT
The deadline is rapidly approaching, comely lasses, for which I can marry and claim the remainder of my father's fortune. Allow me to explain, for those of you who have not seen my previous posts.
My name is Anton Kimble Blackwater of the venerable Blackwater family of New England. I am the son of an American rubber magnate and Spanish wet nurse, though let me assure you my life has been anything but privileged. Childhood was a time of diligent instruction and self-improvement, led by the efforts of my late father. My studies ranged from metaphysical tutelage under Hanno of Alexandria to the martial sciences under Karl Von Berstauffen, last Marshall of Prussia. Unfortunately, as a young man, my father was murdered at the hands of my half-brother Cecil, the same villain whose mother, a Creole and practitioner of Hoodoo rites, stole a lock of my father's hair to weave grave sorceries upon him. This unnatural union resulted in Cecil, who not only murdered my beloved sire but has since conscripted every manner of mercenary scum to remove me. The current challenge I am confronting is a hitherto-unknown stipulation in the fine print of my father's will that, If I do not marry by this time next year, the remainder of his holdings will revert to nefarious Cecil. Obviously, I cannot allow this happen. I have survived too many attempts on my life by Yakuza hitmen and Chechen mercenaries to allow Cecil to claim my inheritance through some legal obscuration!
Thus, I need a wife. Man-servant Mandalay says my standards are far too high, that I will never find a woman who is my peer in Tantric meditation, acrobatics, tomb-hunting, or Tagalog knife forms. Though I trust Mandalay's wisdom on all things, I cannot help but be skeptical of this advice: he took vows to Zoroastrian demiurges at age twelve, remaining a virgin in return for prowess in battle. So, his advice concerning the nature of women may be uneducated. Yet, everywhere I look, I find women incapable of performing even the most basic of tasks, such as wielding a sabre or deciphering a Codex incised in Koine Greek! Perhaps when I begin to see returns from the string of silver mines I've recently opened in the Chilean highlands, I will invest more money into public education!
There is another aspect of this overture I am compelled to mention - a more personal one. For, although my father's estate is my chief concern, I also seek a woman for these... yearnings of mine. A life cultivating my spirit and intellect in far-flung monasteries, tribal war rituals, and Hollywood galas has left me little time to pursue relationships. Every time I wake up next to a beautiful young starlet in a Corsican luxury liner, a Brazilian supermodel on a silken mattress, or a comely primatologist on a bed of leaves neath' the fierce sun of the Ugandan highlands, I feel an emptiness in me. For, I am a man and as such must pursue pleasure, though the shame I feel in associating myself with such common riff-raff no doubt has my father in hysterics somewhere in the vaulted chambers of the Blackwater mausoleum. Are you the beautiful academic/mystic/tactician/business magnate I am seeking? If so, reply post-haste! Cecil is already beginning to measure the curtains!
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