RE: An Inspirational Date Fail

Reply to: pers-933287173@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-25, 12:16AM MST


Hi all! My name is Krissy. Here's what I believe, God made MAN to be
the pursuer. I have tended to be the pursuer at times and everytime I
am reminded that the man should be.

As far as my "religious beliefs, I believe that Jesus died for our
sins and there is no way on this earth to follow God's laws to the
fullest, meaning even to not have anger in our hearts, or lust, or to
EVER lie, etc. That's why Jesus came...

With that said, here's a little about me. I am 25 years old, was born
in NY. I am a live-in nanny for three girls. I'v never been married,
and no kids. I love music! I love being with people, especially people
I love. I wear my heart on my sleeve, sometimes that's good sometimes
that bad, but its the way God made me so I ges He always sees it as
good. I have my own car, and SOOO glad too. There is much more, I
believe you NEVER stop getting to know a person. There's always
something more to learn about someone.

My favorite bible verse is "Come to Me, all you who are weary and
burdened, and I will give you rest, take My yoke upon you and learn
from Me, for I am gentle and kind and you will find rest for your
souls" Matthew 11:28-30

What is yours?

Here is a few things of what I am wanting out of a relationship. I
believe that God should ALWAYS come first in our lives. I am really
not very good at that. I tend to make people first in my life. So, one
thing I want in a guy is someone who will encourage me to keep God
first, and not try to take His place. I want someone who grows in
their relationship with God, as I am too. I want someone to walk along
side of, two are better than one. Its okay if you have made mistakes,
I have made MANY. Really, too many to count. I want to be able to be
who I am, and you be who you are, even if who we are isn't perfect. I
want someone who will hold my hand and just be close to me.

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag
and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its
own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all
things.
Love never fails"

So, if I sound like someone you might want to pursue, then send me an
email and take it from there. MY ONLY REQUIREMENT IS THAT YOU ARE A
CHRISTIAN, YOU CAN EVEN BE A NEW CHRISTIAN, BUT YOU HAVE TO BE ONE.
Love In Christ,

I Got Your Christian Right Here!

Colin Heintze to pers-933287173

show details 1:26 PM (1 minute ago)

Reply

Good afternoon, young lady! I recently stumbled across your post and
would like to inform you that there are good CHRISTIAN men out there!
I was saved in prison, where I was doing six years for a series of
armed robberies culminating in the kidnapping and attempted murder of
a shopkeeper! Little did I know at the time of my arrest that my
incarceration would be the best thing that ever happened to me! It
gave me plenty of time to think about the wickedness of my actions,
and lead me to the LORD! I felt really bad about myself and needed the
forgiveness the judge, jury, district attorney, family members of the
victim, and employees of Del Taco would not provide! Now, I feel
great about myself, knowing that I'll be forgiven no matter how
monstrous my crimes! Plus, becoming active in the prison religious
community scored me a lot of points with the parole board, something
that's really useful when you've sworn you'd track down and kill the
ex-wife who gave your whereabouts to the police! It also gave me day
room privileges! This last part was really important, because it gave
me a place to hide from the other inmates! They were raping me!
Anyways, here's some of my favorite verses!

Ezekiel 23:19-20

"Yet she increased her prostitution, remembering the days of her
youth when she engaged in prostitution in the land of Egypt. She
lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their
seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions."

2 Kings 2:23-24

"Then he went up from there to Bethel; and as he was going up the
road, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him,
"Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!" So he turned around and
looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the
LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two
of the youths."

Isaiah 13:16

"Their children also shall be dashed to pieces before their eyes;
their houses shall be spoiled, and their wives ravished."

So, as you can see, I've found CHRIST and he is with me every minute of every day, which would technically make anything you and I do a threesome.

Holy Christ, a Shitload of Responses From the Last Post

On Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 3:20 PM, shawn XXXXX wrote:
> ** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
> ** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
> ** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
> ** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html

Well meet the GilaMonster he stands 10 1/4 inches when touched 4 inches round he spits if sucked well and can touch places only 1 can dream of peace

> Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Colin Heintze to Shawn XXXXX

I can think of one place the GilaMonster has touched... my heart. You may be that sensitive poet I've been looking for all this time.

- Show quoted text -
On Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 3:14 PM, Mike XXXXXX wrote:
> Hello,

Did you know that predators sometimes become pray!? I am a male in heat looking to mate soon... for frequent and long extended periods of time! Your presence has caught my attention and ignited my arousal! Let's mate now before more time goes by!! I have the means to transport myself, delicious head and looking for a mate that is ready to be taken over completely! To let her body respond to the most basic instincts in a mating ritual.

Interested? I am....

Mike

Colin Heintze to Mike

Interested in the mating ritual, eh? Let me tell you what you are in for.
First, you will approach me, bobbing rhythmically and displaying your colored undercarriage to show your intentions. If I find your mating display unsatisfactory, I shall kill you. Next, you will deposit packets of pheromones for my powerful sensory organs to examine, determining your overall fitness. If I find you are an inferior male specimen, I shall kill you. The ritual thus completed, you will mount me and stimulate my egg-sac with your hind legs. During this time, I will begin devouring your head which, luckily due to your primitive autonomic nervous system, will not hinder your mating. As you die, you will deposit a sperm packet on the underside of my abdomen which I will take into my swollen egg sacs. The next several hours I will spend leisurely consuming your pathetic corpse. Your evolutionary purpose met, you now serve no more function than to be nourishment for your mate who will help carry on the species. Tool.

On Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 4:31 PM, Mike XXXXXX wrote:

Yes, I am interested in the mating ritual being well aware of the sequence of events and the final outcome. Nonetheless, my primitive instinct is seeking for you, my mate. To fulfill your needs and thus meeting that evolutionary purpose. You will find me a fit male for your nourish on. My ritual impecable. My glands filled with sperm are awaiting the proximity of your swollen egg-sacs. I have released pheromone, looking for you. Can you find me!? Swallow me!! I am yours!! I am strong and a perfect candidate! I need to release myself in you!! I am yours!

Colin Heintze to Mike

Glands! Glands! Males of my species do not store their seed in Glands! Are you actually a human trying to pull one over on me? I think misrepresenting yourself on the internet just to toy with other people's emotions is really low-class and childish. Grow up, asshole!


- Show quoted text -
On Thu, Nov 20, 2008 at 2:46 PM, Ken XXXXX wrote:
I am 50, decent looking, in shape, and have a farmer's tan, LOL. Use your
imagination, and think of yourself simmering, being brought to a boil, only
to be turned back down to simmer awhile longer, before being allowed to boil over. If that peaks your interest, then we just might have so good old fashioned fun, but be ready, I am passionate, love to tease, play, and explore. So what do you say, let's get uninhibited together. By the way, my name is Ken, pleasure to meet you, and I did attach a pic.

Colin Heintze to Ken:

I already lack any and all inhibitions. My simple nervous system will only allow for a basic stimulus-response pattern that determines my behavior and reactions to external stimuli. I am incapable of shame, regret, remorse, love, affection, or pleasure, being driven utterly by pitiless, mechanical instinct. I mean c'mon, I'm a fucking bug!

flagged & removed: 927358126 (women seeking men) Need to Mate Before I Die!

Need to Mate Before I Die! (Denver)
Reply to: pers-927358126@craigslist.org [?]Date: 2008-11-20, 2:35PM MST

Hail, ferocious males! I am a female in desperate need for a mate. I am approximately six feet tall and seven feet long. Looks-wise, I have modified forelimbs for grasping and holding prey, full, pouty palps, a long, slender thorax, and large, firm egg sacs. I require a male flush with reproductive jelly in the immediate future. Time is short - in the next three days I will die, leaving my carcass as our spawn's first meal after their emergence from the incubation chamber located in my lower abdomen. My hobbies include cleaning my mandibles and perching motionlessly on a branch awaiting any careless animal to pass within range of my mighty graspers. Any males who want to hook up should have excellent interpersonnal skills, his own transportation, and a delicious head. Holla!

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 927358126

Wanted: Giant Agnostic Jew

RE: Wanted: Giant Agnostic Jew - 24 (Denver)
Reply to: pers-924075968@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-11-18, 9:43AM MST


Social butterfly seeks tall cultural Jew 24-32 years of age in the Denver metro area. Must hold bachelor's degree and be currently employed or in school. Preference will be given to candidates with higher education in business, law, or medicine. Must enjoy football and occasionally yell at television screen. Applicants with long hair or piercings will be excluded. Must not normally browse or respond to Craig's List personals. Preference will be given to candidates from "nice families." Applicants will be screened by friend and writer of ad and may be invited to coffee date with easy exit strategy.

Colin Heintze to pers-924075968

Nice try, but my grandfather already fell for this in 1930's Bavaria. There' s a cattle car waiting for me if I respond to this, isn't there?
P.S. - who would have thought a Jewess would be trolling for a doctor/lawyer type? Way to shatter stereotypes there, kiddo. I think I'm better off sticking to shixsas.

RE: Can I Be Your Better Half?

RE: Can I Be Your Better Half??? - 26 (Denver)

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Reply to: mailto:pers-926339168@craigslist.org?subject=Can%20I%20Be%20Your%20Better%20Half%3f%3f%3f%20-%2026%20%28Denver%29 ^[?]
Date: 2008-11-19, 7:43PM MST


I really hate talking about myself it sucks! I am not concieded so that makes it hard! I am on here looking for my knight and shining armor, the guy who is going to treat me the way I shouuld be treated and not lie cheat and steal from me believe me it happens!! Are you the guy who likes to do things for his girl and likes the things that she does for you? then you are the kinda guy that I am looking for! I dont go to bars they are a waste of my time and I really dont go to clubs either they are just as bad as a bar! if you live your life by drinking or doing drugs then just move on cause im not going to deal with that anymore its happened before and I dont like it. If you wanna talk shoot me a message! oh yeah and one other thing I LOVE A MAN IN UNIFORM!!!! Ok so I found the perfect thing to explain to you guys what I am looking for here goes......
Tell her shes your only one
When she is upset hold her tight
Play with her hair, pick her up, Tickle her and wrestle with her
Just Talk to her
Bring her flowers just because
Hold her hand and run
Just hold her hand
Let her fall asleep in your arms
Just sing to her no matter how awful you sound
Get her mad at you then kiss her
tell her she is beaufiful
when she is sad make her laugh
look into her eyes and smile
come up behind her and put your hands around her and kiss her for no reason
kiss her in the rain
stand up for her
never take her for granted
Be true to her
Tell her you love her and mean it
and Never let her go.....

First DateAsk and I will tell.
A guy who calls me beautiful instead of hot
Who calls me back when I hang up on him
Who will lay under the stars with me and listen to our hearts beat
Will stay awake just to watch me sleep
Kisses my forehead
Has a picutre of me in my wallett
cant wait to show me off he world even when I am in sweatpants
holds my hand infront of all his friends
And the one who turns to his friends with the biggest smile and a sparkle in his eyes and says THAT'S HER!!!

I've Finally Found You

Colin Heintze to pers-926339168

show details 9:08 AM (4 minutes ago)

Reply

Hi peaches (remember when I used to call you that?), this is your father. Thank God I stumbled across your post right now. I've sobered up and found the lord and have been wanting (tenth step!) to apologize for the kind of father I was.
I was so busy back then, what with the hours I was putting in atthe office. I'm so sorry I missed so many of your dance recitals and soccer games. Your mother told me how, that one time you were in the Nutcracker, I was supposed to come but got held up filing expense reports. She told me about how when you saw that empty seat in the audience you clammed up and they had to stop the entire show to lead you sobbing off the stage. I guess I was never really ready for a family, you know? When your mom insisted on keeping you I did everything in my power short of walking out to dissuade her. I guess, in the long run, maybe I should have just left. After all, she was sleeping with everyone down at the co-op, and year after year my nightly glass of scotch was turning into two, then three, then... well, you know what happened.
Most of all, I'm sorry about never being around after your mom and I split up. In hindsight, I guess it was pretty selfish of me to never attempt to get visitation rights, or to fly off to Thailand with my new girlfriend who was only a few years older than you. I could of at least sent a card or something, at least on your birthdays, but I lost the receipt slip that I wrote it down on the back of. I could have once told you that I loved you, instead of mumbling something vague and unintelligible in response to you wrapping yourself around my leg and refusing to let go every
time I was leaving for a business trip. I just hope that my lack of affection didn't turn you into someone who desperately requires validation from men in order to feel good about herself. I'll talk to you later... we have so much to talk about. What are you you now, 18, 20 years old? Old enough to cosign on a loan with your good old dad, right?

Anyone Want to Play Lucretia? - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: pers-924630785@craigslist.org [?]Date: 2008-11-18, 3:24PM MST
You: A beautiful, though naive Roman girl. Out for a stroll, maybe picking flowers. You have so much of a future, and life is full of opportunities and undiscovered delights. Nothing bad could ever happen to you, not while the world is so young and splendid, not in the flowering of your womanhood, could it?

Me and my roomate Hank: Two handsome young Eutruscan princes. We come across you napping in a tranquil glade, worn out from the day's revels. You know what happens next. Any takers?

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 924630785

Anyone Out There Want to Help Guard the Border with Me? - 42 (Denver)

Reply to: pers-916756126@craigslist.org [?]Date: 2008-

11-12, 5:39PM MST

Hi, my name is Bill and I am a minuteman looking for my minutewoman. I spend on average two weekends out of every month guarding the Mexican border with my fellow patriots, trying to stem the flood of illegals who bring drugs, diseases, and gangs into our country, not to mention the economic impact they have and our once proud American Industry. I'm not a racist or anything, but I just think the wetbacks should stay in their own country. Just because their country is dirty and poor doesn't give them the right to make ours the same way.
Anyways, it gets pretty lonely out there in the New Mexico desert. Mostly I just lay on my stomach with a pair of binoculars in a camouflaged tent waiting for some wetback to try and make the crossing, ready to alert the border patrol on my two-way radio. I also carry a 30-30, just in case it's a dope-runner, so I can give him some justice, American-style. So far, I haven't caught anyone, so I must be due any time now! Oh, and I should mention I do a lot of volunteer work for one of our greatest American patriots, Congressman Tom Tancredo, so an interest in politics would be a bonus! So, if you're interested in lots of camping out, political discourse, and protecting America from parasitic Mexican nationals seeking to destroy our way of life, then drop me a line!

Location: Denver

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 916756126