RE: Looking for the Right One

Looking for the Right One - 26 (Aurora)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-975696182@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-31, 12:11PM MST

READ BEFORE RESPONDING

Let’s see….I’m 26, a manager for a prepaid card company, own my own place, have two dogs and a great family. I’m not really sure what I’m looking for right now – what I do know is I’m tired of bullshit and just want to meet somebody that is HONEST for once. I have also been learning that I am not nearly picky enough and end up meeting and dating guys that I will never have a future with, so at the risk of sounding like a bitch or hurting feelings, these are my must haves:

A JOB
I know times are tough. I’ve hired a lot of people that were laid off due to the economy and I don’t blame people for misfortune. However – I have dated enough people that don’t have jobs and I end up taking care of them. I don’t care at all what you do or the kind of money you make – I make enough and don’t need anybody to take care of me. But you must do something.

YOUR “OWN” PLACE
I don’t care if you have a place with roommates, just please not mom and dad. Again, I understand that times are hard – but right now I would prefer somebody that didn’t live with their parents.

INTELLIGENCE
I’m not ashamed to say that I have an IQ of nearly genius level and I have seen and been through enough in my life to hold the real world experience as well. I would like to have actual, meaningful conversations with people – to every once in a while talk about something other than the latest episode of Family Guy (which I like by the way). Please have something to say.

PHYSICAL CHEMISTRY
Look – I’m no model. I understand and accept that. But if the physical attraction isn’t there, then we would make great friends but probably nothing more. When you send a picture, send one where I can actually see you – nothing is worse than sending some picture with a hat pulled down over your face and when we meet you look nothing like what you have represented yourself to be.

UNDERSTANDING
Please don’t be a “macho” guy – I work a lot of hours so don’t take it personal if I can’t be at your beck and call, I study warfare and probably know just as much or more about sports as you do. I make great money and I am not ever planning on being barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen or a stay at home mom. So if any of those things bother you, move on.

I think that’s just about it for right now. I might have just ruled out 98% of Craigslist, but at this point I’m not looking for 500 responses – just the right one. Oh, and if you don’t send a picture, I won’t respond. I put mine up…please do the same.

My Dear, You have Found the Right Man
Colin Heintze to pers-975696182
show details 1:54 PM (1 minute ago) Reply


Salutations, young lady! I saw your posting and, since you seem to be a woman of breeding and refinement, I would like to extend my warmest greetings to you.

You are are looking for a lover, one who is not beneath you - I can relate, for I am seeking the same thing in a young woman or pubescent boy myself. Allow me to introduce myself: I am Anton Kimble Blackwater, heir apparent to the Blackwater Steel, Arms, and Charitable Trusts foundation. As the progeny of an American business magnate and Spanish wet-nurse, I believe I possess the qualities of the superior male specimen you so fervently seek.

I am an educated man, having attained many degrees from the finest Ivy League Institutions, as well as private lessons from such titans of philosophy and mysticism as Hanno of Alexandria and Parsevus the Sophist. Physically, I am tall and well-made, the product not only of my rigorous practice of Gurkha exercise rituals, but the fine New England blood that courses through my veins as well. As for my vocation, it is a slippery and esoteric thing to define. Should I call myself a crypto-archaeologist and tomb-hunter? Perhaps I should focus more on the works of literature that have earned me international acclaim? Or, would it be better if I described my profession as CEO of the largest development firm for energy-based weapons? None of those things I would describe as a "job", for it seems like little work at all to do the things one loves.

You require a man who owns his own property? The manor at which I reside, a grand old place that has been in the Blackwater family since the time of the Pilgrims, has over 400 rooms, two swimming pools, a hedgemaze, underground archives, and secret escape tunnels should half-brother Cecil ever attempt to launch another offensive against my claim to our father's fortune. I find it beguiling that you mentioned your love of warfare and sports, for you see there is another feature of my manor which speaks volumes for my love of both: my human chess board. Oh, how many spring afternoons I have spent, with the Prince of Luxemborg and Finance Minister of Singapore at my sides, watching such elegant brutality unfold. The queens were difficult to find, for they should be much more powerful than the derelicts and tramps to whom I give a hot meal to serve as fodder for my games. Luckily, manservant Mandalay reminded me of a curious offshoot of the Ibo Tribe I met during my travels in West Africa. In this strange culture, the woman are warriors and the men as meek as whelping kittens. So, my search for vicious women over, I found my queens and let the games commence. They have been a boon to the Blackwater estate, for besides their function as warriors of the utmost savagery, they make excellent harem guards - though these women have a long reputation for lesbianism, I found through my ethnographic studies that the rumors are largely exaggerated. The warrior women, as it were, often perform simulated rape on the women of conquered villages as a symbolic show of dominance and defilement of a vanquished foe. Besides, my warrior women have all, keeping with their custom, been circumcised at the age of fifteen, so thus far the sundry beauties of my harem have been left untouched by their keepers' Sapphoric dispositions.

All I ask of you is that you submit a sample of your DNA before I can begin siring children with you: generations of breeding among only the purest stock of New England gentry has left members of my family prone to develop hemophilia, albinism, gout, and mongolism. Hopefully, you do not possess any of the recessive genes for these conditions, and may one day soon accompany me on my adventures throughout the world. Until then, look forward to walking the many gilded corridors of my manor (watch out for the ghost of great-uncle Ulysses, though: he's been rattling the sabre since we converted his room into servant's quarters), indulging in the culinary delights of my many kitchens, and reveling with the harem girls whose skill in the Tantric arts, let me assure you, are legion.

Yours Truly,
Anton Kimble Blackwater

Seekins Ze Girl Vith No Morality

Seekins Ze Girl Vith No Morality - 25 (Denver, Berlin)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-974805519@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-30, 3:19PM MST

Gutten tag! Mine name est Otto von Metzbalger and I am ze president of ze Berlin Society for Rational Egoism. Ve are seeking ze women to accompany us next year to our latest excursion into madness and solipsistic debauchery.
Around zis time next year ve shall be making ze trek through ze Jungle of Sous America, following along ze stygian tangles of ze Rio Orinoco. Did you know zat fifty percent of ze world's species live in zat hellish green inferno? Zat is the purpose of our mission: if ze jungle is ze womb of ze vorld, ve vish to defile zat womb in a symbolic rape of ze great chaos, muzzer nature. Zat ve should impose our vill upon ze vun ting greater zan man and his petty verks, vhile simultaneously devolving into creatures unhibited by ze hypocritical protocols of society ez our ultimate goal.
Ve are looking for a girl or girls who vill not be encumbered by ze slave moralities of civilized existence. Ze type of girl who, ven ve have succumbed to madness and paranoia and are putting our comrades to deass in rigged kangaroo trials, trusts out an accussing finger to ze chants of "guily! gulity! guilty!" Ze type of girl who vill laugh as ve ravish ze villages of indians as ez ze right of ze strong to do unto ze veek. A girl who, as our numbers dwindle from starvation and dizeaz, vill vear ze head of ze tapir she hast slaughtered, loose all pretenses of humanity, and hunt her former comrades like ze common beasts. Are you zis girl? If so, zen I am vanting to drink your pee in parody of slave-society's pitiful delusion called love.

Location: Denver, Berlin
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 974805519

A Shit-Ton of Replies From Guys Desperate Enough to Fuck a Panda

XXXXXXXXXX@aol.com to pers-967239883

Hi, you are very creative. I would love to practice sex with you for having a few PANDAs. Would we have to do it the trees as that's where I see most pandas? I think I may to house train you will come with behind a Your big Panda bear, Pat in Brightonbush to shit. Now eating I'm very good at. Send me some pics so I see if I can help you

XXXXXXXXXXXX to pers-967239883

I am 6’ tall, weigh 170 lbs., have brown hair, blue eyes and love to go multiple rounds. I have about 9” to work with and want to find someone who can handle it all. I love foreplay and enjoy dining at the “Y”. Let me know if you are up for the challenge.

XXXXXXXXXX to pers-967239883

I am a single, white, mature male (45), college educated, working professional, live alone (can host).

Will treat you like a lady in and out of the bedroom. Skilled in the tantric arts, very oral, extremely long lasting, clean, disease free, and safe (vasectomy). I am also nicely endowed, love to use fingers to rub a g-spot for that explosive orgasm.

I love to focus on making you feel incredible, make you cum as many times as you can handle, maybe more.

I am gentle, caring, passionate, playful with a great sense of humor.

Panda Lover

Colin Heintze to pete, XXXXXXXX, XXXXXXX
show details 3:45 PM Reply

Wow, who would have thought I'd get so many responses! Let me tell you a little something about myself:
I'm roughly 6' when standing, weigh around 400 lbs and am covered in a velvety piebald pattern of black and white fur. I enjoy dining on bamboo, sleeping, and appearing as a dancing cartoon character on the backpacks of twelve-year-old Japanese girls. I'm so glad you guys are willing to mate, since I can't get it from males of my own species. To the one of you (you know who you are) who sent me a picture of your erect phallus... thank you. I can't tell you how long it's been since I've seen one of those, certainly not from so-called "male" pandas who don't seem to give two shits about bringing our species back from the brink of total extinction. Whoever I choose, I'm sure the hideous unnatural abomination you sire from me will bear (get it, "bear'!) enough of my genetic material to make this whole experience worth it... though I'm still going to have to be very, very drunk. Here are some pics of me!

Where's My Mate, Dammit!

Dammit, Where's My Mate! - 25

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-967239883@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-22, 12:46PM MST

Hi, Liu Xieng here, better known as the San Diego Zoo's iconic giant panda. I'm turning to craigslist out of sheer desperation. Are there any male pandas out there willing to mate? Anyone want to impregnate me to ensure the survival of our species?
Wait, there's a male over there! Hello? Hello? Over here! I'm in heat! Where are you going? Can't you smell the pheromones wafting off my genitals? No, don't amble into that cluster of bamboo trees...
Asshole. Christ I wish I wasn't born a Panda. If I was a rabbit I'd have a whole mess of kids right now, so many I'd get to choose which ones I nursed and which ones I let die fighting for a spot at my milk-laden teats. But nooooo, I had to be a panda, nature's Peg Bundy. My mother is always telling me "Xieng, don't act so uppity - men are intimidated by smart women" and "Xieng, would it kill you to drop a few pounds?" and "Xieng, you need to lower your standards". All this from a woman who rejected me for the first three months after my birth. That's right mom, I know, it was the zookeepers that bottle-fed me, you bitch. And she wonders why I drink.
Hell, I'd even be willing to mate with a human, since apparently the average human pervert is more attracted to panda sows than the average male panda is. And before you all start throwing up your hands and saying "oh no, what kind of horrible super-soldier would this panda-human hybrid make?!" remember what the average panda does on a daily basis: 1) eats. 2) shits. So, if eating and shitting are among your desired traits in a cross-bred super-soldier, then by all means buy me a bottle of wine and put your seed in me, goddammit. Christ. We deserve to go extinct.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 967239883

I'll Settle For Significantly Less Than 72 Virgins

I'll Settle For Significantly Less Than 72 Virgins - 25 (Denver)
Reply to: pers-966674185@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-22, 12:05AM MST


Okay. Here's the deal. Lately I'm starting to question this whole "mujahideen" thing. Unfortunately, it isn't the sort of thing I can just walk away from, you know? It's not like I can say "Sorry Osama, but things aren't working out for me, so I'm going to need you to cash in all my vacation time and cut me a check. Can I still use you as a reference?" And though I may have become a little disillusioned with the whole "waging holy jihad in defense of sacred sharia law" stuff, I just can't imagine losing out on those 72 virgins, especially when I've already put so much work into it. Hell, I don't even hate the Jews. I saw a production of Fiddler the other day and nearly blew up (no pun intended) with applause at the end of the second act. I also met Mel Brooks once at a coffee shop. He's a really sweet old guy.
Sure, when I flew into New York (again, no pun intended, ha ha) eight years ago posing as a Lebanese exchange student, I couldn't think of anything but what the recruiters had promised me when I signed up as an impressionable fifteen year-old living in occupied Palestine. "Fight the great American Satan AND take down the illegitimate Zionist Occupation Government? AND I get virgins thrown in the deal? Sign me up!" But now... I don't know.
So, here's the deal. I will stop everything if I can just get my virgins now. It's a win-win: I get my virgins, and you don't get blown up. Deal, right? I would even settle for less virgins, 40 or so, or around 25 if they're really pretty and unquestioningly obedient to my every command.

* Location: Denver
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 966674185

Reply: Seeking That Perfect combination of Beautiful, Brilliant, and Deadly

Becca XXXXXXXXXX
to pers-951931292

Your hilarious! Your posting amused me. Does Manticore provide health insurance? - B.

Colin Heintze to Becca

MANTICORE provides comprehensive health, dental, and vision insurance for all our employees. Supplemental insurance plans may be purchased at discounted rates to cover injuries resulting from madness gas, Tesla-rays, or hunter-killer droid malfunction. EXCEPTION CLAUSE: employees who mutate into another lifeform due to exposure to gamma radiation or solar disruptors must purchase their own individual policies from their preferred insurance provider. Shoot an Email to Judy in HR if you have any questions or wish to file a claim.

MANTICORE also provides life insurance policies to all its regular staff. The employee may choose up to three beneficiaries among their loved ones/sensei/master of the mystic arts/henchman/controlling entity. Though MANTICORE's life insurance is not mandatory, we highly recommend you buy into the policy as the vast majority of our team members see near-immediate returns on their investment. Your cost will be about fifteen dollars per paycheck.

MANTICORE also provides a 401K retirement package managed by the investment firm ING. Though we do not like to fill the coffers of rival nefarious organizations bent on world domination, the people at ING really know how to put together a 30-year investment portfolio. Honestly, you probably won't have much need for this.

Congratulations to Judy from HR for placing 3rd in the state Boggle Championship! On a sadder note, we extend our deepest sympathies for the passing of henchmen #45, 66, 72, 23, 108, 119, 56, 221, 194, 18, 88, and 147. If anyone wishes to use a little PTO to attend their memorial services, you may find them being buried at sea, cremated in lava, or jettisoned into space depending on the place and manner of their demise.

Anyone Up For a Double Date?

Anyone Up For a Double Date? (Denver)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-966140403@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2008-12-21, 12:52PM MST

A good evening, this is George.

And Martha.

Um, Yes, and we were wondering if there are any couples out there who might wish to go out on a double date. Martha here insists that our marriage here needs some spice to it. Apparently after twenty years of blessed matrimony she finds the taste of gin and vinegar unsatisfying.

We could talk about unsatisfying, George. I haven't been satisfied in years!

You must excuse me. Martha couldn't make it and sent a hyena in her place.

You son of a bitch. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Yes, that's the sound they make.

Let me tell you all something about Georgie-boy here. Georgie hasn't touched me in years. Just this morning I went to give him a kiss and he pushed me on the floor.

Martha, darling, I was simply afraid that if you placed those gin-soaked lips on me I should become overwhelmed with passion and be compelled to take you by force right then and there.

I swear to God, if you even existed I would divorce you. I gave everything to you, do you know that you big flop? I even stayed in shape, stayed -

-Sober?

-Thin you bastard, thin!

It's true, you know, Martha is a slim 108 - years old, that is. She weighs quite a bit more than that.

Great, real great George. How about I pop you in the mouth?

I'd like to find the sailor who taught you English and shake his hand.

That's not all you'd shake, you old queer, you bookworm! You've got to make money somehow, and it's not on an associate professor's salary, not on those funny little books you write.

Shut up, Martha.

You see, Georgie-boy here wrote a book. Spent five years on it. Then he took it to the big publisher Georgie Senior and said "daddy, can you publish my book?"

Martha, shut your loathsome mouth!

And what do ya suppose daddy says? Shoots him down is what! Five years, down the drain, just like the last twenty I've spent with this son of a bitch.

You're a spoiled, self-indulgent, willful, dirty-minded, liquor-ridden…

That wasn't very nice.

And now we get to play a new game, "Martha the martyr". We've played this game before, haven't we dear?

Oh, but I'm so good at it!

Let me assure you, good people, that this a game at which Martha excels. We've seen with our own three eyes - Martha being a cyclops - how well she plays.

It's not hard, when I've got a stuffy effeminate queer for a husband.

Martha, if you do not shut that vulgar mouth I will tear you to pieces.

You don't have the guts.

No, I gave them all to you. I'm warning you, it will be total war.

Total. Come at me!

agdfhio frh fhhdfwe%^FVSOjjk*bcbcnvbvgusf1&^789b viidf /'%xxddf pg[^&!!!!

Location: Denver
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 966140403